Archive for July 29th, 2009
The Oh Murph crew was fortunate enough to get a sit down with former Mets Vice President of Development. The talk took place at an undiclosed Friendly’s restaurant just outside Tenafly, NJ.
OH MURPH: We’re here with former Mets VP of Player Development, Tony Bernazard. Tony, thanks for speaking with OhMurph.
TB: You know what this reminds me of? Y’ever see that movie Fross/Nixon? You’re Fross, I’m Nixon. ”Did you fornicate last night?” Ha ha ha. Nixon’s awesome!
OH MURPH: Right, well, certainly this is the forum to set the record straight. A lot of accusations have been made against you. A near fight with Francisco Rodriguez…Berating another Mets official in the stands at Citi Field…Ripping your shirt off and challenging the entire Binghamton Mets to a fight. Now a host of other stories are beginning to surface, all leading to your dismissal.
TB: Well, let me address this Binghamton situation. This is a Double-A ballclub. You know what that means? Means I’m talking to 4 future big leaguers and 21 future Dunkin’ Donuts cashiers. But while they’re under my employ, they gotta get some hits. They gotta strike some guys out. The Mets have a long tradition of hyping up their prospects beyond any measure of their talent. And quite frankly, these losers in Binghamton were harder to hype than Obama’s health care plan. I mean, what’s next? We gotta actually spend time and resources scouting actual high school and college talent? So if I gotta rip off my shirt and flash these fine Puerto Rican pecs…we’ll, that’s what being a VP of Player Development is all about!
OH MURPH: I think it’s safe to say that no one could even name another VP of Player Development around the major leagues.
TB: Exactly. But they know Tony B, don’t they? Must be doing something right.
OH MURPH: Um…I…suppose. But pectoral muscles aside, what exactly are the responsibilities of a VP of Player Development?
TB: Eh, you know… Making it rain… Kickin’ ass and takin’ names… bobbin’ and weavin’… creamin’ and steamin’ …
OH MURPH: I don’t even know what that last one means.
TB: You better hope you never find out.
OH MURPH: And what can you tell us about the run-in you had with the clubhouse manager in the Mets’ Lakewood, NJ facility? Apparently, you were missing your credentials -
TB: - Credentials? These are my credentials… (removes his testicles from his pants).
OH MURPH: Uh…
TB: Then this jerk-off asks me if I’m the bus driver! I mean, what the f– Bus driver?!?! Just because I’m dark skinned and smell like exhaust fume?!?! That’s racist, yo!
OH MURPH: Let’s talk about Willie Randolph. Willie claims you were the main culprit behind his firing. What do you have to say about that?
TB: (pauses, smiles) You’re welcome, Mets fans.
OH MURPH: And the decision to fly him out to Anaheim only to fire him there?
TB: (claps his hands in delight) Oh, man, how great was that!?!? We’re at Shea that Sunday and Omar says, “I’m going to let Willie go after the 2nd game [of the double header].” And I say, “You know what would be hilarious? Let’s fly him out to Cali, ax his ass, then make him pay his way back!” Ha, classic! He goes back to his hotel room…we’ve already checked him out!! Good luck getting a flight home at 1am, Willie! So Omar says, “Cool, let me run it by Jeff [Wilpon].” You know Omar, he’s so far up the Wilpons’ asses he can taste the gefilte fish. He’s gotta ask permission. So he comes back, “Uh, Jeff says he doesn’t think it’s financially, uh, you know, in terms of budgetary, uh, what with travel and all” – you know how he talk, like a kid who just got his training wheels off, trying to ride a bike – all wobbly and unsure of himself. So I said, “O, let me handle this.” I run into Jeff’s office – I’m completely naked! ”Jeff, you’re spending $137 million dollars on these players and they’re 2 games under .500, going nowhere fast. So either you and Daddy Wilpon are buffoons for spending all your money on a bunch of losers….or it’s Willie’s fault.” See, that’s how you gotta deal with these rich guys – insult them where it hurts most, the wallet. ”Buffoons, huh?” he says. ”He’s making a fool out of you, Jeff. You gotta teach him a lesson.” He thinks a second and goes, “Ok, send him out to Anaheim. Now please put some pants on.” Classic!
OH MURPH: Do you think you’ll be given a shot with another organization?
TB: Who says I want one? Tony B got plenty going on. And now that this Mets gig is done, I’ll be able to dedicate time to my other ventures.
OH MURPH: Really?
TB: Oh, yeah, I’m blowin’ up like JLo! Got a hand in everything. Coming out with a self help book. Yeah. Called “Clothing Optional: How to Cream and Steam.” It’s basically about not taking shit from no one. Gonna tour the country with that one, speaking engagements and shit like that. Also, I got a reality show idea I want to pitch to Spike where I challenge all kinds of people to fights. Athletes, cops, school teachers, children, priests, dragons…whoever’s asking for it. Gonna call it “Shirts and Skins.” Plus, I plan to hit the recording studio in the fall. Check it: (begins to sing) “Mariella, yo te daria mi corazon, yo te daria mi camisa…..” Amazing, right?
OH MURPH: Is there anything you’ll take away from this experience?
TB: You mean other than Frank Cashen’s ‘86 ring? Ha, fleeced that shit on my way out! It was just laying there, right inside a glass display case! Seriously though…nothing.
OH MURPH: Well, thank you for setting the record straight.
TB: Hey, any time.
OH MURPH: Now please put your testicles away.