Archive for September 2nd, 2009

Editor’s Note: This is the second in a series as OhMurph explores the anatomy of the New York Mets.

I am Mike’s tongue.

I am a muscular organ in the mouth. I assist with chewing, swallowing, and speech. I have thousand of tiny taste buds. Millions of bacteria live on my surface.

Being Mike Pelfrey’s tongue comes with higher expectations, the type associated with a high-priced number 1 draft pick. You need to be out front and on your game at all times.

Of course I could have never accomplished this without my wonderful relationship with Mike’s right hand. We decided along time ago that a public display of affection was the best way to show the world we are special. What better way to show you care than in front of 45,000 screaming fans.

It started all those many years ago when Mike’s Mom would give me a binkie to try and pacify me in the crib. Mike’s right hand would snatch the binkie out and fire it high and outside the crib and then snuggle himself next to me.

I hate to rehash bad memories, but I have to publicly complain about that nasty Rick Petersen. Forcing a mouth guard between Mike’s right hand and me, it was hell for us. Then that nice Mr. Wharthen came along and got rid of it.

For Mike’s right hand, its about the touch and feel, that’s why he’s always fondling me. For me its simpler, it’s all about the taste. You see, Mike has never washed his right hand. Why should he? He’s got me.

Just yesterday, Mike went 3-0 on a hitter and his right hand came to me for comfort. There between his index and middle finger was a little of the cinnabon that Mike had for breakfast. Then there was the Olive Loaf under his fingernail on the ring finger, and the shrimp scampi on the side of his pinkie.

Of course the best part of being a major leaguer’s tongue is the special tastes you develop that are only available to you. Yes, I’m talking about Lena Blackburne Baseball Rubbing Mud. The taste drives me wild, and every time I think Mike’s going to throw a foul ball you’ll see me fly out of his mouth in anticipation on the release. Mike’s right hand rubs up the new ball and gives me a taste, there really is nothing quite like it.

I look forward to new taste sensations and things that I can help keep clean. Mike’s thinking of getting a kitten for his new baby.

I am Mike’s tongue.

Bio:  Born: 12/20/1982 in Norfolk, VA  Bats/Throws: R/R    HT: 6‘0”   WT: 210 Debut: 7/21/2004  Source: MLB.com

Gender- Mushroom. Probably male.
Height- Small. Tiny. Gets walked over all the time.
Weight- Light. Can run like the wind.
Age-No clue. When you think about it, does it matter.
Status- Alive, working currently as the Royal Mushroom Retainer.
Number of Pepsi’s he can drink in a day-12 (2 liter bottles)   Source:  This loser’s website (you’re welcome for the free traffic kid)