Posts Tagged ‘david wright’

Sandy Alderson knows he’s got his work cut out for him. (Osse Jorosco, on the other hand, never understood that phrase because he figured having it cut out FOR you meant LESS work. Osse also rarely speaks in the third person. He digresses.)

Recently christened as the Mets’ new General Manager Supreme Cheese, Alderson faces some tough and immediate decisions before starting the 2011 campaign. What to do with Ollie and Luis? Will Beltran be asked to move to right field? How do you fill the void left by Johan‘s sexcapades/surgery? Who will be the Specific Manager? Should the company match on Mr. Met’s 401(k) increase? Evolution or intelligent design? Paper or plastic? Latex or lambskin?

In reality, Alderson already knows his first second third fourth order of business this winter involves a makeover of the team’s image as that of being a soft, gutless squad of chokers. Sandy knows that in order to do this, he needs to leverage the face of the franchise, who unfortunately doesn’t double as the voice of the franchise.

David Wright will undergo a voice box transplant this winter.

Wright's abnormally small specimen will be replaced with a male verison

“How did ANYone ever take this kid seriously?” Alderson recently told OhMurph. “I had a 5’2″ aunt who smoked like a chimney that sounded like a teamster when she spoke. And here we have Wright, whose voice is about as intimidating as Selena Gomez‘s.”

Sandy seen here consulting with the world's finest unlicensed Filipino doctor

As a local sports icon, Wright’s boyish demeanor and all-American appeal gained him fans across the Tri-State area. The bashful voice, however, stopped being cute after his age-21 rookie season in 2004, and barely remained tolerable through 2006′s playoff run. As the team’s subsequent failures mounted, Wright’s cliche-ridden post game interviews drew comparisons to the helium-filled shennanigans of so many birthday clowns.

Says Alderson: “After consulting with the surgeons, we opted for a James Earl Jones soundalike, deciding against the  Isaac Hayes and Brad Garrett options. People talk about instant credibility with the Mets. Well, it starts here. The beat reporters will no longer need to ask David to speak up, or pinch his cheeks.”
 

Wright was unable to comment (verbally, at least) as he was under strict doctor’s orders to rest his vocal cords, which were going to be donated to an Armenian infant born without a voice box.  Wright was unable to issue a written statement either, as he is illiterate due to his having been raised in Virginia.

In a coincidental and unrelated story, James Earl Jones recently perished in an automobile accident when his car was run off the road by a vehicle identified only by a New York license plate that read “MRPH4HIR”.

WAKE UP OMAR!

Free agency officially started ONE MINUTE AGO! What are you doing, playing fuckin’ Farmville? Mets fans deserve better than this. MURPH deserves to know who his righty platoonmate is going to be! Castillo needs to know who’s going to be breathing down his neck all year! Reyes deserves to know what fat, over the hill catcher is going to be clogging the basepaths in front of him! Wright needs to know who’s not going to be protecting him in the lineup! Dan Warthen wants to start working on his David Blain act so he can disguise our newly-acquired 4th starter as a fuckin’ 2nd starter! Johan wants to know whose turn is it to butcher routine plays in left field behind him! K-Rod would like to have an idea as to which setup man is going to give up those two runs in the 8th to give him a save opportunity to blow in the 9th! Our fearless lame duck leader Jerry Manuel needs names to start drafting one-liners for the post-game press conferences, the kind he cranks out after each heartwrenching loss!

There are too many holes to fill with not enough talent on the farm nor on the market. We hope you’re burning the midnight oil, Omar, to bring this team back to respectability. You better be burning those off-peak minutes on your cell and pounding the sidewalk harder than when Kid Carter’s out streetwalking & turning tricks!

For your sake, Omar, we hope that you’re finishing up your brownie ala mode at Outback Steakhouse right now, sitting across from John Lackey and his agent after a satisfying dinner and productive discussion. We hope you’ve written down your offer on a napkin and have it covered with your hand, just like in the movies. And that at this very second, you turned the napkin around and slid it across the table towards your guests before bidding farewell. Scott Boras has Matt Holliday sitting at the Chipotle on Varick waiting to hear what you’ve got to say.

(September 3, 2011)  – The New York Mets today announced through their interim PR director Matt Cerrone that David Wright will return to game action just 9 days after suffering what appeared to be a carreer ending and life threatening injury.
 
After suffering a beaning during the 2009 season at the hands of then San Fransisco Giants pitcher Matt Cain, Wright was never able to end his fears of a subsequent beaning. Repeatedly trying to improve his head protection, Wright became obsessed with finding the ultimate prototype helmet, and during the August 16th game against the Atlanta Braves, Wright suddenly collapsed in the on deck circle under the weight of 7 inch thick lead and cement lined helmet. The helmet’s weight, estimated at 136 lbs, became a handicap to Wright and a concern to teammates. Ironically, the injury occurred 2 years to the date of the Cain beaning.
 
“Damn, when it takes you more than a minute to run to first base, you know your batting average is going to suffer” said Jeff Francour. “I mean, I don’t know how he could still swing a bat, but he hits a two hopper to the Mo Zone and gets thrown out only 8 feet from home plate, that’s an issue in my book.”
 
Wright suffered a collapse of his spinal column and lay motionless for several minutes, everyone feared the worst. “When he came to, he told Rickey he wanted to get back in there, but he just couldn’t move” said Mets manager Rickey Henderson. “That’s Rickey’s kind of player”.
 
The Wilpon family funded a special surgical team that was able to take Wright’s head and implant it in what’s being called a “Robocop” type body in reference to the 1987 cyberpunk movie. “You just don’t find that type of hand-eye coordination everyday, and we needed to try anything to preserve it” said Mets GM Bobby Valentine.
 
The grueling 48 hour surgery performed by Dr. David Altchek was a first ever of its type. “Yeah, it was a full two days, but it really wasn’t that hard on us. I mean we took a break when the welder’s came in and had some Thai takeout, and then were able to watch “Madmen” when the electricians were working” said Altchek.
 
Some suspect the huge contract extension that Wright received after the 2010 season motivated the Wilpon’s to try to get the most for their money. “David’s like family to us, he was very involved in this decision and we wanted to support him anyway we could. As you know, money is no longer an issue around here” said Jeff Wilpon in reference to the wildly successful sale of the Mets Fanwalk bricks which now line the entire Citifield parking lot, Northern Boulevard, and parts of the Grand Central Parkway.
 
Wright, appearing in three rehab games with the Brooklyn Cyclones after the surgery, performed way above expectations. Batting one handed, Wright amassed 7 homeruns, and 4 other times completed a rare steal of home. “I can’t believe how good I feel” said Wright, “the weight of the world, so to speak, is off my shoulders” Wright was also able to cover shortstop and leftfield at the same time while playing third with his new advanced BioMechanic body. “This definitely helps our depleted minor leagues, not having to find players to fill the roster to play those positions at the major league level” said Mets director of player development Bobby Bonilla.
 
Rumblings of complaints about Wright’s performance enhancing Robobody prompted a phone call to the commissioner’s office. “Hey, there ain’t no rule against it, we’re gonna let it play out and see what happens. Our surveys show this has peaked fan interest, and anything that gets meat in the seats is good in my book” said Commisioner George W. Bush. GM Bobby Valentine remarked “Hey, after what we suffered through in the ‘90’s with every Yankee on steroids, we deserve a break”.
 
Cerrone also announced that Jay Horowitz would return to his position next week after undergoing a modified version of the same surgery as Wright’s. “Jay’s experience just can’t be replaced”, said Cerrone, “with this surgery the Mets will get at least 40 more years out of him before the plutonium needs to be refreshed.”
 
In other Met injury news, Jose Reyes and John Maine, still out since 2009, will attempt separate rehab programs. Reyes will attempt to wear a cup for 15 minutes and then be evaluated. Maine will again attempt to sign his paycheck after a two week rest since his last signing.

I’m a white boy from Virginia. Who do you THINK I’m voting for?”  - David Wright, October 2008 at Duke’s Original Roadhouse, NYC (from first-hand sources *)

So you think Daniel Murphy’s in a slump. Some sort of rut, or “funk,” as the Mets’ second-winningest manager Willie Randolph liked to say. As of the end of the 4-3 win over the Braves last night (in which Murph went 0-3), his BA is down to a pedestrian .277.  Murph’s now gone two for his last twenty something over the past week – or so the liberal media would have you believe.

They say numbers never lie. But you know who does? The bedwetting liberal national media, that’s who. Murphaholics know full well that it’s physically impossible for Murphy to ever, ever, ever go into any kind of slump – he famously never heard of the word until he reached the bigs – but the biased NY-based media outlets have gone to amazing lengths to make Murph look bad for what amounts to the baseball equivalent of affirmative action.

The media has been using stock footage from the first five weeks of the season as well as advanced CGI in place of Murphy’s more recent at-bats, directing SNY play-by-play man Gary Cohen to read from a script during live broadcasts.  Murphy’s two inside-the-park home runs in last Saturday’s game against the Pirates were instead substituted for a strikeout and pop out. Along the exit gates, Citi Field staff have been outfitted with memory erasers like the ones used in the Men in Black movies. The goal? Make Daniel Murphy seem simply ordinary.  Some, like FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly, suggests the liberal media is simply pandering to a heavily Latin ball club.

“An all-American white kid from the south playing in the country’s most left-leaning media market? Please.  The kid doesn’t have a chance,” FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly was quoted as saying.  When asked by a caller why David Wright received no such treatment over the last few years, O’Reilly scoffed and responded, “Please, there’s only room for one Jesus on ‘Los Mets.’ Their front office doesn’t want the Lopez’s and Gomez’s or whoever else to protest with a siesta if a second white guy outperformed them regularly.”

Ex-MSNBC personality Michael Savage see things in bigger perspective. “Mets ownership dedicated their ballpark’s entrance to the wrong guy. Where’s the Moses Fleetwood Walker Rotunda? Oh right, not recent enough for a feel-good story.  Look, Major League Baseball is too caught up in protecting its diverse image, so it doesn’t surprise me once bit that young Danny Murphy’s accomplishments are being adversely manipulated to make him look ordinary.  This Carlos Beltran has suppsedly been on fire since day one, Luis Castillo may end up being comeback player of the year or whatever, and Johan is pitching decently, but yet the New York fans get on David Wright for being among the league leaders in strikeouts and fails to come through in big spots? Open your eyes, America.”

Eventually, though, The Murph can’t be held down for long.  The media will eventually relent and let Murph’s fair skin take up the back page or head the sports show highlights.

We’re not going to take it much longer… and you can bet your ass Murph won’t either.

Opinions expressed in this post are solely the poster’s and do not in anyway reflect the thoughts or beliefs of ohmurph.com

* Not necessarily true