Archive for March, 2010

Where I grew up, we didn’t think it was polite to discuss politics, religion, or money. That didn’t stop your Democratic Uncle from calling your Republican cousin an idiot especially after they had a few pops from the blackberry brandy on a Sunday afternoon. But religion and money did kind of sit on the sidelines.

So what’s with today’s professional athlete?

Everybody knows how much money they make so that’s really not an issue; it’s been that way for a long time. Yet, you never really hear them chatting their bucks up.

What you do hear on a regular basis is the topic of religion, seemingly interjected on a haphazard basis, possibly in a way that was never intended by the respective religions?

The following interview conducted by Kid Carter with our own Young Daniel Murphy is a prime example.

Kid Carter: Daniel Murphy, it’s a pleasure meeting you again! Thanks for agreeing to talk with us.

Daniel Murphy: Give Thanks to the Father and may he bless you.

Kid Carter: Yeah, uh Murph, Wassup with the J-Fro Bro?

DM: Bless you for noticing. It brings me closer to his image.

Kid Carter: Wow, I feel like I answered my doorbell too quickly on a Saturday morning! OK, Well, listen it was great to see you working with Keith Hernandez a few weeks ago. How was it learning from the best?

DM: Keith is a nice guy and a Gold Glover, but the Lord is my Shepherd.

Kid Carter: Um, Murph, I’m a little uncomfortable with the religious statements. I think that your fans really just want to hear about baseball.

DM: Baseball is a gift from the Lord and I praise him for it. And unto my fans, do not follow me for I shall error (Ed. Note, especially in left field), follow ye the Lord.

Kid Carter: Whoa Murph! The biblical speak is really scaring me. Please one more time, just baseball?

DM: Sure, just kneel down here with me.

KC: OK, why are we doing this? Some type of bunting drill? I’m into that.

DM: Hold my hand…

KC: wait, what?

DM: Pray with me son.

KC: Murph, please!

DM: Oh Lord, exorcise the demons from the heathen Kid and deliver him from evil.

KC: Heathen? I’m Jewish!!!

DM: Lord, baptize this heathens soul…

KC: What are you doing? What are you pouring on me? THAT BURNS, stop!

DM: That’s holy water son, we’re almost done, repeat after me, The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

KC: OOOOOHHHHHMMMUUURRRPPPHHHH! I just wanted to ask you what you thought your batting average was going to be. You’re, You’re doing an exorcism on me!!!

DM: We’re done son, you’re going to be fine now.

KC: But wait, I, uh, oh…. Yes. Bless you Daniel.

[OhMurph denies any similarities to any characters in this post to any living, real people. OhMurph apologizes to all religions in advance, but really, we were just ripping off the exorcist a little at the end, so relax about that. OhMurph also apologizes to Metsblog for using the italic text in one of our posts]

I tell ya I don’t get no respect.

Last year everybody’s talkin’ Jose’s Hamstring this and Jose’s Hamstring that. There was even some B.S. on this site last year about it.

Then of course it’s Beltran’s knee, Johan’s elbow, David’s Cabeza but was a single gland even mentioned? Nada. I tell ya its just ponderous.

I hate to be sensitive like that, but you know I gotta say it’s a good feeling to get a little vengeance. The Vigil-anti Thyroid, got a nice ring to it.

So are you surprised that I gave Jose Hyperthyroidism? Are you kiddin’ me? The guy was already jumpin’ around like a kangaroo on crack, I knew nobody would even notice me kickin’ it up a notch.

I played it coy though. Showed up on one test, hid on the second. Gotta build the brand a little (heard about doin’ that on Metsblog), get some attention.

A little over secretion here and there and I got the doctor sayin’ Jose needs treatment. I push through another squirt directly into Jose’s brain and he’s sayin’ that he gotta stay away from high iodine pescado. Hahaha, I’m lovin’ this.

Of course I know that one treatment for this is to get Jose to drink some radioactive Iodine and that will be the death of me. But let me tell ya, I’ll still get revenge. Think kind thoughts about all those triples you used to see if that happens. I’ll have Jose runnin’ like Benjie Molina after a 3 hour binge at Olive Garden’s all-you-can eat pasta bowl.

But listen, I’m a Thyroid not a Hemorrhoid so I know when to back off. I just wanted a little attention, a little taste of the limelight, yes, a little respect.

I am Jose’s Thyroid.

That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

After today’s loss to the Florida Marlins a shocking discovery was made by the janitorial staff while cleaning the Mets locker room.  Head janitor Lou Trimin told us “I found a small box on the floor, I thought one of the players lost something, it could have been anything.  For example, it could have been Tobi Stoner’s weed or Jose Reyes’s HGH or it even could have been Oliver Perez’s lucky magical Mexican jumping beans.  So I picked up the box and when I opened it I got really scared so I called the reporters of OhMurph to investigate.”
 

 
    It appears to be a little blue box.  Nothing scary at all but when we opened the box we found this…
 

 
    A voodoo doll? Skulls & tombstones?   RIP Ike Davis?  #28 is GREAT?  Could Daniel Murphy be using “black magic” to get the starting first base position?  OhMurph reporters are already all over this shocking find.  We have already contacted Daniel Murphy for comment but his mother answered the phone and told us  “that her honey bunny angel face wasn’t home from his ballgame yet but if are able to talk to him first ask him how the ham & bologna sandwich she made him for lunch today was?”   

 To be continued……………………..

Francisco Rodriguez, still quarantined from teammates while battling a nasty case of conjunctivitis, is seen here keeping his arm in shape in a bullpen session.  K-Rod has yet to be seen this Spring without sunglasses, but OhMurph managed to capture this exclusive shot of him in action:

Dear Mets Fans,
 
 I am writing this letter to assure Mets fans that the Mets farm system is in excellent shape. After “mi mejor amigo” Tony Bernazard was fired many reporters who wanted jobs had lots of questions about the future of this team. After my amazing job of signing Jason Bay and wasting all the Wilpon money in one shot I had lots of time on my hands. I made an executive decision to be more active with the Mets farm in the off-season.

 I am happy to inform you that there are lots of wonderful things going on at the Mets farm. In the last few weeks I was able to raise a horse stable, and expand my chicken coop to hold 60 chickens!!! Honestly, I still like having loose chickens walking around the field, it makes me feel like I am back at home in Dominican Republic.

My country is so beautiful! Oh, I have also planted lots of limited edition flowers and trees which gives me extra XP points. I have acquired such great additions such as the Super Tractor, Seeder, and Harvester. With the use of Blue & Orange Hay Bales I have inspired team spirit.

In closing, I would like to remind everyone to buy their season ticket packages and fertilize my crops!!
 
Sincerely,
Omar Minaya

Dear Mr. OhMurph,
 
Well, I cannot believe that a year has gone by already.
 
I’m writing to you so that you can help me put the record straight. You seem like nice dudes and you tell some good stories and help to get the truth out.
 
It’s a year later, and I’m still getting grief about that whole injecting ARod stuff. I mean, just today I turn on the iPhone and click it on my Twitter feed and I’m seeing jokes about ARod’s cousin doin’ this and doin’ that. Always the punch line, I’m sick of it hombres.
 
I didn’t even know what he was talking about. You know Alex is so whitebread man, he says to me “Hey, Yuri, go down to the Dominican and get me some bola”.
 
I’m like, what does he want with more bola? He’s a beisbola player, he can all the bolas he wants, they’re on the ground, they give them away to the fans, they got buckets full of bolas. They can’t play the game without a bola.
 
So I say to him, “Like what you want man, a footbola? You got beisbolas already.”
 
He’s like, “Yuri, what’s with you? Did I say it wrong? Bola, boli? You know what I’m sayin’, get me some of those DR roids”.
 
So you know Alex gives me the coin for the the trip and I get some boli and hide it in my bag wrapped up in my dirty underwear in a cigar box. I come back to his place and say “Here it is man, your boli. Have Fun”.
 
He says “No Yuri, man, you can’t leave, you gotta inject that stuff for me”.
 
I’m ain’t no Doctor man, I thought you’re supposed to drink it or pour it on your Wheaties or somethin’, but he’s sittin’ there with a box of needles ready to go. So I say “OK, roll up your sleeve dude” and he’s like No man, you gotta shoot it into my butt cheek”
 
Well, like Michael G. Baron says, I don’t swing dat way man.  Last thing I want to do is look at that knarly butt. But you know he is my cousin, and he gets me tickets and stuff so I do it.
 
And you know, if it was up to me that would have been the last time. I mean, the way he said it, it was like I was chasing him around the room with a needle trying to get him to pull down his Brooks Brother’s chinos. That ain’t the way it happened.
 
I hope you guys can help me get this word out and tell the world that Yuri ain’t no bad dude.
 
Yours truly,
 
Yuri