Archive for August, 2009

Don’t be lazy.  He’s there somewhere

With Scott Kazmir heading over to the Angels I can’t help but think with all the struggles the Mets had in the last 3 years, what would have been different if they didn’t trade him…

Miami – Earlier this week the Mets announced they were shutting down yet another pitcher for the remainder of the year.  Oliver Perez will have season-ending knee surgery, but General Manager Omar Minaya assured Mets fans that the 28-year-old lefty would be back in time to once again suck by spring training.

“Our medical staff is confident that Ollie’s knee will be healthy enough for him to get back on the mound by spring training in time to frustrate, disappoint, and wear out our bullpen once again.  We look forward to it.”  Perez, meanwhile, was equally optimistic.  “The doctors tell me my injury is pretty common and it’s an easy surgery to perform,” Perez said while whiping his ass with a hundred dollar bill.  “So Mets’ fans can expect to see the same pitcher out there in 2010 – jumping over foul lines, sporting high socks and a sweet thin beard, and getting my pitch count into the 80’s by the fourth inning.”

When asked by a reporter whether he felt it was ironic that the journeyman pitcher Fernando Nieve’s injury was a far greater blow to the team than that of the $36 million man, Perez, Minaya responded by asking, “What does ironic mean?”

And in a related story, Perez’s accountant, Alan J. Lipowitz, was released from the hospital late Thursday night after having surgery to repair a hernia he sustained by lifting his client’s paychecks all season.

The New York Mets’ injury woes continued today when mascot Mr. Met, 47, was diagnosed with a concussion by a neurologist not affiliated with the team. The injury apparently occurred sometime during the last homestand when Pepsi Party Patrol member Herb, accidentally launched a giveaway t-shirt into Mr. Met’s head.

Mr. Met is believed to have lost conciousness at the time of the injury and showed symptoms of a concussion when he began vomiting and complaining of headaches. Team doctors dismissed this as food poisoning and treated him with two extra-large Tylenol. Mr. Met had been performing with the concussion through this past Sunday’s game at CitiField. Former Met outfield Ryan Church reached out to Mr. Met and told him to get examined by a neurologist.

The unnamed neurologist’s report “suspects the world’s largest concussion” but cannot be 100% sure as the search for an MRI machine large enough to contain Mr. Met’s giant dome has been unsuccessful. Team doctors scoffed at the report and manager Jerry Manuel went as far to say “Mr. Met is a different animal than Ryan Church.” Omar Minaya blamed Daily News reporters for the injury, and somewhere, Tony Bernazard ripped his shirt off and challenged a minor-league mascot to a fight.

The team has not announced how they will replace Mr. Met on the next homestand, if he is unable to perform. There are some reports that indicate that the infrequently seen Mrs. Met may take her husband’s place or that Buster T. Bison may be recalled from Triple-A Buffalo; but conflicting reports say that Bobby Bonilla may return to the organization in a Mr. Met-type costume.

When asked about the Bonilla rumor, COO Jeff Wilpon would not confirm nor deny, instead indicating that the team would “rather not” have to pay any additional money to Bonilla; who is owed $1.2M annually from 2011 to 2035 as part of his January 2000 contract buyout.

 (AP) – When a season comes to an end prematurely, like the 2009 Mets campaign has, a team must look to next year.  The Mets haven’t played a meaningful game in several weeks, yet Johan Santana’s presence on the mound every fifth day serves as a reminder to the rest of the league: Watch out in 2010 because we still have the best pitcher in baseball!  However, the team will no longer fire off that warning signal as Santana has been shut down for the remainder of the season.  He will have surgery on his left elbow, which was injured while beating off to videos of himself playing on a contender.

“This in no way means I am not happy being with the Mets.  I love the Mets.  But sometimes it’s natural for a guy to fantasize about past teams.  Particularly when you went through so many pennant races and playoff series together.  But remember, I left the Twins to come to the Mets,” Santana explained.  “I mean, come on, $137 million, a new stadium, Subway commercials…the Mets are so much more attractive than the Twins,” he said with a warm smile and sexy wink.

Mets equipment manager Charlie Samuels told reporters his staff did an inordinate amount of laundry this year, particularly socks.  “Normally, we wash uniforms every few days.  Recently each cycle seemed to have 10, 12 pairs of extra socks.  We thought maybe it had to do with all the injuries, new guys getting called up and so forth, but that didn’t explain why they were so crusty.  Mystery solved!”

So Long Billy from OHMURPH on Vimeo.

In all honestly, I’m going to miss Billy Donuts, him coming back was the highlight of the season for me.

Update: 10:17 PM: oops, I jinxed it.

Original Post:

Every morning, the nation races to the local soda fountain to pick up their

local newspaper’s early edition to find out if young Murphy has added another hit.  Families are gathering around their transistor radios to hear if Murphy has inched one game closer to Joltin’ Joe’s record; It is indeed an exciting time to be an American.

Murphy started this year with a lot of promise but that promise turned into a painful .238 average.  However, in recent weeks Murphy has picked up 22 points on his average and has been swinging a swift stick.

Y.D. Murphy is 46 games away from reaching Joe D’s record set almost 70 years ago and 47 games away from breaking this impossible feat.

If all goes as planned, Murphy will break the record at home Vs.  the Marlins on April 18th 2010.

This is great… sorry.. busy day today!

Baseball Superstar Accused of Performance-Enhancing Genie Use

Oh Murph faithful @swirlywand and Jim Thompson Jr sent in pics of the beautiful Oh Murph shirts.

Jr's girlfriend well placed in front of Murphy on the screen and the guy wearing #69

Swirly outside of Cooperstown

Stunning pics ladies.. thanks!

Last night, Tim Redding pitched a gem.  5 Inn 1 Hit baseball but Jerry the clown took him out after 80 something pitches.

Jerry is a complete asshole.  I don’t care if this is Timmy Testicles first start in a while or if he pitched a few innings in relief against Atlanta.  What are we saving him for October?  How about giving us fans something to be happy about this season in leaving Timmy out there while he had his best stuff to beat our “rivals.”

Do I have something on my chin, it itches?"