Archive for August, 2010

Bailiff: “All Rise. The Court for Crimes against Baseball is now in Session. Honorable Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis presiding”

Judge Landis: “Be Seated. Bailiff, first case on the Docket?”

Bailiff: “The Fans of Baseball v. Omar Teodoro Antonio Minaya y Sanchez”

Judge Landis: “Bailiff, what are the Charges?”

Bailiff: “Multiple Counts of High Crimes and Misdemeanors against the game of Baseball. The charges are from Texas, Montreal, and New York”

Judge Landis: “Would the defendant please rise? Bailiff, please read the charges into the record”

Bailiff: “While with the Texas Rangers, Mr. Minaya, the Defendant, was responsible for the signing of Juan Gonzalez and Sammy Sosa. ‘Juan Gone’ and Sosa allegedly played a big role in ushering in the steroid era in Baseball.

Upon his departure from Texas, The defendant became an accomplice of one Steve Phillips, a known philanderer, responsible for dismantling the Mets of the late 1990′s through neglect.

The Defendant then moved on to Montreal Canada, where he proceeded to single handedly dismantle the future of the now Washington Nationals by trading Cliff Lee, Grady Sizemore, Brandon Phillips and Lee Stevens to the Cleveland Indians for Bartolo Colón, a ‘rental player’, while three of the former Expos went on to become Allstars. Mr. Colon proceeded to eat his way out of baseball and now is Rex Ryan’s stunt double on “Hard Knocks”.

Having escaped the Canadian border patrol, the Defendant ended up in New York, where he began a period of haphazardly acquiring future criminals such as Ambiorix Burgos and Francisco Rodriquez.

The Defendent is also accused of systematically diverting millions of dollars of New York Mets Fans money through the misguided signings of Luis Castillo and Oliver Perez. Charges are also pending for the signing of Jason Bay, although, at this time, the Grand Jury is still out.

Judge Landis: “Mr. Minaya, I have reviewed the evidence for each of these charges and have determined that you are guilty of each one. Your sentence will be announced at the conclusion of the 2010 baseball season. At this time you may address the court if you would like to do so.”

Omar Minaya: “Yes sir, Judge, uh, your honor. Where’s the camera? Oh, over here. Yes, your honor, I’ve got something to say, you know what I’m saying’?

While some of what that Bailiff guy said was partially true, and I got nobody to blame for that except myself, and maybe Tony Bernazard, and yes, maybe even Adam Rubin, I should point out what I feel, have been some of the good I’ve done for these teams that you mention here today.

I mean, yeah, that was a bad trade in Montreal, but you know, who even knew what an Expo was at the time. I was working for a team named after a Fair in Canada, you know what I’m saying’? I put them on the map, ’cause, let’s face it, you look at a map of the United States and you don’t see Montreal, you know what I’m sayin’?

And down there in Texas, you know I didn’t tell Juan Gone to use the juice. I mean yeah, so one year he had like 180 RBI, and this year it’s gonna take a miracle for most guys to get 100, but you know he got some people to go to the games down there. Most nights they had more Mosquitos than fans down there so it was good.

So you know everybody wants to ask me about New York and what happened. I mean we had a competitive team for awhile 2006, even 2007 when Willie starting spacing out on me at the end, and 2008 when everybody loved Jerry.

But the biggest crime, I’m going to confess to is the building of CitiField. You know, Mr. Wilpon, Fred, I love that old guy. You know he’s big buddies with Sandy Koufax and every year he has him go down to St. Lucie and try to teach Ollie how to pitch, you know that Lefty thing. All he wanted was to have a team that could pitch.

Let’s face it, my track record on getting a team some pitching depth without giving up the farm ain’t too good. One time I score with Santana, and nobody wants to trade with me anymore. So it’s that endless stream of Jose Lima’s, God rest his soul, and Geremi Gonzalez, uh, Geremi Gone for short and for real, and that bald Gringo with the funny beard, Tim somebody, so, you know, I got no luck there. If they weren’t already here and in the system, fuhgettaboutit.

So here’s what I did, when they were laying out the field, I snuck in one night and take all their tape measures you know, from those Union Carpenters, I mean they just leave their tools laying around. I substitute some tape measures I picked up down in China town from Mr. Hoo’s Tools and Dumplings that measure about 1 foot 1 inch for every foot and before you know it those fences are pushed back and our pitchers are looking good. Our hitter’s hate it, but Mr. Wilpon’s a happy man, you know what I’m sayin’? I did it for Fred.”

Judge Landis: “Hold the defendant in custody until sentencing. Court adjourned”

Incase you haven’t heard, young Daniel Murphy is working on his 2nd base skills down at Port St Lucie in hopes for a triumphant return in 2011.  While many of the usual suspects, such as Mets personnel and fans have voiced their support for Murph on the comeback trail he also received words on encouragement from someone quite unexpected, actress/substance enthusiast Lindsay Lohan.

Lohan, who reportedly has been progressing so well in rehab reached out to Murphy through the press.  “I really admire him.  I mean I’ve only been in rehab a few days and this guy is always rehabbing. Such a strong spirit” “We have much in common, we’re both young, talented and trying to get our minds and careers right, its a tough road but I understand what he’s going through” She went on to say.

It turns out the rehab Murph is going through is not so far off from what Lohan is undergoing, a Mets St. Lucie coach who asked to remain anonymous said. “Murph is gonna have temptations when he gets back to playing in games.  His rehab is as much mental as it is about the injury” He then detailed a harrowing night when Murph first came to St. Lucie:

“He walked into the clubhouse, and we gave him his 2nd baseman’s mitt. He then looked on the table, saw a 1st basemans mitt and freaked.  I grabbed the 1st baseman’s mitt and said “NO” I even put Ikes # on it as a deterrent but he was belligerent. Things really flew off the hinges when he grabbed an outfielders mitt.  Again I took it back. I thought the ordeal was over. Wrong.  Midnite someone wakes me with a phone call.  Murph is down on the practice field they tell me.  He’s lost it.  I get to the field and there’s Murph.  Wearing nothing but a spikes, socks, a jock and ball cap.  With a #29 on his back written in infield clay.  He’s moving on 1st base as if he’s taking grounders from a batter that isn’t there. Poorly.  We chased him around the infield until he collapsed in a heap just behind the pitchers mound.  Do I think he can do it? Sure but it won’t be easy. Just like that Lohan girl is gonna one day be somewhere and see a pile of drugs and have to control herself Murph is gonna have to learn how to handle seeing someone else but on a 1st basemans or outfielders mitt in the clubhouse.  I understand why the kid might be confused, he’s been through more gloves then a proctologist.”

As far as this unlikely pair uniting goes its still a possibility.  However Murph made it seem like a very slight possibility when he said “I’m flattered by her support.  I mean, ‘Georgia Rules’ is one of my favorite movies ever.  I support her as well in everything she does.  But she’s from Long Island right? Not my type of girl” We went on to inform Murph that another thing they share is Irish heritage.  “Even still, an Irish girl from Long Island is way too Jewish for me” Murph replied.

Friday nights game held a special place in my heart. Not because of the Mets stellar performance but because this was the second installment of the Mets Kid-Caster Finalist. Now I’m not trying to sound like I have some sick fetish that involves children doing the play-by-play for baseball game, I like the the competition because it is on the heels of last years winner, Kyle Singh and his unique style where I launched my Oh-Murph career.

I’m not gonna sit here and dissect the call made by this years finalist. She was an 11th grader and in all honesty to compare her and Kyle is like comparing apples and helicopters. I will however say that it was very cool that she got to do the homerun call she had told Gary, Keith and Ronnie about when she first came into the booth. My purpose today is to go to bat for Kyle because Gary Keith and Ronnie all chimed in to rip him, and no one talks about my panini loving pal like that.

If you need a reminder, Kyles signature call was the “Sandwedge” He explained that what the pitcher is trying to do is make a “Sandwedge” by getting three strikes. Each strike is another piece, the first strike is the bottom bun of the “Sandwedge” and each other strike is another piece.

After calling Angel Pagans at bat, the trio of “Sandwedge” slandering slimeballs rejoiced, almost in a great sense of relief that the young lady in the booth had not made any references to bread and lunch meats. “No hero or hoagie mentions this year” Gary said.

The nerve of them! If anything I would think they would welcome the revival of the “Sandwedge” call. Kyle Singh broke the mold when it came to stepping into the booth and doing your own thing. He used you guys. Won your contest. Went into your booth and rewrote your rules. Kyle doesn’t need you anymore, talk all you want. “Its the haters that keep me going” Kyle was quoted saying. “They don’t wanna see me succeed, but I’m still chomping on this sandwich we call life, and I ordered mine stacked higher then the Jackie Robinson Rotunda” Good attitude Kyle, take the high road.

I won’t be so kind. I say to the SNY broadcast team, don’t be so negative guys! Embrace your inner Kyle Singh, nurture the little guy, make him a “Sandwedge” if he wants. Come on Howie, we’ve all heard you say “Put it in the books” but next win, let your Singh free. Why not try “Put it in in the oven” or “Put it in the overhead compartment” Your old call is like mayo, but if you free your Singh you could be Miracle Whip.