Sandy, John, Murph, and Uncle Sol enter a small conference room off the GM’s office at CitiField.
Uncle Sol: A little cramped in here Sandy, how about putting on the lights so we can see what we’re doing?
Sandy: The “light” is on. Got a heck of a deal in 2010 on a case of CFL bulbs that the Giants threw in on the Angel Pagan deal. They are the equivalent of 40 watts, don’t worry your eyes will adjust.
Uncle Sol: OK, Sandy, if you say so. Guess that explains why Murph was looking a little green to me. That and his shivering had me worried.
Sandy: He’ll be fine. We keep the offices at a constant 58 degrees during the winter. John, get Murph one of my spare fleece vests from the closet. Sol, would you like one?
US: Sandy don’t worry about me, I don’t leave the condo this time of year without the mink.
S: OK, so lets get down to business. First I’ll re-cap our off season so far.
After much deliberation, we decided to offer Murph the Qualifying Offer, with great confidence that he wouldn’t accept. I’ve got to admit you had us going there for a while on Friday. We thought we needed our award winning retail department to kick it up a notch, but then you turned us down as we had hoped.
As you know we spent some cash re-signing Terry. He doesn’t need much money since he lives in the clubhouse in St. Lucie during the Winter. So that worked out.
We met with Zobrist and his people, not to sign him of course, but to gauge the second base market. Now we’re prepared to make you a legitimate offer, just as you read the other day on Metsdaddy.com.
US: Sandy, we are here to listen. Whatta ya got?
S: Here it is, I know we are asking for a slight home town discount, but we think this is very fair. 3 years, $8 million per. Sol, are you OK? What do you say?
US: Give me a second, I think I just swallowed the end of my Cohiba that I just bit off. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? No way we go for that.
S: Listen Sol, hear me out, this is a great deal. You know Murph cost us a lot of money in the post season this year.
US: Bubbala, when are you gonna get over that error? It’s not exactly like no one else made an error in the World series, and inside the park homer on the first pitch? Are you kidding me?
S: Sol, we have no problem with Murph’s play in the World Series. I’m talking about the money he cost us in the NLCS.
US: Wait, what? Murph was the MVP, he hit over .500. Homered in every game. Are you insane?
S: Yes, well his play cost us two additional home gates in that series. We weren’t looking for a sweep. So we adjusted our offer accordingly, taking about 4.5 million a year off the deal and taking off one year. Believe me this is very equitable considering all the variables present.
Uncle Sol passes out and falls to the floor.
S: Well Murph, your representative appears to not have eaten breakfast. What do you say?
Murph: I …….
TO BE CONTINUED
Hey! You there! It’s me! Sol here!
So there I was in my office when news of Murph getting the qualifying offer came over the wire. Qualifying? Ok, nice for an appetizer but I think we all know Murph needs something long term. So I sat, and I thought, and I kvetched. Had a cigar or two and then, it hit me!
If Murph got a qualifying offer then you, the loyal Murphy fans should get a quantifying offer! We’re proud to introduce the new Oh Murph Dot Com Anti Chapping Lip Moisturizer or OMDCACLM. Quite a mouthful I know but for legal reasons it just has to be.
Available for purchase only at Oh Murph Dot Com the OMDCACLM employs cutting edge technology and way too much science that I’m not qualified to speak about but bubalah trust me, your lips never felt softer.
Each .7 ounce tube retails $14.99 each but at this time they’re only being sold in 3-packs for $28.88. Those packs of 3 comes in boxes of 10 and if you think I’m paying Manny overtime to break cardboard you’re nuts, so you get 30 I get $288.88 ok?
We only accept the MurphsterCard at this time because I’m still settling my disputes with Amex and the Diners Club but stop worrying! When you use your MurphsterCard for the exclusive quantifying offer we’re throwing you a deal. When purchasing OMDCACLM we’ll take an extra .28% off your final sale or that can be applied to your monthly statement where fixed interest is always 28%. Corporate accounts welcome!
So mull that “qualifying” offer over with Oh Murph Dot Com Anti Chapping Lip Moisturizer in bulk, and don’t let them chap you.
So Sandy fainted today. Lost consciousness for a few minutes right in the middle of a press conference. Created quite a scare for the non-First Aid trained news media who immediately reached for their cell phones not to dial 911, but to be the first to tweet “Wow, Sandy just fainted”. One writer was actually heard to exclaim “First!” just before Sandy hit the ground.
The reason Sandy fainted was attributed to Sandy not eating breakfast, the old low blood sugar excuse. But executives in high stress jobs are prone to illness like this. One public instance of this happened many years ago to then president George H. W. Bush when he blew some chunks in Japan at a state dinner. Bad sushi? Not likely.
What was causing Sandy’s stress? In the business world once you deliver you are expected to continue to do so. Doesn’t matter if its afluke or not. And Baseball is a business, and the Mets business has been hungry for a pay day like 2015 for a long time.
Which brings us to Sandy’s dilemma.
All Sandy’s maneuvering during the previous years and especially this season’s finally got the Mets one thing from a business perspective: Just two extra home gates. Two chances to get the meat in the seats as they say.
But wait you say, the Mets actually played 7 home games in the post season. This is the truth. But the facts are, Sandy only got two of those, Daniel Murphy got the other five.
That’s right, and you know it. Without Murph’s heroics, no NLCS, no World Series. Murph batted .328 in the post season while the rest of the team batted .204. His World Series was not good and still he ended at .328, 7 homers, a record six in a row. He didn’t see a pitch to hit in the World Series because the guys hitting around him, the ones he gave all the credit to, didn’t show up at all. So who would pitch to Murph? Never saw him walk so much.
Now here’s Sandy. If I don’t sign this guy and the 21 year old phenom who hasn’t crossed the Mendoza line in the majors doesn’t get it going, or if the Captain’s back acts up for a few months, or if the wild throwing first baseman has another herniated disc, what do I do? The rolodex still only stops at Eric Campbell’s number. If I sign another free agent for similar money that Murph will get, and he gets New Yorkitis like almost every other free agent that comes here what then? Have every fan on Mets twitter tweet Murph’s stats everytime that free agent or that kid or Soup comes up to bat? And what if Murph has developed a legitimate home run stroke and he signs with the Marlins, or the Nats, or the Yankees? What then?
The stress has been revealed. Feel for the man, a blood sugar adjustment is not going to fix that.
Last night was heartbreaking. It was sad. It was downright ugly. No, I’m not talking about the Mets losing in last night’s World Series game 4. I am talking about having to spend the night at Citi Field in the Big Apple Seats with the so called 7 Line “Army” (I will continue to put army in quotes when referring to these buffoons, as they are the farthest thing from it).
Now admittedly, everything I heard about last night comes from a friend’s account of the experience, but Karen (not her real name) and I are close friends and I have no reason to believe any of this is not true.
Karen has been a supporter of the 7 Line in the past, through purchases of a few shirts over the years, mostly before Darren sold out, and was even friendly with Darren, but has never sat in the “Army” seats in the Big Apple section. She still received a code for World Series tickets (as did I for buying ONE shirt back in 20 12) and she managed to be lucky enough to get tickets for game 4. Karen is a huge Mets fan. She was ecstatic for this game, going with her best friend. I was there as well, and we were using Facebook Messenger to chat during the game.
Well it all started after Demi Lovato completed what I thought was a pretty damn good rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. Karen messages me “these fucktards didn’t remove their hats for the anthem.” Fine, I’m sure it wasn’t everyone, and I can’t say whether is was a higher percentage of people than in the rest of the stadium, but I know I didn’t see anyone around me in my 500 level seats with their hat still on during the song.
Throughout the game, Karen grew more and more annoyed with what she had to endure. “People are smoking out here without a care in the world,” was one message I received. “These 2 couples are getting up twice an inning to get beer. WTF?” was another. Later on she told me “The girl next to me just blew chunks violently and forgot she did. Because she kept drinking like it was nothing.” Those couples that kept going for beer? Well one of those women snuck people into the section and my friend’s row, basically forcing people to squeeze in and have to stand or sit on top of their seat(since 26 people can’t fit in 24 seats).
Now how about the guy with all those annoying signs? I’ll just let Karen give her account of it. “Yet I was questioned bringing my blanket in… This guy had SOOOOOO many signs. AND flags. AND food. He brought candy, sandwiches, little bottles of jack Daniels, it was like his own little studio apt. The pile of signs was literally 25 man roster deep. And Terry. And Chris Rock, Seinfeld, and others. But omg you’re gonna sit on your blanket? Yes. Yes I am. I can’t sit in my seat, I have to sit on top of it, so I need cushion.
Later on, more sign guy messages. “Omg the guy with the signs… Deflecting EVERY SINGLE SHIRT and keeping them all… T-shirt toss was a waste.”
Then there was an interaction with a member of the 7 Line Clown College (I kinda like that instead of “Army”) who questioned how Karen was able to obtain her tickets. Krusty apparently had no problem getting tickets to all three home games, which seems a tad bit suspicious considering he was supposed to have used a code to get tickets to ONE game and tickets were gone in seconds. But the fact that Karen got tickets with a code? That seemed to be impossible to him.
“How did you get these tickets? You’re not on the stub are you?”
” I got them with the code”
“You sure you’re not on the stub”
“Who are you to question me”
“But I’ve never seen you”
“You don’t sit here where do you sit”
Karen started to ignore Krusty. Krusty started hitting Karen on her hat as if to prod her to answer him. Finally Karen said something to him (She didn’t share her choice words), and his response was “take it easy, Stub.”
There was more from Karen about her experience, but for the sake of time, and my need to shower and get ready to head to the stadium for game 5, I will summarize them here. So called fans were giving up early, well before the 8th. The songs they sing are beyond terrible. Karen was ostracized for wearing blue instead of orange. She is in pain today from being banged around so much after Drunky McBitch snuck people into the row. Pukey McPuke berated Karen for not tagging a picture she posted on Instagram with the 7 Line.
Someone will ask why she didn’t do anything about the extra people in her row, the smoking, the puking, etc., and her response would be “I feared retribution from the rest of the section.”
Karen was so happy to be able to go to see her beloved Mets in the World Series last night. It’s sad that even if they had won, she would have left there utterly disappointed. Ringling Brothers, I think we have some new candidates for you. Long live the 7 Line Clown College.
Greetings Murph fans old and new alike and welcome to Oh Murph!
For many of you, this is your maiden voyage and might not be familiar with how we do things here.
First and foremost it’s “All Murph all the time” since we started back in 2009. Whether it’s an original “Oh Murph” moment or the otherworldly display he’s putting on now that has you saying “Oh, Murph!” if you’re looking for Murph you’re in the right place.
Many have asked, because we’ve been backing Murph since the very beginning “did you expect this?”. Like the rest of you, the answer would have to be no. What we did expect was solid hitting and being his usual impossible to strikeout self. If these weren’t home runs they’d be meaningful doubles and we wouldn’t be surprised at all. The guy is a professional hitter, always has been. The only thing new is he’s found his penchant for hitting home runs and next to “Professional Hitter” on his business card he can add “October Legend”
So thanks for stopping by Oh Murph! Hope you come back real soon and check out how Daniel Murphy has turned the “Oh” in Oh Murph into something completely different. When people say “O.H.” Murph now they’re really saying “Our Hero”. Enjoy the Series and don’t be surprised if you see “Our Hero” continue his “October Heroics”.
Hey! You there! Sol here.
My postseason has been going swimmingly, I even bought Julio waterwings!
The Dom has been flowing since Murph took off on this run and I hit the studio on my Segway to show him love.
You know “Truffle Butter” right? Drake? Nicki? Wayne? Well add “Sol” to that list!
Oh and for everyone saying “Sign this one” “Keep that one” I have two words for you: Stop Worrying!
The last time we were this close I was a young man in my middle seventies! Look at me now! Enjoy the ride!
Just know this, Murph is getting great financial advice. But who reps Cespedes? I bet he has ins at the Cohiba factory!
Thinking ’bout that
Murph just gained a couple million his last at bat
Hard to talk playoffs and not how he’s making pitchers crumble
Two things he’s about: getting hits and staying humble
Murphaholics ya here? Ya here right now?
Tell the haters “disappear right now”
Look ya getting all your friends
And ya getting in the car
Coming to the ballpark
Are we clear right now huh?
See he’s a post game fixture
Swinging a big stick sir
5 home runs real quick? Suuuuuuure
Shaking up the postseason picture
If not homers they would be doubles
Giving the best pitchers fits and troubles
Probably left some Cubs fans with bursted bubbles
Another one from Murph?
You know it. Uh huh…. Yeah (3x)
October 9, 2015
Dodger Stadium Visitors clubhouse
“Murph ready for your first playoff game?” an unnamed beat writer asked.
Tired of verbalizing, and ready to let his bat do the talking “Yowzers” he replied.
“Rough at bat Murph, hang with um!”
“Yowzers” he replied
*HOMERUN* Mets dugout
“You’re the man Murph!”
“You’re our hero”
“We love how you hit to all fields”
“Your defense bothers us not”
“If you aren’t offered a long term deal our morale will suffer”
“Yowzers” he replied
“Murph any response to going deep in your first playoff game?”
“Yowzers” he said
“Did you see the imprint of your name on the ball?”
“Yowzers” he replied
Game 2, 7th inning
“How can he be safe? He never touched the bag?” the Mets protested
“Yowzers” was all Murph could muster
Charter flight to NY
“Murph, they said we’re out of dessert options because you raided the cart preflight”
“Yowzers” he retorted a chocolaty grin
October 12, 2015
Citi Field Home clubhouse
“Murph you ready to get this done”
He didn’t reply this time, his looks said it all.
You know deGrom and Torres and Verrett and Parnell
You know Robles, and Colon, and Jeurys, and Goeddel
But do you recall
The most spoiled Mets pitcher of all
Harvey the spoiled pitcher
Doesn’t play by all the rules
Matt and his Agent Boras
Treat the fans as if they’re fools
All of the other pitchers
Just throw and avoid all the fame
They aren’t seen in public
Going to a Yankees game
Then this past Labor Day Eve
Boras came to say
Harvey with his pitch count high
He won’t be the go-to-guy
Now Harvey missed a workout
Claims he lost track of time
If he loses as game 3’s starter
The “Dark Knight” won’t be worth a dime