Posts Tagged ‘autism’

The Amazin’s recently sent some team members to the New York Child Learning Institute in College Point, Queens to give some children living with autism a chance to mingle with their role models.  Both during the season and off-season, the Mets organization is actively involved with local school and community events as way of giving back, and this particular visit to a school was no different – except for one team member who was conspicuous by his absence.  Pedro Feliciano, Omir Santos, HoJo, and even Mr. Met boarded the bus that morning to visit this particular group of special needs children.  But Daniel Murphy was nowhere to be found.

“How can I say this without sounding offensive,” Murph wondered when reached for comment about declining the invite to participate.  “Spring training’s a month away, and the last thing I wanna do is contract the autism.”

The Jacksonville school system teaches its students that autism is a communicable condition given to children as punishment from God for parents who conceive a child in anything but the missionary position, the Official Position of the Church®. Murphy, a product of that school system, claims he is simply being cautious about his health as he looks to secure a starting job as the Mets’ 2010 first baseman.  “I give a lot of credit to Petey (Feliciano) and Omir and them for playing with those kids without one of them swine flu facemask thingies.  I can’t afford to mess around with that right now, not with C-Del swingin’ a hot stick in that Rican league.”

When informed that autism is really a non-contagious mental developmental disorder children are born with, Murphy scoffs.  “Alls I know is that in the ’50s, people thought we’d be in flying cars by now.  Science doesn’t have all the answers, but this book right here does.  I don’t remember on which page Jesus says you can’t have the butt sex, but I’m just glad that my mama and papa read it.”

*Thanks to Schnizzle of MetsFAIL.com for input into this post’s concept