Archive for May 26th, 2009

**Don’t read if you are sensitive or have a Conscience**

“I’ll become a top-flight major league pitcher one day, or may lightning strike me dead.” – 11-year old Geremi Gonzalez to his 4th grade classmates

Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of the death of former Major League pitcher Geremi Gonzalez, who had a brief stint with the Mets in 2006. Gonzalez was a valued member of the rotation for one inning on May 19, 2006 when he tossed a solid scoreless second frame. The six other runs he gave up that night are credited to his character and talent.

“A great manager’s player, you know?” former manager Willie Randolph commented. “When I needed a clubhouse mole to help me destroy Carlos Delgado, he was always like ‘If I’m not sticking around, the big guys are coming with me.’ Great team player. We don’t see too many guys with that type of funk anymore. You just turn the page and keep battling.”

“I’m always looking for pitching depth, so it was good to finally have answers,” Mets GM Omar Minaya said in regards to Gonzalez’s unanswered call-up in mid 2008. “I thought maybe his agent’s cell was dead and word never got to him, but I now understand it wasn’t a cell battery that died.”

It was an early summer evening in Gonzalez’s native Venezuela during the offseason when he wore his favorite chain-mail swimming trunks and aluminum foil bucket hat to go kite-flying on a local beach. The forecast called for thunderstorms, but Gonzalez ignored the weather and set out for a few hours of relaxation. He even wore the fuzzy slippers he used to use on his lush home carpets. Unfortunately, lightning somehow managed to strike Gonzalez dead on the deserted beach in an unlikely freak accident. Gonzalez was previously pronounced dead on May 31, 2006, his last game with the Mets, but was officially DOA when paramedics arrrived at the scene.

A tribute service is scheduled for Gonzalez later today at a local KFC in Caracas, Venezuela, where his six fans are expected to appear, filling the chain store to capacity.

Editors Note:  Odds of being struck by lightening: 1 in 5000.  Odds of becoming a Major League Baseball player: 1:16000.  What does this tell us?  Geremi Gonzalez was very lucky.  He defied all odds.

• If you’ve learned anything from this post, its the fact that now you know that Geremi Gonzalez was the other guy in the Jose Lima photo that you’ve always wondered about.

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The Oh Murph Team

While the current global recession has led to massive job losses throughout just about every industry, there is one profession that has seen substantial gains even in this tough economy. The insurance business in the tri-state area has seen an influx of new agents who were inspired by the same tragic story.

Daniel Murphy was a typical small town boy who had one dream and one dream only: to grow up and one day become an “insurance person”.  Not all children are gifted with the same talents and Daniel’s life would soon take an unfortunate turn.  While most of the other children began developing the skills that would lead them to bright futures in the insurance products industry, Daniel had to slowly accept the realization that his true talents lay elsewhere.  

For almost two decades Daniel tried to break into the insurance industry, but last year he was forced to give up his dream and accept a fall back position playing professional baseball for the New York Mets.  While not as tragic as playing for the Yankees, Daniel’s story has still inspired a generation of new insurance agents who are also avid sports fans.  To account for the massive industry growth, these sports minded agents have been introducing cutting edge policies covering everything from self inflicted gun shot wounds, wage losses due to steroid suspensions, and a even a new extended entourage policy.

When contacted to inform him of how he has inspired so many others, Murphy took a break from his sexual encounter with two local fashion models to express his regrets.  ”Unfortunately, the feeling I get while rounding the bases after hitting a home run at Citi Field still makes me yearn for the true thrill of cold calling potential clients to discuss their term life insurance needs.  I can only imagine the empty feeling I will get while signing my next Major League contract only to be wishing that I was really signing a new combination home, life and auto insurance policy with a safe driver rebate and low deductible.”

The GM replied,
‘The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the bullpen,
is when I carried you on the 25-man roster”
- excerpt from Footprints In The ‘Pen

Nelson Figueroa’s return the Majors after a nomadic pro career was one of the Mets feel-good stories last year, which, much like Fernando Tatis’ comeback, gave fans a positive aspect to a season that would end disappointingly.

In 2009, however, Figueroa wouldn’t make the cut when the team broke camp and would have to wait for his next chance at finding a spot on the big league club – but something funny happened on the way to the ballpark…

Nelson found a little bit of Jesus in himself.

Figueroa was eventually called up in April to make a spot-start against the Brewers, but was unceremoniously designated for assignment shortly thereafter despite giving the team a quality start. His wife Alisa famously vented her anger to the world on the Figueroa family blog about how upset they were (”Nelson is upset,” she wrote. “He gave them a quality start and … did not expect to be told that wasn’t good enough and that they needed to make a move and he was that move. He expected more than one day in the big leagues this time around.” After being universally ridiculed by every baseball fan wishing they made $400K playing pro ball on any level for (a) ignoring the rule that there’s no crying in baseball, (b) allowing your wife to quote you crying on the Internet and (c) eventually re-signing with the Mets after discovering no other team likes to sign cry-babies, Nelson was again called up in May thanks to some injuries on the big league club.

But where was Nelson between his call-ups?

He actually never left Flushing. Believing that his designation was a sign from God to find Baby Jesus, the 34-year old Coney Island native immediately gave up his worldly goods (total value: $347.68). He grew his hair out, donned a white linen cloth usually reserved for the post game spread, and stopped shaving. Alisa was there with him at all times, carrying a laptop with a Verizon Wireless mobile access card, blogging his every move.

Nelson brought his kids to the World’s Fair Marina near Citi Field, and re-baptized them in the cold, murky waters of LaGuardia Bay. The pneumonia they developed as a result cleared up after two weeks, though doctors believe the mild rashes may need more time to dissipate.  Nelson also shocked onlookers when he attempted to walk on water by crossing the Flushing River – not because he was able to do so thanks to deeply-caked layers of sludge, congealed oil and cat carcasses tossed in by nearby Main Street eateries, but because he risked permanent skin damage doing so barefoot.

Finally, 40 hours and 231 blog posts later, Nelson finally found time to reflect at an empty Citi Field while the Mets were on the road. The groundskeepers had the day off and some footprints remained imprinted on the bullpen pitching mound. He looked up to the scoreboard, where AV crews were testing some images. A smiling Jesus looked down mockingly at Nelson. “Why have you forsaken me?” he asked out loud. Alisa, carrying his cell phone for him, felt a vibration. “Honey – it’s Tony Bernarzard,” she said nervously.

Two hours later, a freshly shaved, cropped, and showered Nelson Figueroa was headed to LaGuardia to catch a flight west to California to meet with team on their west coast swing. His inner search was complete. The bullpen’s new long man was their savior.

*The last paragraph was fabricated

Los Angeles – In a 2-2 ballgame in the top of the 11th inning Monday night, Ryan Church was greeted with a high five by Louis Castillo after crossing home plate with the go-ahead run. Only the run didn’t count. On his dash from first base, after an Angel Pagan drive to the right-centerfield gap, Church missed the third base bag, resulting in an out and likely costing the Mets the game. It was the latest and most embarrassing mistake in what has been a season filled with miscues for the team.

Fielding reporters’ questions after the game, Church was unapologetic for his base running blunder, claiming it was no blunder at all. Rather, it was a stand for teen abstinence.

Church, whose deep religious views are well known, told reporters, “Young people in America are constantly bombarded with graphic images of sex everywhere they turn. And it’s difficult to remain committed to God’s intentions.  Spending time on 1st base is fairly innocent.  And even swiping 2nd base can be fairly sinless.  But trouble starts at 3rd, where it is often difficult for teens to obey the yield sign on their way to ‘home plate.’  Hopefully this gesture will raise awareness for this very important cause.”

While with the Washington Nationals in 2005, Church issued an apology after relaying a conversation he had with the team’s chaplain.  Seeking advice about a former girlfriend, who was Jewish, Church reportedly asked, “Jewish people, they don’t believe in Jesus.  Does that mean they’re doomed?”  After being told that yes, in fact, they are, Church replied, “Man, if they only knew.  Other religions don’t know any better. It’s up to us to spread the word.”  When pressed whether or not he’d “rounded third” properly with that girlfriend, Church stated he did, but that it “didn’t count because she’s just a Jew broad.”

But what can a teen do to stave off temptation when there seems to be a clear path to home?  Church recommends doing what he does.  ”Just envision the bloated figure of third base coach Razor Shines giving you the stop sign.  And just remember, you don’t need to go all the way to score with Jesus.”

Despite being 4th on the team in at bats through Tuesday, Church is 9th in runs scored

• Born in the bathroom of a McDonalds on Dewey Avenue in Rochester, NY
• Grand nephew of actress Joyce Randolph, best known for playing Trixie Norton on The Honeymooners; her role as a lower-middle class Brooklyn housewife inspired Redding to become a mediocre Major League pitcher
• Considers his Color Me Badd “Young, Gifted & Badd” CD his most prized possession

Veteran member of the Redneck Goatee Players Association (RGPA); members include:

Scott Eyre

Brad Lidge

Brett Myers

Matt Garza

JJ Putz

Rick White

Heath Bell

Jeff Bagwell

Kenny Powers

Scott Spezio (Steroid Soulpatch Division)

Jayson Werth (Steroid Soulpatch Division)

• Chose his current uniform number, 44, as a tribute to his favorite ballplayer of all time, Lastings Milledge

Kevin McReynolds, years after serving as the Mets outfielder, soon settled into a comfortable career path after his big league career was over.  K-Mac, as his teammates called him, was famous for frustrating the Mets faithful with his passionless, business-like approach to the game despite flashes of talent.

Where better for such a personality to work than at K-Mart, a place where plain-clothed employees spend away hour after soul-crushing hour helping the suburban hordes of Oceola County, Florida? “I was initially drawn to the stockroom job by the hours,” says McReynolds, now 49 years of age, “But the utter lack of excitement and general daily nuisances such interacting with others is what’s kept me here all these years.”

McReynolds rose up the ranks within store #266 and eventually became manager of the branch. “It was an exciting day when I was promoted. We stayed up until 10pm that night browsing through K-Mart’s website,” recalls McReynolds. The complete lack of drama also drew his son, Reynold, to apply for a job with the chain while in high school.  Reynold’s ascent was quick and he is now the district manager.

Asked if reporting to his son was strange or caused tension, the elder McReynolds shrugged and replied “I’m proud of him. He’s a great boss, doing as little to rock the boat as possible. He could’ve went the pro ball route, spent a few years traveling the country being paid well to play a kid’s game. But really, is it worth it? To me, making sure the people of this community have enough Toms of Maine stocked is fulfilling in itself.”

I’m a white boy from Virginia. Who do you THINK I’m voting for?”  - David Wright, October 2008 at Duke’s Original Roadhouse, NYC (from first-hand sources *)

So you think Daniel Murphy’s in a slump. Some sort of rut, or “funk,” as the Mets’ second-winningest manager Willie Randolph liked to say. As of the end of the 4-3 win over the Braves last night (in which Murph went 0-3), his BA is down to a pedestrian .277.  Murph’s now gone two for his last twenty something over the past week – or so the liberal media would have you believe.

They say numbers never lie. But you know who does? The bedwetting liberal national media, that’s who. Murphaholics know full well that it’s physically impossible for Murphy to ever, ever, ever go into any kind of slump – he famously never heard of the word until he reached the bigs – but the biased NY-based media outlets have gone to amazing lengths to make Murph look bad for what amounts to the baseball equivalent of affirmative action.

The media has been using stock footage from the first five weeks of the season as well as advanced CGI in place of Murphy’s more recent at-bats, directing SNY play-by-play man Gary Cohen to read from a script during live broadcasts.  Murphy’s two inside-the-park home runs in last Saturday’s game against the Pirates were instead substituted for a strikeout and pop out. Along the exit gates, Citi Field staff have been outfitted with memory erasers like the ones used in the Men in Black movies. The goal? Make Daniel Murphy seem simply ordinary.  Some, like FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly, suggests the liberal media is simply pandering to a heavily Latin ball club.

“An all-American white kid from the south playing in the country’s most left-leaning media market? Please.  The kid doesn’t have a chance,” FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly was quoted as saying.  When asked by a caller why David Wright received no such treatment over the last few years, O’Reilly scoffed and responded, “Please, there’s only room for one Jesus on ‘Los Mets.’ Their front office doesn’t want the Lopez’s and Gomez’s or whoever else to protest with a siesta if a second white guy outperformed them regularly.”

Ex-MSNBC personality Michael Savage see things in bigger perspective. “Mets ownership dedicated their ballpark’s entrance to the wrong guy. Where’s the Moses Fleetwood Walker Rotunda? Oh right, not recent enough for a feel-good story.  Look, Major League Baseball is too caught up in protecting its diverse image, so it doesn’t surprise me once bit that young Danny Murphy’s accomplishments are being adversely manipulated to make him look ordinary.  This Carlos Beltran has suppsedly been on fire since day one, Luis Castillo may end up being comeback player of the year or whatever, and Johan is pitching decently, but yet the New York fans get on David Wright for being among the league leaders in strikeouts and fails to come through in big spots? Open your eyes, America.”

Eventually, though, The Murph can’t be held down for long.  The media will eventually relent and let Murph’s fair skin take up the back page or head the sports show highlights.

We’re not going to take it much longer… and you can bet your ass Murph won’t either.

Opinions expressed in this post are solely the poster’s and do not in anyway reflect the thoughts or beliefs of ohmurph.com

* Not necessarily true

Mothers day for many people means flowers, dinner, and for some baseball fans, maybe a trip to the ballpark with dear ol’ mom.  In this special edition of Oh Murph, we’ll take a look at how Mother’s Day is celebrated in Murph’s household.

Legend has it that the Murphy men carry a genetic abnormality that allows them to produce Super Sperm, the rare ability to generate offspring which have near-superhuman abilities, such as veteran-like plate discipline.  As a result, the Murphy’s decided to celebrate Mother’s Day as a pre-Father’s Day upon the birth of young Daniel Murphy in 1985.  While the traditional June date for Father’s Day was relegated to the usual ties and coffee mugs, Mother’s Day was now reserved for commemorating the day the Murphy mens’ Super Sperm spawned a future Hall of Famer.

Realizing the fame and fortune that the young Murph would bring to the family, the Murphy’s wasted no time in signing him up for various sports and activities.  While Mister Miyagi needed two chopsticks to pick flies out of the air, Murph was able to do it with just one by sharpening the end of it with his teeth and impaling the unsuspecting bug – at the age of three.

Fast forward a couple of decades, and Daniel Murphy is poised to make his mark in the Major Leagues. Russell Athletic has already had to develop a specialized custom athletic supporter for Murph, not unlike the concept or purpose of the container Vittoria Vetra and her father created out of necessity to contain their anti-matter in Dan Brown’s ‘Angels & Demons’ – that is, even a tiny amount released would have dire consequences. 

For now, the Murphy family is content with their son in the bigs, even while stars such as Oprah have requested samples from the fruit of the Murphy loin for developing their own progeny – not that Murph would hit that.  The only thing he’s hitting right now are 9 oz. horsehide balls with his wood. 

Editors Note:  Mario went to the Mets game yesterday while his mother was celebrating with the rest of the family

Joba’s mother’s mug shot was released today.  After finding out she was slinging Meth, we at OH MURPH! thought she’d be a complete mess.  Boy, were we surprised when we saw that she is an absolute MILF!  Julie Alexandria’s got nothing on her!

Jacqueline Standley A.K.A Joba’s mom, 44 of Nebraska is facing felony charges of suspicion of selling Methamphetamine to an under cover police officer in February.

Look at the picture, kids…  she looks completely innocent and clean.

Joba was quoted as saying “You’ve only got one mom, man, and you’ve got to be thankful for her, I still love her”

Who wouldn’t love that face?

Click here for the full article