Archive for July, 2009

This fight turned out much like Wilson's career

Jon Heyman has reported the mets rejected a deal from Toronto for RHP Roy Halladay, in return for Fernando Martinez, Bobby Parnell, John Niese and Ruben Tejada.

Apparently, Omar responded with a “resounding no.”

Let’s take a look at these “prospects”

F-Mart:  No longer a teenager but possibly the most over-hyped prospect in Baseball.  People think he’s the next coming of  Daniel Murphy (joke) He’s a tooth pick, can never stay healthy.  Awesome.

Jon Niese:  Will make a fantastic 4th starter….. one day

Bobby Parnell:  I like Parnell, a lot.  No problems with him.

Ruben Tejada:  This kid is *20 years old!  He didn’t start wiping his own ass until, what?… 9 years ago?  Besides, he’s not even close to playing in the bigs.

 Now if you allow me to look at our other gems of the past, again”

Bill Pulsipher:  .406 Win %, over a 5.00 ERA.  Awesome

Paul Wilson:  .408 Win %, just under a 5.00 ERA.  At least he was better than Pulsipher.  Awesome

Lastings Milledge:  Greatest career highlight thus far — Named International League’s Batter of the week.  Awesome

David Wright:  Worked out well

Jose Reyes:  Worked out well

Greg Jeffries:  He was ok, definitely not as good as they hyped him up to be.  Definitely a prick though.

Scott Kazmir:  Turned out to be a very formadable pitcher.  Please don’t tell me I would have been ok with trading him for VZ, I wasn’t.  Halladay is a completely different ball game.

Alex Escobar:  I was excited for this guy, turns out another victim of over-hypeage.  .258 career average.  Hasn’t played since 2006.  Awesome.

 This all being said.  I am furious with this losing organization and I hope the Phillies get Halladay so we can continue our self inflicted misery.  Go get them Philly.

I’m gonna get a lot of shit for this one.

*OK, according to multiple sources, this is BS and may have not actually been offered.  Even if it wasn’t I still maintain my stance!

 We know by now the Wilpon’s have a pretty sound investing skill.  Let’s take a look at how we would have invested his money.

Carloas Beltran $19,243,682 – A Burger King lawsuit

Johan Santana $18,876,139 –  This money house in Sands Point

Brian Stokes $ 409,500 – Speidi’s Rolls Royce Phantom

Angel Pagan $ 575,000 – A Hi Ranch in North Woodmere

Gary Sheffield  $400,000 – 3.89 Acres and a Private Lake in Waleska, GA

Pedro Feliciano  $1,612,500 – A floating magnetically levitating bed

Daniel Murphy $401,000 – Daniel Murphy

Mike Pelfrey $2,237,500 – 248,887.65 Oh Murph! T Shirts

Fernando Tatis $1,700,000 – Open up a McDonald’s Franchise

Tim Redding $2,250,000 – 19 year old used Luxury Yacht

Oliver Perez $12,000,000 – 13,499.99 sessions with “Kristen”

John Maine $2,600,000 -  Arabian Camel bought by The Crown Prince of Dubai

Jose Reyes, David Wright and Luis Castillo $20,125,000 – A trip to outter space

Remainder of Scott Schoeneweis’ Contract $1,600,000 – Over 3 million rolls of 1-Ply toilet paper (the kind that sucks)

What would you have spent it on?

Today marks the 494 day (or 1 year, 4 months, 8 days, or 42,681,600 seconds or 711,360 minutes or 11,856 hours or 70 weeks (rounded down, of course)) anniversary of the greatest sports injury of all time.

This is likely the cause of the Anal Fissure

We’ve seen some gruesome injuries before, such as, Robin Ventura’s fractured foot on a slide home to Moises Alou’s disgusting foot injury to Kendall’s misstep at first base and Sammy Sosa’s back injury.

But nothing and I mean NOTHING compares to the Anal Fissure AKA Anal Rippage suffered by Kaz Matsui back in 2008.

The definition of Anal Fissure is a tear in the lining of the lower rectum (anus) that causes pain during bowel movements.

Sure, there have been more gruesome injuries in the world of baseball, but none compare to the embarrassment of the world knowing you ripped your ass and wondering how the hell it happened.  Too bad for Kaz, he wasn’t a Met when this happened as surely we would have covered it up in some shady explanation that doesn’t add up.

By the way, look at this picture of Shawn Green… he looks so young!

 Winner of the best caption gets to root for a team that is 7.5 games back!

"Start 'em out young"

(NEW YORK) -  Last week, David Howard announced what Mets fans have been waiting for – Citi Field will now be displaying Mets history throughout the stadium.  Although Mets fans have been outraged by the lack of celebration and the intruding presence of the Brooklyn Dodgers.  “It has been extremely well received” Howard said of the homage to the Dodgers, in particular, the Jackie Robinson Rotunda.  “You see all these adults, even kids who weren’t born when Jackie broke the color barrier, take pictures in front of the 42.”

What kind of changes will be made to represent Mets history?  Howard states, “Well, we’re still figuring that part out, but at the same time, fans have to realize that we need to balance it out a little bit.  With more Mets stuff, we are going to need more Brooklyn Dodger things, and with that I’m proud to announce the Wilpon’s have taken the steps to open a new, state of the art Museum to honor Jackie.”

When asked what the Museum would entail and where its location would be, Howard responded “Well, the plans are to quickly and efficiently close the Mets Club House Shop on West 42 and open it there.  We plan on taking the merchandise from the store and putting it by the banners behind the bull pen…so don’t worry, no one will see it.”

Howard explained that Mets paraphernalia would appear within Citi Field,  “We believe we’ve found the ideal spot – on the back of out-of-town scoreboard in the left field Promenade Reserved section, where all the die hard fans sit.” 

Artist Rendition of Jackie Musuem below:

Good news Friends,

We were able to get a better deal from the distributor so the shirts will now be $8.99!

For those who have bought at full price, please check your paypal accounts as I have refunded the difference this morning.

So.. what are you waiting for?

News out of Philadelphia suggest former Ace, Pedro Martinez AKA The Dominican Don, has signed a one year contract with the Phillies.

"Reunited again"

 Top 5 reasons Pedro signed with the Phillies:

5.  Lighter air in Philadelphia will make 83 mph fastball seem like 87 mph

4.  All the HR’s he gives up will now look justified playing in that bandbox

3.  Opportunity to introduce Jheri Curl to a new group of teammates

2.  Phillies outbid every other team’s offer of $0/0 years.

1.  Cock fighting is legal in Philadelphia

We need a little help from the Oh Murph faitful… post your #1 reason Pedro signed with the Phils in the comment section.

The All Star Game’s Home Run Derby was held in St. Louis on Monday night, one of the highlights of the festivities that lead up to the All Star Game each year. While the likes of Ryan Howard and Nelson Cruz crushed balls into the bleachers, others couldn’t help but be drawn to – and disappointed with – the shoddy outfield work of the kids shagging balls in the field.

“Awful. Embarrasing, even,” an anonymous NL scout was quoted as saying. “I understand they’re kids, but they do have gloves and there are a few dozen of them. They look like the goddamn Keystone Cops out there. I might make an instructional Little League DVD with footage of these schleprocks and call it ‘Whatever they do, you do the opposite.’ ”

The kids selected to shag outfield balls during the Home Run Derby are typically the children or relatives of Major League executives, or may have won a contest from their local Little League. Their job is to retrieve the balls hit into the outfield that didn’t clear the fence or go foul.

American League manager Joe Maddon took some time during the Derby to evaluate the group of ten-to-thirteen year olds. “Noodle arms, terrible footwork, bad reads, awful routes.  One too many one-handed catches when they actually run into one. and to be honest, one too many red heads out there”

ESPN purportedly fitted  their broadcast team with specialized contact lenses that filtered out the children in the outfield to prevent any temptation to ridicule them on a national broadcast. Joe Morgan, in particular, takes every opportunity to criticize any human being not named Joe Morgan, whom he equates to a combination of Jesus, Ghandi, and Barack Obama. “Except Jesus don’t have no plaque in the Hall of Fame,” Morgan said during a commercial break.

Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols also couldn’t ignore the comedy of errors he observed between rounds. “I mean, my stepson is retarded and I know he’d be more coordinated than those kids out there. At least he has an excuse.”

Bud Selig declined comment for this article.

Its been common knowledge since circa 1974 that Stan Musial was no longer a living member of society, but prior to tonight’s All-Star game, the world was given a pleasant surprise.  As we were all eagerly awaiting the President’s first pitch, all of a sudden, out from right field comes an actual, living, breathing Stan Musial.  I’m sure I can speak for all of you when I say, the outcome of this game, now has a slightly lesser meaning.

Who’s next year — Cal Ripken Sr.?

"I'm not dead, asshole!"

In this edition of Tale of The Tape, we compare Argenis Reyes Vs. Michael ‘Squints’ Palledorous from the 1993 Blockbuster “The Sandlot”

Girls Kissed

Reyes:  0

Squints:  1 (seen here)

Google Search Results

Reyes:  113,000

Squints:  1,440

Famous Line:

Reyes:  ”Shit, I’m being sent down again!”

Squints:  ”You’re killin me, Smalls!”

Has a Nickname:

Reyes:  No

Squints:  Yes

Career AVE.

Reyes:  .205

Squints:  .097

Looks Like:

Reyes:  A blonde hair dyed herb

Squints:  Steve-O  (Pic)

Ugly Fat Teammate:

Reyes:  Ramon Castro  (Pic)

Squints:  Hamilton ‘Ham’ Porter (Pic)

In a complete shocker, Squints beats the lesser Reyes by a score of 4-3.  Stay tuned for the next Tale of The Tape!