Posts Tagged ‘bobby bonilla’

(September 3, 2011)  – The New York Mets today announced through their interim PR director Matt Cerrone that David Wright will return to game action just 9 days after suffering what appeared to be a carreer ending and life threatening injury.
 
After suffering a beaning during the 2009 season at the hands of then San Fransisco Giants pitcher Matt Cain, Wright was never able to end his fears of a subsequent beaning. Repeatedly trying to improve his head protection, Wright became obsessed with finding the ultimate prototype helmet, and during the August 16th game against the Atlanta Braves, Wright suddenly collapsed in the on deck circle under the weight of 7 inch thick lead and cement lined helmet. The helmet’s weight, estimated at 136 lbs, became a handicap to Wright and a concern to teammates. Ironically, the injury occurred 2 years to the date of the Cain beaning.
 
“Damn, when it takes you more than a minute to run to first base, you know your batting average is going to suffer” said Jeff Francour. “I mean, I don’t know how he could still swing a bat, but he hits a two hopper to the Mo Zone and gets thrown out only 8 feet from home plate, that’s an issue in my book.”
 
Wright suffered a collapse of his spinal column and lay motionless for several minutes, everyone feared the worst. “When he came to, he told Rickey he wanted to get back in there, but he just couldn’t move” said Mets manager Rickey Henderson. “That’s Rickey’s kind of player”.
 
The Wilpon family funded a special surgical team that was able to take Wright’s head and implant it in what’s being called a “Robocop” type body in reference to the 1987 cyberpunk movie. “You just don’t find that type of hand-eye coordination everyday, and we needed to try anything to preserve it” said Mets GM Bobby Valentine.
 
The grueling 48 hour surgery performed by Dr. David Altchek was a first ever of its type. “Yeah, it was a full two days, but it really wasn’t that hard on us. I mean we took a break when the welder’s came in and had some Thai takeout, and then were able to watch “Madmen” when the electricians were working” said Altchek.
 
Some suspect the huge contract extension that Wright received after the 2010 season motivated the Wilpon’s to try to get the most for their money. “David’s like family to us, he was very involved in this decision and we wanted to support him anyway we could. As you know, money is no longer an issue around here” said Jeff Wilpon in reference to the wildly successful sale of the Mets Fanwalk bricks which now line the entire Citifield parking lot, Northern Boulevard, and parts of the Grand Central Parkway.
 
Wright, appearing in three rehab games with the Brooklyn Cyclones after the surgery, performed way above expectations. Batting one handed, Wright amassed 7 homeruns, and 4 other times completed a rare steal of home. “I can’t believe how good I feel” said Wright, “the weight of the world, so to speak, is off my shoulders” Wright was also able to cover shortstop and leftfield at the same time while playing third with his new advanced BioMechanic body. “This definitely helps our depleted minor leagues, not having to find players to fill the roster to play those positions at the major league level” said Mets director of player development Bobby Bonilla.
 
Rumblings of complaints about Wright’s performance enhancing Robobody prompted a phone call to the commissioner’s office. “Hey, there ain’t no rule against it, we’re gonna let it play out and see what happens. Our surveys show this has peaked fan interest, and anything that gets meat in the seats is good in my book” said Commisioner George W. Bush. GM Bobby Valentine remarked “Hey, after what we suffered through in the ‘90’s with every Yankee on steroids, we deserve a break”.
 
Cerrone also announced that Jay Horowitz would return to his position next week after undergoing a modified version of the same surgery as Wright’s. “Jay’s experience just can’t be replaced”, said Cerrone, “with this surgery the Mets will get at least 40 more years out of him before the plutonium needs to be refreshed.”
 
In other Met injury news, Jose Reyes and John Maine, still out since 2009, will attempt separate rehab programs. Reyes will attempt to wear a cup for 15 minutes and then be evaluated. Maine will again attempt to sign his paycheck after a two week rest since his last signing.

The New York Mets’ injury woes continued today when mascot Mr. Met, 47, was diagnosed with a concussion by a neurologist not affiliated with the team. The injury apparently occurred sometime during the last homestand when Pepsi Party Patrol member Herb, accidentally launched a giveaway t-shirt into Mr. Met’s head.

Mr. Met is believed to have lost conciousness at the time of the injury and showed symptoms of a concussion when he began vomiting and complaining of headaches. Team doctors dismissed this as food poisoning and treated him with two extra-large Tylenol. Mr. Met had been performing with the concussion through this past Sunday’s game at CitiField. Former Met outfield Ryan Church reached out to Mr. Met and told him to get examined by a neurologist.

The unnamed neurologist’s report “suspects the world’s largest concussion” but cannot be 100% sure as the search for an MRI machine large enough to contain Mr. Met’s giant dome has been unsuccessful. Team doctors scoffed at the report and manager Jerry Manuel went as far to say “Mr. Met is a different animal than Ryan Church.” Omar Minaya blamed Daily News reporters for the injury, and somewhere, Tony Bernazard ripped his shirt off and challenged a minor-league mascot to a fight.

The team has not announced how they will replace Mr. Met on the next homestand, if he is unable to perform. There are some reports that indicate that the infrequently seen Mrs. Met may take her husband’s place or that Buster T. Bison may be recalled from Triple-A Buffalo; but conflicting reports say that Bobby Bonilla may return to the organization in a Mr. Met-type costume.

When asked about the Bonilla rumor, COO Jeff Wilpon would not confirm nor deny, instead indicating that the team would “rather not” have to pay any additional money to Bonilla; who is owed $1.2M annually from 2011 to 2035 as part of his January 2000 contract buyout.