Archive for July 28th, 2009

Fernando Tatis last night delivered a pinch-hit grand slam to lift the Mets over the Rockies at Citi Field. Using reverse psychology, manager Jerry Manuel called on Fernando “6-4-3″ Tatis to deliver in a situation in which a double play was the worst possible outcome: 8th inning, two out, bases juiced, game tied.

Thank You, Mr. Jesus!

Despite being a part-time player, Tatis leads Planet Earth in GIDPs. His propensity for grounding into double plays has lead opposing teams to purposely walk the hitter in front of him when they spot him on deck. Some pitchers have sent him “thank you” gifts such as Target gift cards. Opposing fielders even turn bases-empty double plays on ground balls hit by Tatis. PETA recently filed a petition to ban Tatis from all ballgames for killing so many worms on the infield grass.

A fella’s self-esteem is bound to take a beating after repeatedly creating two outs with just one swing. Seeing a golden opportunity after his tater to lift Tatis’ spirits further, his teammates saw the fans starting a wave out by the left-center seats, as has become common practice by the Citi Field “fans” during close, exciting moments in the late innings. Tatis was in the dugout being congratulated when a couple of teammates implored him to take a “curtain call,” and Tatis was thrust out of the dugout with a perfectly-timed shove as the wave passed over the home dugout. Tatis’ heartwarming smile was all the guys needed to know that their mission was accomplished.

That night, Tatis would go home to his two Yorkies, Fernanda and DeePee, and recount to them his great night. Meanwhile, the Citi Field faithful that night would finish scarfing down their lobster rolls, or finish playing Playstation 3 out past centerfield, or sip their cocktails in the Caesar’s club, and would eventually learn of Tatis’ exploits while watching NY1 the next morning. “Oh look, dear,” Mortimer Wilsonshire III said from his Connecticuit mansion. “It appears that the Metropolitans won the match we attended yesterday evening due to that Latino fellow. Shame we didn’t see it.”

OhMurph.com has received first-hand knowledge of an off-the-field incident involving ace Johan Santana during the filming of a recent Subway commercial with Yankees ace CC Sabathia.

The sandwich franchise created a popular commercial in 2005 which featured then-skippers Willie Randolph and Joe Torre, in which their baseball rivalry spilled out onto the culinary field. Willie’s most memorable line: “Yeah, it’s got a lotta meat!”

Moments before the attack

To promote their new Big Chipotle Cheese steak sandwich, Santana and Sabathia were enlisted to film a commercial together to discuss how promote the new sandwich. However, the filming went awry not long after the shoot started.

Upon his arrival to the set, Sabathia proceeded to consume the entire food spread that was laid out for the staff, forcing the catering company to rush an emergency order before filming could start. Sabathia then continued to polish off the seven samples of the Big Chipotle Cheese steak allocated to him before he declared himself ready to shoot. With the appetizers out of the way, a lean, trim, and tasty-looking Santana was finally brought into the set with what appeared to be a temporarily satisfied Sabathia.

The production company, however was prepared for a hunger flare-up. They had worked with Sabathia on previous commercial shoots during his time in Cleveland. Santana was placed to Sabathia’s left on the bench used on the set, ensuring his prized pitching arm was away from Sabathia. Likewise, Santana’s right arm was actually taken from a mannequin and attached under his jersey while his real arm was tied back – for reasons that became clear immediately.

During the first take, Sabathia eyed Santana’s prop sandwich in his hands. As soon as the first “cut” was yelled by the director after the “It’s playing in New York big” line, Sabathia immediately pounced on Santana and bit down hard on his right wrist while going for his sandwich, completely shattering the dummy arm. The elephant trainers were immediately mobilized and fired dartfuls of Proheptazine at Sabathia to tranquilize him while Santana’s handlers rushed him away from the set. Sabathia was roped and returned to his cage while a shaken Santana was evaluated by the medical staff.

The commercial’s producers were forced to utilize CGI in combination with separate footage that was shot two weeks following the incident with Santana alone on the set. The end result was seamless, and the ad campaign boosted non-Sabathia sales of the new sandwich to an average eight across the Tri-State region, or 4% of daily total sales.