**Note from Niles: This post was sent in by our good pal and Murph enthusiast, Josh. We hope you enjoy!
In the latest surprise twist in a whirlwind season for the New York Mets, sources are now confirming that first baseman Daniel Murphy has grown a mustache. The fully grown stache was first noticed during the Amazins’ matchup with the crosstown rival Yankees, and for many long-time Mets fans at the game, the stache was hard to grasp, both literally and metaphorically.
“When I first saw it from the stands, I thought it had to be some sort of mirage. Like the holy grail, Big Foot, or a Frenchman with great physical courage, I’d heard legends of its existence but didn’t think I’d ever get to see it in real life,” said long-time Mets fan Ian Wallach.
Bob Slaw, Roslyn Heights, age 30, watched the game on his iPhone and also was in disbelief. “Since the invention of the iPhone, I’ve been able to fulfill my dream of watching a full season on the shitter, ” said Slaw. “So when I saw that horizontal landing strip, I didn’t almost shit myself – I just shit. At that moment, I knew that the legend that my father told me, and of which his father spoke, and his father before him, was true. Murphy had a stache.”
Late Friday night, sources informed CNN that German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French Prime Minister Francois Hollande were already preparing to travel to New York to celebrate the new mustache. A spokesperson for the German Foreign Ministry stated, “The German people have a long history with bad mustaches. Yet we firmly believe that Europe can unite behind a stache of this length and magnificence.”
Not everyone is impressed with the stache, however. “He looks like a perverted Zorro,” stated Daniel Murphy’s mother, Lorna Murphy.
Many fans believe that the stache is modeled after that of Mets fan favorite Howard Johnson. “At approximately 1mm thick, it’s on the shorter range of your traditional modern-day stache, ” stated NYU’s Director of Mustache Studies, Serge Lefnek. “We haven’t seen this kind of facial groundskeeping since HoJo. It is rare for a rookie stacher to maintain such a beautiful, closely cropped Lip Lawn, but it appears that Murphy has surprised us once again.”