Archive for July 24th, 2009

"Pimpin' ain't easy"

Bobby Kielty didn’t have the luxury of a simple childhood but simple children had the luxury of Bobby Kielty.  Bobby grew up in Fontana, California during the early 1980’s.  He had a few close friends, a following, almost.
Bobby was born Carson Carmichael in a small Scottish town called Rosslyn in August of 1976.  He would soon know the cold, wet feeling of neglect.  His mother, Gaira, being a single mum, knew the best thing for young Carson was to give him up to a more suitable family.
After the auction ended, Carson was given a new name and Mr. and Mrs. Kielty , the new family, were on their way home to California.  Bobby grew up as an outcast, just like any other red headed step child would be.  The cruel California children would often tease Bobby for his shiteous head color, and Mr. Kielty would often beat him with his old Gaucho belt.  Bobby didn’t handle this well for the majority of his childhood.  He could often be found alone in a corner of a room staring off to space; there he once recalled “no one could make fun of me.”
At the age of 13, Bobby found solace in the form of a bat and balls.  He came to terms with his father abandoning him and his mum and started looking forward to life ahead of him instead of behind him.
In 2001, Kielty went pro with the Minnesota Twins.  He spent time with 6 different teams throughout his career.  One scout was quoted back in 2006 “The guy is the definition of ‘pretty useless’.  I have no idea how he continues to get shots with professional ball clubs.”
‘Pretty useless’ he was and after being released by the New York Mets earlier this season, Kielty rejected an offer to be Carrot Top’s stunt double in his upcoming theatrical release “Problem Child 4.”  Bobby instead, decided to go back where it all started, in the small town of Rosslyn, Scottland.  No one ever heard from Bobby Kielty again, and no one gave a shit.

Update:  9:35 am

As Promised, our team of investigators has uncovered the smoking gun.  It appears evident that it is indeed Mr. Billy Bean who is commiting these heinous acts of queerness.  The surprising part of this whole thing is Bean’s outreach to Canada with relative ease.

We will continue to follow as news developes….

DEVELOPING……….

It has come to our attention that something strange is happening in baseball.  Maybe a trend… maybe a epidemic…. maybe too much Billy Bean running around getting his way.  Regardless its happening at an alarming rate as we just reported another occurance on Tuesday in New York.  Now it appears its made its way to the Windy City.

We assure you that the Oh Murph investigative team is commited in getting to the bottom of this.

Let’s just start this…..

ALIVE:

Walter Cronkite:  No

The Mets:  No

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

CATCH PHRASE:

Walter Cronkite:  And that’s the way it is

The Mets:  You Gotta Believe

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

DEFINING MOMENT:

Walter Cronkite:  Reporting on JFK’s assassination

The Mets:  Opening a State of The Art Dodger stadium

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

DATE OF BIRTH:

Walter Cronkite:  1916

The Mets:  1962

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

ETERNAL RESTING PLACE:

Walter Cronkite:  Mount Moriah cemetery

The Mets:  4th place

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

POPULARIZED THE TERM:

Walter Cronkite:  Anchor Man

The Mets:  Choke

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

LOW POINT:

Walter Cronkite:  Dying

The Mets:  2007-2009

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

Shocker…Mets get shut out again.