Flushing, NY — In what is further evidence of the growing paranoia among Major League Baseball players and personnel about being linked to steroid use, the stool of Phillies outfielder Raul Ibanez refuted comments the MVP candidate made Tuesday night.
In response to blogger Jerod Morris’ insinuation that Ibanez’s startling production this season might be due to performance enhancing drugs, an angry Ibanez declared, “You can have my urine, my hair, my blood, my stool — anything you can test.”
“When I read his comments, I was flushed with anger. I mean I’ve never been linked to steroids or PED’s in my life,” Ibanez’s stool said Thursday. “I understand he’s just trying to defend himself, but to bring my name into it was bush league, just shitty of him. It really stinks, man.”
Ibanez, who signed a three-year deal with Philadelphia this offseason, is second in the National League in home runs with 20 and tied for first in RBI with 55. Those numbers put him on pace to demolish his career highs in those categories at 37 years of age.
“He says he’ll come after anyone to defames or slanders him, but then he comes out and draws attention to not only me, but to his hair and urine! What did his urine ever do to him?! You know, other than rid his body of waste secreted by his kidneys so that he doesn’t DIE and can keep hitting all these freakin’ home runs!” his stool said, visibly upset. “I really just want to wipe myself clean of this matter.”
Many fans, however, have quietly noticed an increase in the size of Ibanez’s stool in 2009. But it claims its increase in mass is purely natural. “We were in Seattle the past five years eating sushi and oysters year round. We come over to Philly where they eat cheese steaks for breakfast, what do you expect? Besides, Ibanez is obviously a big asshole.”