Archive for September, 2009

Been a while since we did one of these jam box’s.    Enjoy….

The Casey Krotchman

The David Whore-tiz AKA The Big SLOPPY

The Jablowme Ellsbury AKA The Jacoffy Smellsbury

The Dustin Sextoya

The Daisuke Mastu-bata

The Josh Fuckitt

The John Molester

The Clay Buttholes

The Dictor Martinez

The Gayson Varitit

The Julio Hugehole

The Rocco Ballsmelly

The Kevin Cunnilingus  AKA The Kevin Youclitus

The Hideki Hoe-ajima

The Bill Wanker

The Jonathan Papsmear

Keeping to his word, Chad Ochocinco took a Lambeau Leep after scoring a touchdown in Sundays matchup with the Green Bay Packers. In doing so, Ochocinco defied strong intelligence he had received from NFL Security. They wanted to “chank” him said one security official who asked that his name be withheld. The chank of course, is a knife fashioned out of cheese. A popular weapon amoung street toughs in the Green Bay area. Special measures were put in place at the gates of Lambeau Field which resulted in the confiscation of hundreds of pounds of cheese related products. Not surprisingly, cheddar was the weapon of choice that fans were trying to sneak in for the possible attack. “We got lots of sharp, that’s common but I’ve never seen so much extra sharp in my life” Said another security official. “They were gonna treat him like a ritz cracker; this could have gotten ugly”.

Thankfully Ochocinco used his cabeza and carefully picked the spot where he wanted to leap. After finding some Bengals fans he did a pretty uneventful Lambeau Leap except for the kid giving the finger, who really seemed to enjoy it. What you didn’t see on your TV was NFL security tackling the kid with the can of cheese whiz. Poor little punk wanted to make a name for himself. Check out the video here.

Met great, Keith Hernandez found himself a little closer to the mob then he would have liked back in 1984 and his name is beingtossed around the courtroom as the latest trial of John Jr. Gotti opened. It turns out that lynchpin for the prosecution is a turncoat named John Alite. Alite, a former right hand man of Jr. Gotti was once in charge of a sports book operation. One of his clients was former Mets assistant equipment manager/degenerate gambler Joseph Deluca. Deluca, apparently was better at washing jockstraps then he was at picking winners because before long, he was $32,000 in debt to Alito. Now if you’re thinking “how does this in any way involve Keith Hernandez?” here you go.  Apparently these bets were made under the assumption that Deluca was placing the bets for Hernandez. That is why they allowed him to place such large debts and get so far in the hole without collecting; believing Hernandez was good for it. Long story short, Deluca asks Hernandez for help, he gives him 7 grand that Deluca blows in Atlantic City. Jr. Gotti and Alite paid a visit to Deluca, and a few broken bones later with some help from Joey’s Mom and Pop a payment plan was worked out.

Since arriving in NY in 1983 Keith Hernandez has been a true New Yorker. He won a ring here, was on Seinfeld, moved to Long Island etc. So I guess being a fringe piece of Grand Jury Testimony in a Mob case kind of adds to his New York resume. Good for you Keith!

Check out the whole article here.

For those scoring at home, Daniel Murphy now has more HRs than David Wright and just seven less RBIs. Shockingly, Murphy has as many HRs off lefties than Wright does.

Also from our guy over at Mets Walk-Offs , Murph’s 25 doubles since the all-star break is tied for most in the majors with brian roberts.  Mets Walk-Offs Wants to thank you for making this day possible

OM- PR Director Jay Horwitz announced the opening of the latest Mets

venture: a first of it’s kind baseball academy located in Glasgow,

Scotland.

Joining it’s sister academy located in the Dominican Republic, the

Glasgow facility will offer state of the art equipment and instruction.

Omar Minaya joined Horwitz for the announcement and stated “This new

location gives us access to untapped talent resources not previously

available to the major leagues”

Minaya went on to cite the popularity of golf in the country

indicating a source for hitters. He also mentioned the famous stone

throwing scene from the movie “Braveheart” and felt that there may be

some hard throwers available there.

“Look at those two pitchers from India, who would of thought?” said

Minaya, “we feel Scotland offers far greater possibilities”.

The Mets have hired one time prospect and Scotland resident Trevor

McGregor to run the academy for them.

“Eh, we’ve already found a few promisin’ lads” said McGregor. “Eh,

there’s the pitcher Travis McGoonan. Now he’s a good man, but he kenne

pee far. We’ve also got a lad that can hit a ball 140 meters. He’s got

forearms that’ll scare the shite outta ya” stated McGregor.

An observer at the academy noted all trainees were employing a head first sliding style. When asked about the unusual approach, McGregor commented “Eh, we had to teach ‘em that way. The shipment of uniforms from the US was delayed and they had to play in their kilts for a week or two. Don’t get me wrong, the traditional kilt has its advantages, history would have been different if Buckner was wearin’ one in ’86, the ball never gets through the wickets. But with a feet first slide the kilt rides up and I just didn’t have the stomach for that ugliness anymore”

Minaya went on to say that while there were no Scottish citizens

currently in the major leagues, there were plenty of players of

Scottish ancestry saying “Look at Young Daniel Murphy, he’s developing

into a fine major leaguer”

When informed that Murphy was in fact of Irish decent, Minaya said “Oh”

Daniel Murphy homered off of Eric O’Flaherty.
 
O’Flaherty is the 6th “O’” to give up a home run to a Met.
 
The others:
 
Billy O’Dell
Jim O’Toole
Dan O’Brien
Randy O’Neal
Mike O’Connor

Thanks to Mets Walkoffs for this info.

OhMurph has obtained exclusive transcripts to the Mets staff meeting recently held to address concerns and improvements targeted to the 2010 season. Here below is a selection from the first meeting:
 
Jeff Wilpon: Ok Omar, give a brief synopsis of where we are right now.
 
Omar Minaya: As you all know, 2009 was a disaster. I mean who even remembers that we were actually in first place for about 10 minutes this year? The injuries, the lack of depth, whatever, we’ll have to do better next year.
 
JW: Do better? What kind of goal is that? I want a real goal!
 
Fred Wilpon: We want to play meaningful games in September.
 
JW: Ok Dad, the nurse will be here soon. Listen, I want to do more than hope to compete, I want in the playoffs again. How do we do it?
 
Jerry Manuel: Heh, heh, heh, yeah.

 
JW: Uh, thanks Jerry. C’mon Omar, whatta ya got?
 
OM: Look Jeff, we got nothing in the minors to trade, people aren’t breaking down my door to give me a package for Lance Broadway, you know what I’m sayin’? The only way for us to rebuild is the free agent market, and you know what that takes?
 
All: MONEY!!!
 
JW: Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Listen, things are tight, I won’t lie. But you know, a few cost cutting moves and I think we’re back in the game. C’mon lets be creative, both here and at SNY, what can we do?
 
John Ricco: Well, we could get rid of Kiner.
 
FW: Nooooooo!!
 
JW: Calm down Dad, actually, Ralph pays us. How about we look at the cell phone bills? By the way Omar, who are you texting with?
 
OM: Idk, my Bff Tony B?
 
JW: Bernazard!?! What does he want?
 
OM: He’s looking for his last expense check. Says we didn’t pay his last laundry bill from when he traveled to Binghamton. Hey, forget my cell phone, I need it. What about Burkhardt’s phone? All he does with it is tweet about gluten every 10 minutes.
 
JM: Heh, heh, heh, yeah.
 
JW: Jerry, what is wrong with you? Look, meeting adjourned, come back next week with something solid.

In an attempt to recoup some  stolen missing cash the Mets have announced the new and improved version of their annual Fantasy Camp.  With many former fantasy camp attractions currently serving time this year the Mets will be offering a once in a lifetime opportunity.  By attending “Mets Disaster Camp Winter 2010” you get to change your point of view and suffer on field with the 2009 team, instead of the wasting away you are used to in your current setting of Bar/Citi Field/Friends house/Studio Apartment and truly live the 2009 Mets experience.   Here’s how it works:
The camp starts out with a flight to scenic Port St Lucie, with the highest of expectations.  You and fellow campers will get hyped up before the plane even takes off.  There will be talk of World Series potential, MVP Candidates and the like.  Upon Arrival in glorious Tradition Florida you will move into your living quarters (don’t worry, they kicked the minor leaguers out last week and changed the locks!) and that’s when the fun begins!
Slowly but surely, you and your fellow campers will one by one go down with injuries of a wide variety.  Maybe you’ll get out of bed and stub your toe?  Perhaps you’ll slip on the suspiciously wet bathroom floor?  It could even be something weak as pulling a muscle while sneezing (Sosa Style!).  However it happens you will be getting injured within the first 72 hours. 
See Team Doctors, get misdiagnosed, you will even have the opportunity to give a press conference and tell the media that you will be back in two weeks when you know damn well your injury is season ending.  The fun don’t stop!  I mean really, what could be more fun than having your hip checked out by the same guy who worked on Delgado’s?
During the games which fantasy camps are known for, you will take the bench and be joined by none other than Jose Reyes who will show you the proper techniques to:  bouncing around the dugout like an idiot without aggravating your injury further, flipping souvenirs to kids behind the dugout, and perfecting that look that says “Oh man, I really wanna get back on that field, if I only got better medical advice”  Throw a bullpen session with Maine and then leave after 10 pitches with a touch of soreness.  You do it all!
This fantasy getaway ends with your dreams getting dashed as Jerry comes to inform the team you are too far back, too injured and that its time to start th inking of next year.  All participants will be given a gift bag with all the must-haves for a successful season such as: Official Mets Gauze, Ice Packs, crutches, oh yeah there’s a baseball in there too and of course what every Mets fan could use right about now, those pills the CIA uses to erase peoples’ minds because you know you don’t want to remember this.
So sign up now, space is limited, and hey look those Wilpons need the cash.  When the winter meetings come around don’t be surprised if the Mets can’t sign any free agents so pony up and contribute to the cause unless you’re satisfied with the product on the field now, then by all means enjoy your winter as you were.  The cost of this years camp will be $10,000, I know its twice as much as last years price but like I said, the Wilpons need your dough.  They accept cash (preferred), money order, or shady Ponzi scheme pitches (these guys never learn do they?)  No personal checks, please.
 
By the way, since no one bothered to introduce me yet, my name is Niles and I’ll be posting here.  Follow me.