Archive for June, 2012
Hey, you there! Uncle Sol here! I can’t believe the season is almost halfway done. Some players that make their living on the pitchers mound are like me without certain medication, underperforming! Well, I think I might have an answer for these pitchers. Stop Worrying! Your Uncle Sol can help!
RA Dickey was on a roll last year. Even though I prefer marble rye, I still have standards! Once he climbed that mountain though, Kilimanjaro whatever he’s been on another level. One that hasn’t been seen since Manny and I stopped at Mohegan Sun two years ago and I caught a hot hand at the craps table. I then caught something else after we ate at the buffet. Anyway, I Sol will take you, the underperforming or just plain untalented pitcher to the top of that very same mountain! That’s right YOU channel your INNER DICKEY at the summit with Uncle Sol!
I’m offering two packages:
All-Star Weekend Trip “The Quickey Dickey”
Get on track for the second half of this season! You obviously didn’t make the All-Star team if you’re considering this so don’t even act like you have something better to do. Instead of sitting around in your hellhole of a hometown with your pathetic high school friends getting drunk and telling them you’re ”Still the man even though you suck right now” take this trip and maybe come back throwing a knuckler. Who knows, you might even get a big contract and buy new friends. You’ll never have to talk to those losers again!
Off-Season Excursion ”The Extended Dickey Experience”
Not concerned so much with this season? Looking towards the future? Pitch for the Padres? Well I think option two is for you. It’s extended so you’ll need to allot 3-8 weeks for this trip. We’ll retrace Dickey’s steps exactly as he took them. At least you will, I’ll be on Segway the entire trip. Raul has a cousin in Tanzania you’ll be with him once the terrain gets too rough. Stop worrying! I’m brining my off-road tires! Anyway, on this trip we’ll have group sing-alongs by campfire, name your favorite Dickey moment, and so much more that we won’t be able to get to on the All-Star trip. Stop worrying, you’ll love it!
Book now space is limited. All trips include guidance from me, Uncle Sol, to the top of the mountain. Transportation, meals, lodging, protection, water, or anything else is NOT included in the price of the trip. Price still undermined however will be a multiple of 28. Cash and Murphster-Card are the only accepted forms of payment.
Uncle Sol Tourism is not responsible for any freaky third world fate that might befell you. This is included but not limited to kidnapping, forced labor, and limited Cohiba availiability. Stop Worrying, you’ve been warned!
I was debating whether to even post anything regarding this topic, because last time I did Murph went into the current tailspin he broke out of yesterday.
But hey, it’s Oh Murph and we’d be fools if we didn’t mention Murph and the offensive show he put on yesterday at Wrigley. Not only did he give you one, but Murph went Double-Mint on the North Side when he doubled his pleasure and ended his homerless streak with two.
We couldn’t be prouder of him here at OMDC. I know the Murph you saw at the plate yesterday is a much more accuarate picture of him as a batter than what he’d been contributing the past few weeks. Here’s to hoping the magic continues in LA.
**Note from Niles: This post was sent in by our good pal and Murph enthusiast, Josh. We hope you enjoy!
In the latest surprise twist in a whirlwind season for the New York Mets, sources are now confirming that first baseman Daniel Murphy has grown a mustache. The fully grown stache was first noticed during the Amazins’ matchup with the crosstown rival Yankees, and for many long-time Mets fans at the game, the stache was hard to grasp, both literally and metaphorically.
“When I first saw it from the stands, I thought it had to be some sort of mirage. Like the holy grail, Big Foot, or a Frenchman with great physical courage, I’d heard legends of its existence but didn’t think I’d ever get to see it in real life,” said long-time Mets fan Ian Wallach.
Bob Slaw, Roslyn Heights, age 30, watched the game on his iPhone and also was in disbelief. “Since the invention of the iPhone, I’ve been able to fulfill my dream of watching a full season on the shitter, ” said Slaw. “So when I saw that horizontal landing strip, I didn’t almost shit myself – I just shit. At that moment, I knew that the legend that my father told me, and of which his father spoke, and his father before him, was true. Murphy had a stache.”
Late Friday night, sources informed CNN that German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French Prime Minister Francois Hollande were already preparing to travel to New York to celebrate the new mustache. A spokesperson for the German Foreign Ministry stated, “The German people have a long history with bad mustaches. Yet we firmly believe that Europe can unite behind a stache of this length and magnificence.”
Not everyone is impressed with the stache, however. “He looks like a perverted Zorro,” stated Daniel Murphy’s mother, Lorna Murphy.
Many fans believe that the stache is modeled after that of Mets fan favorite Howard Johnson. “At approximately 1mm thick, it’s on the shorter range of your traditional modern-day stache, ” stated NYU’s Director of Mustache Studies, Serge Lefnek. “We haven’t seen this kind of facial groundskeeping since HoJo. It is rare for a rookie stacher to maintain such a beautiful, closely cropped Lip Lawn, but it appears that Murphy has surprised us once again.”
It’s been a few days since history was made and like Mets fans everywhere, the Oh Murph crew was elated. In fact, Osse and Bally were in the house for the monumental game!
Here’s the difference between us and everyone else though, we believe Murph had a crucial role in preserving the no-no and I’m going to tell you why.
Try and follow me here. It’s inning number eight and there’s two outs, Beltran at the dish. You know the play I’m talking about, you’ve dissected this game every which way. Why do you think I gave you five days? Anyway, Murph made that play knowing it was high risk BUT also knowing the Quintanilla was positioning to take it on a hop. If he does, there’s a good possibility Beltran beats it out. However, there’s always the chance that if Murph blows the play they’ll score it a hit.
Murph weighed the risk of all those intersecting factors and said to himself, Number 57, and every Mets fan that every walked the Earth “I’ve got this” and executed the play with precision. Not bad for a guy who gets raked for his defense.
So there you have it, No Murph, No No-Hitter. If you’re a Quintanilla fan and think I’m way off, please visit our sister site OhMar.com I’m just kidding we don’t have a sister.
Sol here, you, where? Oh there!
Remember me? I was big stuff on Twitter for a while. I had what?, like 40 regular customers. What?, oh, followers I mean.
Well, I gave that all up, but don't worry, I'm still looking out for your interests, so Stop Worrying!
Listen bubbalas, that phsyco Mayor has decided you're all too fat, and that's why lower Manhattan is so crowded: you're all taking up the space of at least two normal sized people. Why is that? The Mayor says you drink too much soda. Me, I like a Dr. Brown's Celray once in a while. It gives me a good greps. Or maybe some 2 cents plain, or an egg cream.
But you people with your Coke and Pepsi, Mountain Dews, chuggalugin' it like there's no tomorrow, what are you gonna do? 16 ounces? That's not close to enough to wash down four slices of pizza or that Wendy's triple baconator.
Stop Worrying again!
We're here to help. How? The oh Murph Cup! How big is it? Why 28 ounces of course!
How do we do it? A specially designed extension that gets you right in the game.
But Sol, you ask, is it sanitary? Relax! It's not game used (despite my nephew's urgings) it's made from the finest plastic materials available in the south east section of China.
The price? $28 of course! Use your Murphster card and drink up!