Archive for January, 2010

He may be taking time away from Young Daniel Murphy, but at least we get more of this…….

The Amazin’s recently sent some team members to the New York Child Learning Institute in College Point, Queens to give some children living with autism a chance to mingle with their role models.  Both during the season and off-season, the Mets organization is actively involved with local school and community events as way of giving back, and this particular visit to a school was no different – except for one team member who was conspicuous by his absence.  Pedro Feliciano, Omir Santos, HoJo, and even Mr. Met boarded the bus that morning to visit this particular group of special needs children.  But Daniel Murphy was nowhere to be found.

“How can I say this without sounding offensive,” Murph wondered when reached for comment about declining the invite to participate.  “Spring training’s a month away, and the last thing I wanna do is contract the autism.”

The Jacksonville school system teaches its students that autism is a communicable condition given to children as punishment from God for parents who conceive a child in anything but the missionary position, the Official Position of the Church®. Murphy, a product of that school system, claims he is simply being cautious about his health as he looks to secure a starting job as the Mets’ 2010 first baseman.  “I give a lot of credit to Petey (Feliciano) and Omir and them for playing with those kids without one of them swine flu facemask thingies.  I can’t afford to mess around with that right now, not with C-Del swingin’ a hot stick in that Rican league.”

When informed that autism is really a non-contagious mental developmental disorder children are born with, Murphy scoffs.  “Alls I know is that in the ’50s, people thought we’d be in flying cars by now.  Science doesn’t have all the answers, but this book right here does.  I don’t remember on which page Jesus says you can’t have the butt sex, but I’m just glad that my mama and papa read it.”

*Thanks to Schnizzle of MetsFAIL.com for input into this post’s concept

Hello fans of the 2nd best website ever,

I wanted to bring your attention to Oh Murph’s very own Osse Jorosco’s new Mets site that highlights their wonderful history.  Osse will be working with Schnizzle and Nasty Nick, while occasionally helping out Oh Murph.

I will have a very limited role on Metsfail besides being the editor in chief and removing all the extra commas Nasty Nick puts his his MetsFail posts.

I will continue to man the ship here at Oh Murph by delegating all of my duties to @Koosman3669  and Niles Standish.

You can follow MetsFail on Twitter by clicking here.

So, check out MetsFail and remember…. You can look but you can’t touch.

OhMurph would like to recognize the Over-achieving over-eaters in the News:
 
Today, Chris Christie, the rotund policto from NJ gets sworn in as its next Governor. After the ceremony, Chris will host a gala event with plenty of Big Macs to go around for all.
 
Rex Ryan, the cheesy fries eating coach of the Jets, has shocked the NFL by advancing his team to the conference championship round. No Gatorade showers for Rex as the portly professor could easily chugalug the entire cooler contents in a New York minute.
 
The Jets Nick Mangold, the Center from Centerville, Ohio tips the scales at 305 on a light day, but using his naturally padded abdomen has been a key for the NFL’s best running game.
 
Charles Barkley, the former Round Mound of Rebound and current triple thick milk shake slurpin’ Basketball analyst has enjoyed a surge in popularity, recently hosting Saturday Night Live to great reviews while filling up every pixel of that 52 inch wide screen HD TV of yours.
 
The way to success for today’s man is through his stomach!
 
So where does this leave our 2010 New York Mets? Clearly, they are way too far on the skinny side of the street.
 
OhMurph calls for a different training approach for the Mets. Forget the weight lifting, treadmill running, stationary bike spinning workouts. Its time to join the current trend and belly up to the table and chow down!
 
Of course there is precedence in Mets history for this approach. Who can argue the success of the rib-making rib-eating master Rusty Staub? How about the clutch pitching of the Heavy Hawian, El Sid Fernandez?
 
How can you be a Heavy Hitter if you’re light as a feather? If hitting is about weight shift, how can you hit when you have no weight to shift?
 
With only a couple of months before the season starts, it may not be possible to put on the pounds with the current squad. Is there still time for Omar to deal for Prince Fielder or maybe Miguel Cabrera? Can he wrap up the Benjie Molina deal already?
 
Of course OhMurph hopes this inspires our own Young Daniel Murphy to go out and load up on those Hershey bars, Pork rinds, and Cheese Doodles.
 
Work Less, Eat more!