The past few days in Atlanta have been for the most part enjoyable for the Mets.  No Met was having a better time than Justin Turner who used his locally popular surname to get VIP treatment beyond the standard 5 stars a professional athlete is used to. 

Turner started the shenanigans shortly after checking in when he went down to the front desk of the team hotel and told the manager he didn’t think “Uncle Ted” would be very pleased with his accommodations at all, he was quickly upgraded to the penthouse suite.

After game one of the series, Turner went to popular Atlanta watering hole “Wet Willies” where he skipped out on a $1500 tab.  The next night he was seen at gentleman’s club “Magic City” convincing dancers if they left with him he could get them jobs at TBS.

The epitome of Turner’s identity theft came when he overslept before the last game and had to catch a cab to the stadium in the middle of rush hour traffic.  “Step on it!” Turner snapped at his driver.  “That stadium you’re driving to, it was named after me.”

Sunday afternoon I was very certain we had another patented “Oh Murph” moment on our hands when it appeared Murph was called out for leaving too early on a tag up play. I was delighted when I heard Murph had indeed left on time but what happened to him after the game is just too much for a sensitive guy like Murph to handle.

Fresh off the debacle on the bases Murph was just happy to put the afternoon behind him. He was minding his own business listening to Terry when all of a sudden a clubhouse attendant burst in and exclaimed that someone had left the postgame powwow early and hit the buffet while the rest of the team was still getting debriefed. All eyes turned to Murph as he had some crumbs on his face but it wasn’t from the pilfered food, it was actually from a pb&j sandwich his Mom makes him before each game. Not wanting to explain any of those details, Murph blurted out:

“It was me. I left early”

With that sentiment echoing throughout the visiting clubhouse at PNC Park, no one paid any mind while Angel Pagan hoarded three loaves of bread, a pound of coleslaw and a bottle of Cholula sauce (the one with the wooden cap) into his carryon luggage.

So the Mets took 2 of 3 from ATL over the weekend but that’s not the big story.  The real news came out of the visiting clubhouse when we uncovered the real truth about how Roger McDowell is coping after his bigotry fueled suspension.  It’s OhMurphDotCom and you know how we do it.  The story behind the story.

His few weeks away from the team was only part of Roger’s suspension.  It turns out that the Mothers Day edition pink bats were put aside for Roger’s return and he is required to use it during batting practice when hitting fungos.   He also must wear the pink spikes/sweatband combo for the duration of the season.  When he’s not on the field McDowell must make sure all the beverages in the clubhouse are on coasters.  Lastly Roger is in charge of keeping the bathrooms smelling fresh at all times by constantly replenishing a supply of potpourri.  Apparently he is a huge fan of any scent that is lilac dominant.

Although we can’t confirm this, rumors are swirling that McDowell will be presenting members of the SF Giants  with his special potpourri blend when they come to Atlanta in August as a gesture of good will.

Immediately following the “Don’t trade Jose Reyes” rally at the Shea Bridge, the “Don’t trade Scott Hairston” rally began.

Despite the appearance of Cowbell Man, the event was lightly attended.

Inspired by his graceful play in the field during the Mets win last night in the
rain over the Nats, the producer of Riverdance has contacted the Mets and made
arrangements for Daniel Murphy to join the cast of the traveling company.

“We’ve been watching Murphy for some time now” said Sean Fitzpatrick, Riverdance associate choreographer. “He’s actually practiced with the company on several occasions over the past few winters. While his jig still needs some work, his reel would make me dearly departed sainted mother weep like the mist of the old sod. He also needs to learn to keep his head up, can’t always be starin’ at yer feet now.”

Terry Collins was in favor of the action stating “It’ll be good for Murph, keep him sharp. I expect his playing time will drop off a little once Davis and Wright get back now that Turner’s rippin’ the cover off it.”

A month after the initial injury, the Hospital for special surgery has finally resorted to sophisticated imagining techniques to determine that David Wright is suffering from a stress fracture in his lower back.

Our very own Young Daniel Murphy was gunned down at the plate last night against the Rockies while apparently texting on his iPhone4 replete with black Otter case.

Murphy was caught sending a condolence text to Chris Young after learning of his season ending surgery.

Hey you there!  Uncle Sol here!   When you’re a big time internet personality like me sometimes you get approached by people who want to get their products a little promotion.  Maybe they’d like to hitch their wagon to our star?  Well after some begging and bribery, the American Apple Society convinced us to review their product.  The review is much like these Apple fanatics’ premise, disappointing at best.

The Apple I received was shiny and seemed like it might be enjoyable.  Boy was I wrong!  After the first bite I was really disappointed by its dry and mealy content.  It was not juicy and the whole experience was overall tasteless.  Somehow I felt much less funny after my encounter with The Apple   I also nearly chipped my tooth, but stop worrying I saw a dentist and I’m fine.

So, if you’re looking for a quality product, I couldn’t recommend the Apple. 

Please note your Murphster Card cannot be used to purchase Apples.

So here you are again.

You want to read about Murph, how he’s affected by the world, how he affects the world. You’ve seen him: perform an exorcism, become a shabbos goy, get high, and fly. You’ve spent 24 hours with him, gone through airport security and rehab. Been with him through NASA training, a joy ride with K-Rod, re-lived his visit to Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, and seen him get cloned.

All right here, at OhMurphDotCom. That’s what you should do, read about the adventures of Young Daniel Murphy at OhMurphDotCom.

Make Sense? Sure.

So what wouldn’t you do at OhMurphDotCom?

Read the Newspaper? No, not here.

Eat some “hand held fruit. Maybe that’s a banana, for some that’s an Apple” to quote that commercial? No, no fruit eating here.

So if you eliminate those two, and apply that concept to all combinations, ie., Eat the Newspaper or Read the Fruit, none of that will happen here to your satisfaction.

But as always, we will bring you the best of Murph related humor as we always have. It’s our thing, our territory.

So if you see a Murph attempt at humor, and you feel it’s less than 100% funny, you should know you’re in the wrong place.

And that’s 100% true.