Archive for July, 2010

NEW YORK – Hisanori Takahashi was riding high when he left the field with 10 strikeouts on Saturday night.  After an overly bromantic man-hug from Jerry, Takahashi settled into his usual spot on the bench.  Despite the fact that in less time then it takes to warm your Saki, the Mets bullpen had blown the lead, Takahasi was still in good spirits.  That is, until he got the parking lot.

The problems started when he got to his Honda Odyssey minivan and opened the door with the gusto of 1,000 Samurai Warriors.  Only problem is he flung that door squarely into the passenger side mirror of Angel Pagans brand new Dodge Challenger knocking it off.  Unsure of what to do next, Takahashi tried to kick the mirror away, I say tried because he accidently kicked the mirror right in the direction of Jeff Wilpon’s Rolls Royce Phantom, breaking his taillight.

Now Wilpon’s not the type of guy to drive his own Rolls, so his driver got out to see what all the commotion was about.  Takahashi has had his issues in the parking lot before, in the same way that a quarterback buys his offensive line Rolexes after a good season, Takahashi has been known to give his fellow players a can of touch up paint when they come up clutch for him when he’s on the bump.  There was no way Takahashi was sticking around to exchange insurance information with Wilpon’s driver.

Jumping into the minivan he backed up in a manner he is quite accustomed to, very quickly without using his rearview mirror.  When all was said and done, it was not Pagan or Wilpon who caught the brunt of the strikeout throwing vehicular hell raiser, it was poor David Wright.  While backing up, Takahashi smashed into Wrights new Silver Lincoln MKS taking off the bumper.

Looks like Davids going to need a new Lincoln

Amare Stoudemire decided now would be a great time to tell the world he’s Jewish!  I don’t really know care how this came to pass but let’s explore some of the benefits the newly minted Knick/Hebrew will have when he touches down from his pilgrimage to the Holy Land and returns to his new home in the Kosher Friendly confines of the Big City.
 
Amare would have had no problem getting a table at any of NYC’s finest restaurants before, but now he has opened himself up to a whole new world of salty, cholesterol laden intake with the Kosher Deli!  The deli community is abuzz and the big question is: Who will seat Amare first?  Will he go with the big name style of Bens on W38th St?  Or will he take his business to the 2nd Ave Deli?  The crowd over there is loyal and the corned beef will make you plotz!

 
On the attire front, Amare has options for wardrobe both on and off the court.  Our inside sources revealed that the Knicks are in talks with a number of Lower East Side tailors to make some alterations for their new Power Forward’s warm up gear. One team official was quoted saying:
“His warm up will include a break-away Tallit  (traditional Jewish prayer shawl)”  “We’re working with the same guy who does the uniforms for the Yeshiva Flatbush Falcons“  What could be better then a seamless transition from getting your pray on to getting your play on?
 
Amare already has the hook up for fitted caps but he is going to be very interested in getting himself in good with another type of hat merchant, The Black Hat Crew.  The Hat Warehouse in Borough Park is already taking orders on Orthodox style black hats emblazoned with Amare’s number on the side and a stylish new version is in the works swapping the traditional black for Knicks colors of Blue and Orange.
 
We couldn’t talk head gear without talking about the quintessential Jewish accessory, the yarmulke.  While it’s unclear if Amare will be wearing one while he plays, it most definitely hasn’t been ruled out.  I mean so many players wear those damned headbands and it’s basically the same thing just shaped a little different.  Also, Amare looks to break new ground on the endorsement front when he becomes the first professional athlete to promote his own line of bobby pins.
 
Amare’s Mother has been pretty silent on the whole matter but was recently overheard saying she hopes he meets a nice girl in Israel and settles down when he comes home to prepare for the upcoming season, oh and she wishes he’d call more.  While she is very pleased with the new contract he signed she can’t seem to shake the notion that the Team Doctor’s Mother really has something to brag about.

Kid opened the box and unpacked the beer glasses that the beer distributor’s rep dropped off that morning. Just in time, damn college kids coming in, ordering one beer and stealing the glass, sticking it under their sweatshirts, wise asses.

He placed them carefully in the sink, and sprayed them with the hot water until you could see the steam rising. No soap in the beer glasses, killed the head. He took a clean towel and dried them, holding each to the light to get rid of the spots.

Kid was just turning over the last glass before putting it on the shelf when Walt walked in at his customary time. “I’ll take that one, filled with Michelob, of course.”

“Walt, how’s it going?” and before Walt could answer “oh, hey, did you hear about Steinbrenner? Had the big one, checked out this morning, 80 years old.”

“Yeah, I heard” said Walt as he looked out the window. “Did I ever tell you I almost sat in his box at Yankee Stadium, the house that John Lindsay rebuilt?”

“Walt, you’re a Mets fan, what were you doing at a Yankee’s game, let alone in Steinbrenner’s seat?”

“You’re right Kid, I am a Mets fan, but I’m a baseball fan too. I had a few buddies that I worked with over in Jersey before I started here at the plant. They liked the Yankees, we’d go to the games once, twice a year.

Then I came here to work at the plant and they call me up one day. ‘Hey Walt’ they say ‘now that you’re working over in New York, think you could pick up some tickets for us?’

I didn’t really know where to get tickets, so I figured I’d go ask Carlo, the shop supervisor at the time. Friendly guy, I helped him out with a problem once, no big deal, after that he was always looking out for me. Oh, and at the time, he was also the mayor of the town he lived in.

So I say ‘Carlo, where can I get some Yankee tickets around here?’

‘You want Tickets Walt? I’ll get you tickets. Gimme a day or two.’

So this is the late ’80′s. The Yankees weren’t doing that great. But they had some interesting players, Mattingly, Winfield, Jack Clark. Can’t remember who was managing then, Dent, Pinella, not sure. Steinbrenner’s revolving door, different manager every 3 months, or less. It was kind of pathetic to watch a raging egomaniac in action.

Anyway, my phone rings the next day and it’s Carlo. ‘Walt, can you come to my office?’ I go over and there’s this guy standing there in a Yankees shirt. Now today, everybody’s got team shirts. Then – nobody had them. So Carlo says, ‘this is Sal, he works for the Yankees, tell him what you’re looking for’.

Let me tell you, this guy looked nervous as hell. Carlo must of had something on him.

I’m looking for some seats for the Yankee game next Thursday, I tell him. Right away he shoots back, ‘I can get you Mr. Steinbrenner’s box, next to the dugout, two seats’

I was semi-shocked, of course, when I blurted out, ‘but I need four tickets’

So Sal says ‘ok, ok, let me se what I can do’ I’m still not totally catching on and I say ‘how much?’ Sal, looks at me, then at Carlo, and says ‘don’t worry about it’ Carlo sitting there, smiling the whole time.

The next day Carlo walks in and hands me an envelope with four tickets. ‘Here you go Walt, enjoy the game’ and he leaves.

Kid refilled Walt’s glass “Yeah, so, where were the seats?”

“Four rows behind home plate, next to the guy with the radar gun. Best seats I ever had”

Kid shook his head. “So who was this Sal guy? What did Carlo have on him?”

Walt took a sip of his beer, “Kid, there’s just some questions that are best left unanswered. Never saw him again, never asked for tickets again. He worked for the Yankees for sure. Like I said, don’t know if he was nervous because of what Carlo had on him, or because of his fear of Boss Steinbrenner. All the stories back then was he was ruthless, fire anybody, everybody if they looked at him the wrong way. Then later on you hear how he helped this poor guy out or that one. That’s a rich guy for ya, gets up in age and figures he’s gotta start buying his way into heaven. Nice of him to bring back all those old Mets in the ’90′s though. I actually enjoyed that.”

“I guess you’re right Walt. Here’s another beer, on the house”

“Well, thanks Kid. What’s the occasion?”

“Oh, nothing. Just trying to buy back my way to heaven”

“You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.” Rod Serling, The Twilight Zone.

Witness Young Daniel Murphy, a man perplexed by a game where he has no position. A man whose body has betrayed him. A man unable to play the game he loves.

“Oh baseball Gods, Why? Why Me?” cried Young Daniel with no answer until the day it arrived.

He opened the brown cardboard box slowly, he could hear something rattling inside, it was poorly packed.

On top of a few crumpled newspapers, he saw a folded note.

Dear Murph,

Hey son, I’m sorry about everything that happened this year. You know, I really was goin’ to have you be my first baseman this year, even though you were hittin’ like .186 down in Florida. Yeah, we sent Ike back down then even though he had about 6 homers.

Then you hurt your knee. Dang, and I was goin’ to take you out the inning before.

Oh well, when you got better, I was goin’ to play you at second what with Luis runnin’ around like a one legged Chicken. Then you hurt your knee, again. You might of seen we called up Tejada and he’s doin’ pretty good.

Well I did hear that Dillion Gee tried to stick one in the ear of that fool that took you out on that slide. Too bad, son, too bad.

Hey, was cleaning out the basement and I found this, thought you could use it. Razor reloaded it for you, just add water and fire.  Enjoy son, it’ll make the time pass until you’re ready to try another position. We could use some more relief pitchers, I think I might have blown Nieve out.

Peace,

Jerry

Young Daniel pulled the contraption from the box. An assembly of pipes and tubes and a bowl or jar of some sort. “Oh! Wait, I’ve seen this on an episode of the Amazing Race when they were in India” thought Daniel. “It’s a water pipe. Jerry wants me to smoke? Well, I heard it’s relaxing, I guess I could try it once”

“Funny lookin’ tobacco” thought Daniel as he unrolled the plastic bag at the bottom of the box.

Daniel started to smoke and cough and then relax. Relax, like never before. He thought, “I can hardly remember that my knee hurts” then he stood up and tried to run a few steps and collapsed in a heap.

“Why, Baseball Gods, why?”

Suddenly a vision appeared, not quite human, not quite baseball, it’s, it’s Mr. Met!

“Mr. Met, what are you doing here?”

“Daniel, I’m not Mr. Met, I’m the baseball God” said the orb headed vision.

“Baseball God, you’re the Baseball God? why did you never answer me?”

“Ah, but I DID answer you. Last year you asked ‘why us Baseball God, why is everybody on the team hurt? I did it for you, Daniel, so you could play”

“But why did you do this to me this year?” asked Daniel.

“What, you think you’re the only one who prays to the Baseball God? Please, give me a break. At least your team is happy. Hey, did you see what I arranged for Utley? Nice, Huh? Muhahahahahaha!!!”

Young Daniel fell asleep, in another dimension.