When NASA scientist Buddy Harrelson heard those two high-pitched squeals from his nanophonic transmitter at approximately 1:31AM on Wednesday, he ended one of mankind’s deepest mysteries: there is now absolute proof of alien life. But that’s not the real surprise.

What truly shocked NASA’s engineers is the fact that our galactic companions appear to be single-mindedly obsessed with injured Mets utilityman Daniel Murphy. “Apparently, there is very little of what we would call speech on their planet” stated Rusty Stubb, a 30-year NASA veteran. “They communicate mostly using the baserunning signals used by the Oakland A’s of the early 1980s. They watched Rickey Henderson’s 130 steal season carefully.

These aliens know what they are doing.” When the aliens do “speak,” the language is deceptively simple. Language experts from MIT deduced that all of their noises are just variations on the name “Murph,” the nickname of Mr. Murphy.

 When scientists found lunar mounds on one of their planets’ five moons in the shape of Daniel Murphy’s face, it only confirmed what scientists guessed from their unique language: a race of creatures positively obsessed with Daniel Murphy.

What made this discovery not only scientifically important, but also hauntingly beautiful, is the fact that the only other known lifeform on their planet, the Bobbivee, emits a low, almost-indetectable “ohhh” sound. At night on the rocky crags of the yet-to-be-named planet, all that can be heard for lightyears is the sublime song that results: “ohhhhhmurrrrrphhhhhh” “ohhhhhhmurphhhhhh”

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