Archive for August 10th, 2009

What would Jesus do if he was young, wealthy, athletic, good-looking, and tatted up like a biker? Josh Hamilton asked himself that very question on a temperate January night last winter in Tempe, Arizona.

Hamilton emerged as last season’s feel-good story about how a can’t-miss athletic talent nearly wasted his career and life away after fighting the demons of addiction, only to come back from the depths to do lots of good stuff, like lose the Home Run Derby at old Yankee Stadium during the All Star break.  He credited his astonishing comeback to his family, his spiritual mentor, and most importantly, his “relationship with Christ.”

All that goodwill came into question after photos from a bar romp last winter leaked out, a gallery of which was posted on Deadspin, in which a shirt-less Hamilton is living it up with the local lasses, like all of God’s creatures were intended to do.

"JOSH! JOSH! Got any Cat's Pee or some Crumbs? I need me some Scotty"

Before a Rangers game over the weekend, Hamilton was asked about the pictures and admirably manned up, admitted to the relapse episode, and apologized publicly. Unlike, say, Johnny Narron, Hamilton’s “accountability partner” who is on the Rangers’ payroll to ensure Hamilton stays on the straight and narrow.

In the true Christian tradition of denial, Narron completely dismissed the legitimacy of the photos, saying that he’s with Hamilton all the time. Apparently, Narron feels Hamilton’s dozens of arm, chest, and stomach tattoos are common enough to cause a case of mistake identity. No word yet if the titles of “accountability partner” and “crackhead” were swapped between Narron and Hamilton.

OhMurph.com recently caught up with Jesus to ask him his thoughts on the weekend’s developments.  ”Oh yeah, Josh definitely did what I would’ve done,” referring to Hamilton’s admission of guilt and perhaps also to his night of debauchery, adding “I mean, he’s a stud in the prime of his life, so I gave him the night off. Honestly, I’d get bored myself if all I did at night was read 2000 year-old text over and over.” Commenting on Johnny Narron, Jesus said “I’m proud of Johnny too, maintaining the Church’s tradition of lying to cover up an unflattering story, and then invoking my name, the Big JC, as a Get Out Of Jail Free card! Remember, I only do good stuff – drug addictions, birth defects, the Crusades, child molesters, smallpox, not my type of thing. Oh, wait. The Crusades were all me.”

At least Josh Hamilton did not have to deny-till-he-died. He slipped, admitted it, and life can move on for everyone. Narron can only lament that he missed a killer party. But at least he’ll have that pesky Devil character to blame if anyone questions his “accountability.”