Archive for July, 2009

The following took place during the Twins Vs. Angels game on Saturday

"Steve likes it from behind"

OhMurph.com contributor Osse Jorosco was recently added to the Missing Persons list after spending the last few days MIA. Following a full invesetigation by the Mets Front Office after recent events with the Binghamton Mets, Osse’s whereabouts were finally discovered.

Jorosco recently spent a weekend in beautiful Binghamton, New York to hang out with his cousin, Jose Coronado, a shortstop prospect with the Binghamton Mets. After an alcohol-fueled night out at Zippers Bar & Grill, Jorosco and Coronado snuck back into the NYSEG Stadium offices where team officials had left a fruit basket in preparation for Assistant GM Tony Bernazard’s visit. They proceeded on replacing the contents of the jars of preserves, containers of cream spreads, and bottles of apple juice with various bodily excrements.

Bernazard, known for his affinity for fruit baskets, proceeded to help himself to the spread shortly after his arrival to the ballpark the following day. Enraged, Bernazard turned to see a chuckling Orosco and Coronado quickly duck out of view. The rest of the story has been well-published in recent days around the print and internet media.

Since the incident, Jorosco has been placed in protective custody by the Mets Front Office in a place that is empty, dark, and rarely visited, rumored to be the Wilpons’ bank vault. Orosco has since reached out to Kid Carter to inform him of his well-being and his impending return.

This is something I was hoping I wouldn’t have to address, but sometime after midnight on July 15th, our beloved writer, Osse Jorosco went missing.

Osse was known for posts such as:

• The Top 5 Reasons Pedro Chose Phillies
• Billy The Marlin Run D-Train
• Get To Know: Chip Ambres
• No Murphy, No Cry
• Here Today, Gonzalez Tomorrow
• Where Are You Know, Kevin Mcreynolds?
• And most importantly, our mission statement and first post:  Oh, Murph

You are deeply missed, Osse.  Come home.

"Pimpin' ain't easy"

Bobby Kielty didn’t have the luxury of a simple childhood but simple children had the luxury of Bobby Kielty.  Bobby grew up in Fontana, California during the early 1980’s.  He had a few close friends, a following, almost.
Bobby was born Carson Carmichael in a small Scottish town called Rosslyn in August of 1976.  He would soon know the cold, wet feeling of neglect.  His mother, Gaira, being a single mum, knew the best thing for young Carson was to give him up to a more suitable family.
After the auction ended, Carson was given a new name and Mr. and Mrs. Kielty , the new family, were on their way home to California.  Bobby grew up as an outcast, just like any other red headed step child would be.  The cruel California children would often tease Bobby for his shiteous head color, and Mr. Kielty would often beat him with his old Gaucho belt.  Bobby didn’t handle this well for the majority of his childhood.  He could often be found alone in a corner of a room staring off to space; there he once recalled “no one could make fun of me.”
At the age of 13, Bobby found solace in the form of a bat and balls.  He came to terms with his father abandoning him and his mum and started looking forward to life ahead of him instead of behind him.
In 2001, Kielty went pro with the Minnesota Twins.  He spent time with 6 different teams throughout his career.  One scout was quoted back in 2006 “The guy is the definition of ‘pretty useless’.  I have no idea how he continues to get shots with professional ball clubs.”
‘Pretty useless’ he was and after being released by the New York Mets earlier this season, Kielty rejected an offer to be Carrot Top’s stunt double in his upcoming theatrical release “Problem Child 4.”  Bobby instead, decided to go back where it all started, in the small town of Rosslyn, Scottland.  No one ever heard from Bobby Kielty again, and no one gave a shit.

Update:  9:35 am

As Promised, our team of investigators has uncovered the smoking gun.  It appears evident that it is indeed Mr. Billy Bean who is commiting these heinous acts of queerness.  The surprising part of this whole thing is Bean’s outreach to Canada with relative ease.

We will continue to follow as news developes….

DEVELOPING……….

It has come to our attention that something strange is happening in baseball.  Maybe a trend… maybe a epidemic…. maybe too much Billy Bean running around getting his way.  Regardless its happening at an alarming rate as we just reported another occurance on Tuesday in New York.  Now it appears its made its way to the Windy City.

We assure you that the Oh Murph investigative team is commited in getting to the bottom of this.

Let’s just start this…..

ALIVE:

Walter Cronkite:  No

The Mets:  No

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

CATCH PHRASE:

Walter Cronkite:  And that’s the way it is

The Mets:  You Gotta Believe

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

DEFINING MOMENT:

Walter Cronkite:  Reporting on JFK’s assassination

The Mets:  Opening a State of The Art Dodger stadium

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

DATE OF BIRTH:

Walter Cronkite:  1916

The Mets:  1962

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

ETERNAL RESTING PLACE:

Walter Cronkite:  Mount Moriah cemetery

The Mets:  4th place

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

POPULARIZED THE TERM:

Walter Cronkite:  Anchor Man

The Mets:  Choke

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

LOW POINT:

Walter Cronkite:  Dying

The Mets:  2007-2009

Winner:  Walter Cronkite

Shocker…Mets get shut out again.

In this installment of Caption THIS! we turn our attention to this low life piece of shit in the Mets front office.

Enjoy!

"Now, a question of etiquette - as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?"

Julie and Murph morphed.. Awesome.

Hey Fellers,

Good news!  All you crazy Julie Alexandria fans can go see her in a stand up act!

Come see Julie Alexandria live at Comix comedy club as part of the 12 Angry Mascots sports-comedy show.  Hosted by Scott Rogowsky (The Onion) and Neil Janowtiz (ESPN the Mag), 12 Angry Mascots brings together the best sports-themed stand-up and sketch comedy in the city, along with special guest interviews.  Julie will be joined by NY Rangers’ Christopher Higgins (just got traded for Scott Gomez) on the July 30th show, 7:30 pm.  There will stand-up from Comedy Central’s Dan Allen and VH1′s Best Week Ever’s Matt Goldich.

More info and tickets at http://www.comixny.com/event.aspx?eid=553&sid=2022  Comix is located at 353 W. 14th St (just east of 9th ave).

I won’t be able to make it, but tell her oh murph says hello!

Our BFF’s over at True Rivalry have been so generous as to give away a Mets shirt to the next 5 people who place an order for an Oh Murph shirt at $8.99.

“At TrueRivalry.com we know what it’s like to feel so strongly about something – your favourite team, your least favourite team. Or someone – the player or politician you love, or love to hate. So it has become our mission to give you another means of expressing your passion. Because with TrueRivalry.com, you don’t just wear your heart on your sleeve – it’s emblazoned across your chest, for all to see.”.  True Rivalry – “What side are you on?”

You can follow True Rivalry on Twitter (@truerivalry) to see more special promotions.

Check out these sweet shirts that can be yours for free!

All you have to do is order an Oh Murph shirt and you’ll receive a special promo code that can be redeemed for one of these shirts at www.truerivalry.com

Sizes: Mens and Women’s S, M, L, XL, 2XL

Remember, you’re getting paid in a few days…. charge it!

You can place your order here

Good Luck and Thanks for looking!

In this installment of Caption THIS! we pay tribute to Godzilla.

"Godzilla got into his Box O' Fun between innings"