Archive for July 15th, 2009

News out of Philadelphia suggest former Ace, Pedro Martinez AKA The Dominican Don, has signed a one year contract with the Phillies.

"Reunited again"

 Top 5 reasons Pedro signed with the Phillies:

5.  Lighter air in Philadelphia will make 83 mph fastball seem like 87 mph

4.  All the HR’s he gives up will now look justified playing in that bandbox

3.  Opportunity to introduce Jheri Curl to a new group of teammates

2.  Phillies outbid every other team’s offer of $0/0 years.

1.  Cock fighting is legal in Philadelphia

We need a little help from the Oh Murph faitful… post your #1 reason Pedro signed with the Phils in the comment section.

The All Star Game’s Home Run Derby was held in St. Louis on Monday night, one of the highlights of the festivities that lead up to the All Star Game each year. While the likes of Ryan Howard and Nelson Cruz crushed balls into the bleachers, others couldn’t help but be drawn to – and disappointed with – the shoddy outfield work of the kids shagging balls in the field.

“Awful. Embarrasing, even,” an anonymous NL scout was quoted as saying. “I understand they’re kids, but they do have gloves and there are a few dozen of them. They look like the goddamn Keystone Cops out there. I might make an instructional Little League DVD with footage of these schleprocks and call it ‘Whatever they do, you do the opposite.’ ”

The kids selected to shag outfield balls during the Home Run Derby are typically the children or relatives of Major League executives, or may have won a contest from their local Little League. Their job is to retrieve the balls hit into the outfield that didn’t clear the fence or go foul.

American League manager Joe Maddon took some time during the Derby to evaluate the group of ten-to-thirteen year olds. “Noodle arms, terrible footwork, bad reads, awful routes.  One too many one-handed catches when they actually run into one. and to be honest, one too many red heads out there”

ESPN purportedly fitted  their broadcast team with specialized contact lenses that filtered out the children in the outfield to prevent any temptation to ridicule them on a national broadcast. Joe Morgan, in particular, takes every opportunity to criticize any human being not named Joe Morgan, whom he equates to a combination of Jesus, Ghandi, and Barack Obama. “Except Jesus don’t have no plaque in the Hall of Fame,” Morgan said during a commercial break.

Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols also couldn’t ignore the comedy of errors he observed between rounds. “I mean, my stepson is retarded and I know he’d be more coordinated than those kids out there. At least he has an excuse.”

Bud Selig declined comment for this article.

Its been common knowledge since circa 1974 that Stan Musial was no longer a living member of society, but prior to tonight’s All-Star game, the world was given a pleasant surprise.  As we were all eagerly awaiting the President’s first pitch, all of a sudden, out from right field comes an actual, living, breathing Stan Musial.  I’m sure I can speak for all of you when I say, the outcome of this game, now has a slightly lesser meaning.

Who’s next year — Cal Ripken Sr.?

"I'm not dead, asshole!"