Archive for July, 2009

In this installment of the Encyclopedia, we take a look at our rivals over in Philadephia.

The Shane Sphincterino

The Camels Hole

The Cincinatti Castro

The Jayson Gerth

The Raul Lesbanez

The Kyle Ken-dick

The Chase Buttley

The Scott Whispering Eyre

The Eric Gruntlett

The John Gayfairy

The Chan Hoe Park

The Ryan How Hard

Jimmy Balls-in

Kyle Gaybek

The Jamie Plower

The Pedro Fel-attio

The Greg Knobs

And finally, their newest member….

The Clit Lee

Update:

Write in from Oh Murph faithful Boo#5 – The Pyle Tendicks

Cerrone: I am always left regretting 2006.  To me, Endy Chavez’s catch, so far, is the peak of the Omar Minaya Era.  Chavez crossed the infield, ball in glove, the crowd was electric, the rain was falling, and, despite the score, I think most Mets fans felt momentum and maybe even fate was on our side.  Then, strike three.  What happened?  Since, it feels like it has all been down hill.  That said, thereare still 60 games left in 2009…

Cerrone: I have heard from people with other teams that Jennry Mejia is seen as a potential front-end starting pitcher, maybe even an ace some day.  I have been waiting for the Mets to develop another Dwight Gooden since, well, Dwight Gooden.  I thought Scott Kazmir was it.  Turns out, even if he was on the Mets, he wasn’t going to be that guy.  I’m not saying Mejia will be it, for all I know it will Brad Holt, or neither, but who knows… I like Josh Thole, too.  He reminds of David Wright and Daniel Murphy mixed in to one player.  He’s a not a catcher, though.

Cerrone: I am very happy with Murphy has done this season.  Baseball fans are impatient.  Ryan Braun and Evan Longoria are so rare.  Instead, a young hitter must adjust to the adjustments made against him.  There’s a learning curve.  I think Murphy has done a good job weathering the storm.  He was on the brink of falling off the planet in June, but he fought through it and is holding his own.  To get through that, plus handle the pressure of New York, the media, these injuries, and the circus that has been 2009, and still be standing as at his age, this is a great sign.  He’s defense has been fantastic, as well.  I still expect him to be a Dave Magadan, John Olerud type.  I bet, in time, he’ll be the type of player Mets fans consider to be a huge part of the team and a possible captain, because of his work ethic and toughness, all while the rest of the league thinks were are crazy and sees him him as being overrated.

Cerrone: I’d like to go back in time and hang with Keith Hernandez, Ron Darling, Rusty Staub, and those guys from 1986, piling in to Staub’s van, talking baseball on the way to his steak house in Manhattan at 1 am, followed by the type of debauchery that team was legendary for getting in to.

OM:  How do you motivate Mike and Regis to make posts? I find myself having to crack the whip on Osse Jorosco quite a bit…you know, show him who’s boss.  What kind of motivational advice can I give Osse.

Cerrone: I ask very little of those guys.  It’s my blog.  I write it.  In the end, MetsBlog.com is Matthew Cerrone, and I take a ton of pride and work very hard to be the guy people trust to always be on watch, i.e., you go do your homework, or tuck in your kids, and when you get back, I’ll let you know what is going on, what’s important, what isn’t, who said what, what I think, and what to read and where to read it.  It is unrealistic to expect someone else to assist in this.  I’m online essentially 24 hours a day, even when I’m sleeping.  I ask the other writers to pick up the slack when I lose steam.  They do an amazing job when called in from the bullpen.  I appreciate them more than they know.

OM:  In your opinion, who got more women on the road? Keith Hernandez or Tim Mccarver in his hay day?

Cerrone: It has to be Keith.  McCarver probably lost his fair share by telling endless, boring stories talking up Steve Carlton.

OM:  Razor Shines… Hot or Not?

Cerrone: Tepid.  I think he’s too aggressive as a third-base coach.  Of course, I only say that when a runner is thrown out.  I never give him credit when a runner is safe.  That said, guys respond to him pre-game, as a leader.  He motivates them, and deserves credit for that, especially considering the endless chatter about heart, pride and intensity about players among fans. (Editors Note:  Amazing dodge by Cerrone here, he’s not falling for any of our sexually perverse questions)

OM:  Over the past few years there has been quite a bit of speculation on whether or not Jesus Christ could hit a curve ball.  Where do you stand on this debate?

Cerrone: Who’s pitching?  Actually, what does Joe-Boo, say?

Cerrone: My grandfather, Sal Cerrone, thinks it’s hilarious.  Enough said.

Cerrone: I’d be doing what I was doing before I started blogging in 2005, which was working media relations.  In some ways, I guess I still am doing that.  I love politics and media, so I am certain I would be working in that field, and would like to get back in to it again some day.

In honor of Metsblog, comments for this post are off

The Oh Murph crew was fortunate enough to get a sit down with former Mets Vice President of Development.  The talk took place at an undiclosed Friendly’s restaurant just outside Tenafly, NJ.

OH MURPH:  We’re here with former Mets VP of Player Development, Tony Bernazard.  Tony, thanks for speaking with OhMurph.

TB: You know what this reminds me of?  Y’ever see that movie Fross/Nixon?  You’re Fross, I’m Nixon.  ”Did you fornicate last night?”  Ha ha ha.  Nixon’s awesome!

OH MURPH:  Right, well, certainly this is the forum to set the record straight.  A lot of accusations have been made against you.  A near fight with Francisco Rodriguez…Berating another Mets official in the stands at Citi Field…Ripping your shirt off and challenging the entire Binghamton Mets to a fight.  Now a host of other stories are beginning to surface, all leading to your dismissal.

TB: Well, let me address this Binghamton situation.  This is a Double-A ballclub.  You know what that means?  Means I’m talking to 4 future big leaguers and 21 future Dunkin’ Donuts cashiers.  But while they’re under my employ, they gotta get some hits. They gotta strike some guys out.  The Mets have a long tradition of hyping up their prospects beyond any measure of their talent.  And quite frankly, these losers in Binghamton were harder to hype than Obama’s health care plan.  I mean, what’s next?  We gotta actually spend time and resources scouting actual high school and college talent?  So if I gotta rip off my shirt and flash these fine Puerto Rican pecs…we’ll, that’s what being a VP of Player Development is all about!

OH MURPH:  I think it’s safe to say that no one could even name another VP of Player Development around the major leagues.

TB: Exactly.  But they know Tony B, don’t they?  Must be doing something right.

OH MURPH:  Um…I…suppose.  But pectoral muscles aside, what exactly are the responsibilities of a VP of Player Development?

TB: Eh, you know… Making it rain… Kickin’ ass and takin’ names… bobbin’ and weavin’… creamin’ and steamin’  …

OH MURPH:  I don’t even know what that last one means.

TB: You better hope you never find out.

OH MURPH:  And what can you tell us about the run-in you had with the clubhouse manager in the Mets’ Lakewood, NJ facility?  Apparently, you were missing your credentials -

TB: - Credentials?  These are my credentials… (removes his testicles from his pants).

OH MURPH:  Uh…

TB: Then this jerk-off asks me if I’m the bus driver!  I mean, what the f– Bus driver?!?! Just because I’m dark skinned and smell like exhaust fume?!?!  That’s racist, yo!

OH MURPH:  Let’s talk about Willie Randolph.  Willie claims you were the main culprit behind his firing.  What do you have to say about that?

TB: (pauses, smiles) You’re welcome, Mets fans.

OH MURPH:  And the decision to fly him out to Anaheim only to fire him there?

TB:  (claps his hands in delight) Oh, man, how great was that!?!?  We’re at Shea that Sunday and Omar says, “I’m going to let Willie go after the 2nd game [of the double header].”  And I say, “You know what would be hilarious?  Let’s fly him out to Cali, ax his ass, then make him pay his way back!”  Ha, classic!  He goes back to his hotel room…we’ve already checked him out!! Good luck getting a flight home at 1am, Willie!  So Omar says, “Cool, let me run it by Jeff [Wilpon].” You know Omar, he’s so far up the Wilpons’ asses he can taste the gefilte fish.  He’s gotta ask permission.  So he comes back, “Uh, Jeff says he doesn’t think it’s financially, uh, you know, in terms of budgetary, uh, what with travel and all” – you know how he talk, like a kid who just got his training wheels off, trying to ride a bike – all wobbly and unsure of himself.  So I said, “O, let me handle this.”  I run into Jeff’s office – I’m completely naked!  ”Jeff, you’re spending $137 million dollars on these players and they’re 2 games under .500, going nowhere fast.  So either you and Daddy Wilpon are buffoons for spending all your money on a bunch of losers….or it’s Willie’s fault.”  See, that’s how you gotta deal with these rich guys – insult them where it hurts most, the wallet.  ”Buffoons, huh?” he says.  ”He’s making a fool out of you, Jeff. You gotta teach him a lesson.”  He thinks a second and goes, “Ok, send him out to Anaheim. Now please put some pants on.”  Classic!

OH MURPH:  Do you think you’ll be given a shot with another organization?

TB: Who says I want one?  Tony B got plenty going on.  And now that this Mets gig is done, I’ll be able to dedicate time to my other ventures.

OH MURPH:  Really?

TB: Oh, yeah, I’m blowin’ up like JLo!  Got a hand in everything.  Coming out with a self help book. Yeah. Called “Clothing Optional: How to Cream and Steam.”  It’s basically about not taking shit from no one.  Gonna tour the country with that one, speaking engagements and shit like that.  Also, I got a reality show idea I want to pitch to Spike where I challenge all kinds of people to fights.  Athletes, cops, school teachers, children, priests, dragons…whoever’s asking for it.  Gonna call it “Shirts and Skins.”   Plus, I plan to hit the recording studio in the fall. Check it: (begins to sing) “Mariella, yo te daria mi corazon, yo te daria mi camisa…..” Amazing, right?

OH MURPH:  Is there anything you’ll take away from this experience?

TB: You mean other than Frank Cashen’s ‘86 ring?  Ha, fleeced that shit on my way out!  It was just laying there, right inside a glass display case!  Seriously though…nothing.

OH MURPH:  Well, thank you for setting the record straight.

TB: Hey, any time.

OH MURPH:  Now please put your testicles away.

On Tuesday night, Angels SS Erick Aybar became the first Major Leaguer to shit on an opposing players helmet. Mid play.

Fernando Tatis last night delivered a pinch-hit grand slam to lift the Mets over the Rockies at Citi Field. Using reverse psychology, manager Jerry Manuel called on Fernando “6-4-3″ Tatis to deliver in a situation in which a double play was the worst possible outcome: 8th inning, two out, bases juiced, game tied.

Thank You, Mr. Jesus!

Despite being a part-time player, Tatis leads Planet Earth in GIDPs. His propensity for grounding into double plays has lead opposing teams to purposely walk the hitter in front of him when they spot him on deck. Some pitchers have sent him “thank you” gifts such as Target gift cards. Opposing fielders even turn bases-empty double plays on ground balls hit by Tatis. PETA recently filed a petition to ban Tatis from all ballgames for killing so many worms on the infield grass.

A fella’s self-esteem is bound to take a beating after repeatedly creating two outs with just one swing. Seeing a golden opportunity after his tater to lift Tatis’ spirits further, his teammates saw the fans starting a wave out by the left-center seats, as has become common practice by the Citi Field “fans” during close, exciting moments in the late innings. Tatis was in the dugout being congratulated when a couple of teammates implored him to take a “curtain call,” and Tatis was thrust out of the dugout with a perfectly-timed shove as the wave passed over the home dugout. Tatis’ heartwarming smile was all the guys needed to know that their mission was accomplished.

That night, Tatis would go home to his two Yorkies, Fernanda and DeePee, and recount to them his great night. Meanwhile, the Citi Field faithful that night would finish scarfing down their lobster rolls, or finish playing Playstation 3 out past centerfield, or sip their cocktails in the Caesar’s club, and would eventually learn of Tatis’ exploits while watching NY1 the next morning. “Oh look, dear,” Mortimer Wilsonshire III said from his Connecticuit mansion. “It appears that the Metropolitans won the match we attended yesterday evening due to that Latino fellow. Shame we didn’t see it.”

OhMurph.com has received first-hand knowledge of an off-the-field incident involving ace Johan Santana during the filming of a recent Subway commercial with Yankees ace CC Sabathia.

The sandwich franchise created a popular commercial in 2005 which featured then-skippers Willie Randolph and Joe Torre, in which their baseball rivalry spilled out onto the culinary field. Willie’s most memorable line: “Yeah, it’s got a lotta meat!”

Moments before the attack

To promote their new Big Chipotle Cheese steak sandwich, Santana and Sabathia were enlisted to film a commercial together to discuss how promote the new sandwich. However, the filming went awry not long after the shoot started.

Upon his arrival to the set, Sabathia proceeded to consume the entire food spread that was laid out for the staff, forcing the catering company to rush an emergency order before filming could start. Sabathia then continued to polish off the seven samples of the Big Chipotle Cheese steak allocated to him before he declared himself ready to shoot. With the appetizers out of the way, a lean, trim, and tasty-looking Santana was finally brought into the set with what appeared to be a temporarily satisfied Sabathia.

The production company, however was prepared for a hunger flare-up. They had worked with Sabathia on previous commercial shoots during his time in Cleveland. Santana was placed to Sabathia’s left on the bench used on the set, ensuring his prized pitching arm was away from Sabathia. Likewise, Santana’s right arm was actually taken from a mannequin and attached under his jersey while his real arm was tied back – for reasons that became clear immediately.

During the first take, Sabathia eyed Santana’s prop sandwich in his hands. As soon as the first “cut” was yelled by the director after the “It’s playing in New York big” line, Sabathia immediately pounced on Santana and bit down hard on his right wrist while going for his sandwich, completely shattering the dummy arm. The elephant trainers were immediately mobilized and fired dartfuls of Proheptazine at Sabathia to tranquilize him while Santana’s handlers rushed him away from the set. Sabathia was roped and returned to his cage while a shaken Santana was evaluated by the medical staff.

The commercial’s producers were forced to utilize CGI in combination with separate footage that was shot two weeks following the incident with Santana alone on the set. The end result was seamless, and the ad campaign boosted non-Sabathia sales of the new sandwich to an average eight across the Tri-State region, or 4% of daily total sales.

Personally, I think this post is long overdue, but better late than never, I suppose.

5.  Masato Yoshii – One of my favorites.  Won 18 games for the Mets over 2 years before heading off to the Rockies.  He had a soft smile and a hard hand shake.  I will not forget those qualities.

4.  Kaz Matsui -  The only Asian or Non Asian player to hit a home run in his first plate appearance for three years in a row.  He fooled us into thinking we might have something here.  We didn’t, he sucked.  Wound up tearing his anus in 2008.  Ouch.

3.  Jae Soe – By Default

2.  Tsuyoshi Shinjo – Born in Japan and raised in Fukuoka, Shinjo warmed New York fans up with his orange dyed hair.  He also stole Davey Johnson’s #5.  Bold move for an Asian who is new to this land.  I don’t like that he did it, but I like the marbles. 

1.  Benny Agbayani -  Hit a big home run against the Giants in the post season.  Always appeared to look fatter than he really was, I think.  Some may say he’s in fact Hawaiian, but he falls under this category for a number of reasons, including his game winning Grand Slam against the Cubs on opening day in Tokyo.

Hello folks,

We’ll be tailgating/drinking heavily starting at 5:30 in the Citi Field parking lot this Friday.  Feel free to come by as there are a bunch of Murphaholics joining us.

Check picture below to see where we’ll be.  Look for the people wearing Oh Murph stuff.