Archive for June, 2010

Alfio and Vinny  sat at the bar and the Mets game just started. Kid at the bar expected a good crowd both because the Mets were winning a little now and the plant across the street was shutting down an hour early. Kid got the Pledge out and gave the bar a good once over, the top twice, so nobody’s arm would get stuck in any beer dregs there.

Alfio and Vinny usually only came on the days when the plant shut down early. They didn’t tell the wives, thought they were getting away with something. Sneak over to Murph’s, catch a few innings of the Mets, drink a little Michelob, maybe a shot of Bushmills if they had a little overtime pay.

They were plant guys, worked just hard enough on the same jobs they had forever. Experts of a sort, knew things that they would show others if they had to, if they liked you. Vinny was kind of quiet, smoked about two Marlboro Cigarettes an hour, bad nerves though. Got upset too much these days, needed a little Valium once in awhile to take the edge off.

Alfio was a wacko, no other way to say it. Had the black and gray hair parted close to the ear on the side combed over the bald top. Sometimes he would be working something on the bench and tilt his head over to get a better view, and that hair flap would lift right off his head. Vinny called him the Alfio patch kid then, like the dolls.

Alfio would say anything to crack himself up, he’d laugh like a hyena. Loved to make fun of the guys in the office that used to come out to tell him how to do his job. His favorite target these days was Lenny. “Lenny, you walk like a fricken’ Marionette, fagodssakes! Like a 90 year old woman!”

Kid put two more beers down in front of them after the bottom of the first, Reyes double, the kid Davis with a two out single getting him in. Burkhardt interviewing Mets top draft pick in the stands that night. The bar door opened and in walked Lenny.

Lenny saw Alfio there, and Alfio saw him. Naturally Lenny wanted to turn around and leave, but he thought that would make it worse for him in the long run. Alfio, was already starting to giggle, so Lenny did the right thing and sent two more beers over to Alfio and Vinny.

That calmed them down for awhile, got them off his back. Lenny’s wife, she just left. He came home from work one day with good news; he just got promoted. All those extra hours were finally paying off. He wanted to tell her, take her out to dinner. Instead he came home and found the note. I’m not coming back, it said. Don’t try to call me. It’s over. All he had left from her was the watch.

She gave him that Movado, the one he liked so much from Macy’s, for his 25th birthday.  He wore it all the time then, when they were happy. Now he couldn’t check the time anymore without getting his guts in a knot.

Vinny had a soft spot for Lenny, although he would usually laugh his ass off at Alfio’s Lenny jokes. He appreciated the beer, and thought maybe he could get Lenny to buy a few more. “Hey Lenny, you know any Lennys that played for the Mets?”

“Yeah, Dykstra, of course” Lenny replied.

“Sure that’s what he’s gonna say, always think about the winners” Alfio answered, “I bet you never heard of Lenny Randle, did ya?

“No, who’s Lenny Randle?”

“Gotta know your Mets history. Lenny Randle played for the Texas Rangers, actually I think he was on the Washington Senators before they moved to Texas. He punched out his manager there, Frank Luchesse, gumba used to manage the Phillies. Then got traded to the Mets.

Don’t remember if the story ever came out why he punched him, Luchesse ended up suing Randle over it, fractured his cheekbone or something. Anyway, he was on the Mets during the Torre years, late ’70′s. Had a good year or two, then wore out his welcome, Mets cut him in spring training one year. Then bounced around, remember seeing one time he was playing third and tried to blow a roller foul, got down on his hands and knees and starts blowing on the ball, funniest scene ever.
But that’s baseball. Get a guy on the team that’s maybe got a little flair to him, does well, then maybe rubs other’s the wrong way, they get rid of him. Cut they’re losses and move on. Forget the past. Mets will probably eat Ollie’s salary soon enough and do the same thing.”

Lenny, got up, finished his beer, went to the bar and asked Kid to give Vinny a Bushmills. Alfio, turned and looked and said “hey, what about me, fricken’ Marionette?”

Lenny, unhinged the alligator wristband on the Movado and handed it to Alfio, “here, this is for you.”

He turned and left just before Big Pelf got another double play ball to end the inning.

So the other day after Murph’s diagnosis Kid forwards me the following email: 
 
“Hey guys,
 
I love your website.  It had me laughing so many times last year, a year in which there was very little to laugh about — when it came to Mets baseball anyway.  So thanks for your sardonic wit and amusing posts.  I am a huge Murphy fan, and today, I’m devastated for him.  That clip they showed on SNY was heartbreaking.  Just wondering how you guys were taking the news because — truthfully, I don’t know anyone else who might care.
 
Thanks!
 
Erin”
 
First Erin, thanks for writing to us and expressing your concern for us. I must admit that I had to look up the definition of sardonic (Kid told me it had something to do with Sardines, he was wrong). You seemed to be the only one who cared until I started to think about it and remembered that someone once told me that if one person writes about it there are a hundred people who thought about writing about it and another hundred who thought about it but didn’t know how to write and so on.
 
Anyway we were devastated about the Murph news. Here we were getting all these great reports on how he was hitting and getting to try new positions, and with Castillo looking a little like Fred Sanford we thought, hey maybe Murph comes back and plays second and it’s a great story.
 
Not to be. We keep the vigil hoping for Murph to make a full recovery.
 
As for us, it’s another story.
 
I was severely affected with a bad case of writer’s block and was unable to write more than 140 characters at one time.
 
Kid Carter joined a gym, lost 31 pounds and became an aerobics instructor.
 
Osse Jurosco joined the Peace Corp and is currently in Zimbabwe ministering to the sick and infirmed. He handles special cases of knee injuries, such as the one’s Murph endured.
 
Niles Standish joined the Merchant Marines and took passage on a ship to New Zealand. Kid waits by the shore for hours looking for a message in a bottle.
 
Rhianna Church left several weeks ago to assist in cleaning the waterfowl of the gulf. She wrote recently to say she bathed over 80 Pelicans so far.
 
So here I am by myself again in the middle of the season still believing that others will pick up the slack.
 
I really got nothing more than that.
 
Oh, hey, did you see this picture of Rex Ryan throwing out the first pitch?

Did they put the lap band around his colon?