Posts Tagged ‘jerry manuel’

WAKE UP OMAR!

Free agency officially started ONE MINUTE AGO! What are you doing, playing fuckin’ Farmville? Mets fans deserve better than this. MURPH deserves to know who his righty platoonmate is going to be! Castillo needs to know who’s going to be breathing down his neck all year! Reyes deserves to know what fat, over the hill catcher is going to be clogging the basepaths in front of him! Wright needs to know who’s not going to be protecting him in the lineup! Dan Warthen wants to start working on his David Blain act so he can disguise our newly-acquired 4th starter as a fuckin’ 2nd starter! Johan wants to know whose turn is it to butcher routine plays in left field behind him! K-Rod would like to have an idea as to which setup man is going to give up those two runs in the 8th to give him a save opportunity to blow in the 9th! Our fearless lame duck leader Jerry Manuel needs names to start drafting one-liners for the post-game press conferences, the kind he cranks out after each heartwrenching loss!

There are too many holes to fill with not enough talent on the farm nor on the market. We hope you’re burning the midnight oil, Omar, to bring this team back to respectability. You better be burning those off-peak minutes on your cell and pounding the sidewalk harder than when Kid Carter’s out streetwalking & turning tricks!

For your sake, Omar, we hope that you’re finishing up your brownie ala mode at Outback Steakhouse right now, sitting across from John Lackey and his agent after a satisfying dinner and productive discussion. We hope you’ve written down your offer on a napkin and have it covered with your hand, just like in the movies. And that at this very second, you turned the napkin around and slid it across the table towards your guests before bidding farewell. Scott Boras has Matt Holliday sitting at the Chipotle on Varick waiting to hear what you’ve got to say.

(September 3, 2011)  – The New York Mets today announced through their interim PR director Matt Cerrone that David Wright will return to game action just 9 days after suffering what appeared to be a carreer ending and life threatening injury.
 
After suffering a beaning during the 2009 season at the hands of then San Fransisco Giants pitcher Matt Cain, Wright was never able to end his fears of a subsequent beaning. Repeatedly trying to improve his head protection, Wright became obsessed with finding the ultimate prototype helmet, and during the August 16th game against the Atlanta Braves, Wright suddenly collapsed in the on deck circle under the weight of 7 inch thick lead and cement lined helmet. The helmet’s weight, estimated at 136 lbs, became a handicap to Wright and a concern to teammates. Ironically, the injury occurred 2 years to the date of the Cain beaning.
 
“Damn, when it takes you more than a minute to run to first base, you know your batting average is going to suffer” said Jeff Francour. “I mean, I don’t know how he could still swing a bat, but he hits a two hopper to the Mo Zone and gets thrown out only 8 feet from home plate, that’s an issue in my book.”
 
Wright suffered a collapse of his spinal column and lay motionless for several minutes, everyone feared the worst. “When he came to, he told Rickey he wanted to get back in there, but he just couldn’t move” said Mets manager Rickey Henderson. “That’s Rickey’s kind of player”.
 
The Wilpon family funded a special surgical team that was able to take Wright’s head and implant it in what’s being called a “Robocop” type body in reference to the 1987 cyberpunk movie. “You just don’t find that type of hand-eye coordination everyday, and we needed to try anything to preserve it” said Mets GM Bobby Valentine.
 
The grueling 48 hour surgery performed by Dr. David Altchek was a first ever of its type. “Yeah, it was a full two days, but it really wasn’t that hard on us. I mean we took a break when the welder’s came in and had some Thai takeout, and then were able to watch “Madmen” when the electricians were working” said Altchek.
 
Some suspect the huge contract extension that Wright received after the 2010 season motivated the Wilpon’s to try to get the most for their money. “David’s like family to us, he was very involved in this decision and we wanted to support him anyway we could. As you know, money is no longer an issue around here” said Jeff Wilpon in reference to the wildly successful sale of the Mets Fanwalk bricks which now line the entire Citifield parking lot, Northern Boulevard, and parts of the Grand Central Parkway.
 
Wright, appearing in three rehab games with the Brooklyn Cyclones after the surgery, performed way above expectations. Batting one handed, Wright amassed 7 homeruns, and 4 other times completed a rare steal of home. “I can’t believe how good I feel” said Wright, “the weight of the world, so to speak, is off my shoulders” Wright was also able to cover shortstop and leftfield at the same time while playing third with his new advanced BioMechanic body. “This definitely helps our depleted minor leagues, not having to find players to fill the roster to play those positions at the major league level” said Mets director of player development Bobby Bonilla.
 
Rumblings of complaints about Wright’s performance enhancing Robobody prompted a phone call to the commissioner’s office. “Hey, there ain’t no rule against it, we’re gonna let it play out and see what happens. Our surveys show this has peaked fan interest, and anything that gets meat in the seats is good in my book” said Commisioner George W. Bush. GM Bobby Valentine remarked “Hey, after what we suffered through in the ‘90’s with every Yankee on steroids, we deserve a break”.
 
Cerrone also announced that Jay Horowitz would return to his position next week after undergoing a modified version of the same surgery as Wright’s. “Jay’s experience just can’t be replaced”, said Cerrone, “with this surgery the Mets will get at least 40 more years out of him before the plutonium needs to be refreshed.”
 
In other Met injury news, Jose Reyes and John Maine, still out since 2009, will attempt separate rehab programs. Reyes will attempt to wear a cup for 15 minutes and then be evaluated. Maine will again attempt to sign his paycheck after a two week rest since his last signing.

It appears the Danny Drama is back again. Young Daniel has been trying to work through some intense growing pains this year… and he continues to get very little help from his manager.

Take Murphy’s 5 RBI game. Sure to get him in the lineup the next game right? Nope.

How about 2 nights ago, Murph has 2 doubles and makes a move that hasn’t been seen since Ron Jeremy’s 1996 thriller Yin Yang Oriental Love Bang, guarenteeing him a start the next night right?  Nope.

After months of fans wanting Murphy’s head on a platter for his struggles, it seems that he may be gaining his support back at the expense of Jerry Manuel.

Granted, the Mets are only 24-31 when Murphy starts but here are some stats you may not have been aware of…

Murphy is:

1. Batting 1.000 against Lefties when he gets a hit
2. Has gotten on base after every walk
3. Tied for first in the National League with no errors committed on July 8th

These numbers are nothing short of delicious.

We can however, expect Murphy to be in the lineup tonight against the Reds, how do we know this?  Because Jerry said so.

A special thanks to my father, Mr. Kesten who has brought to my attention, this most appropriate of anagrams for Daniel Murphy

UNDER PLAY HIM –  which is what Jerry loves to do

Flushing, NY – New York Mets General Manager Omar Minaya announced today the team has signed Instant Replay to a major league contract.  A late season call up in 2008, Instant Replay had mixed results in the early going, losing in its debut when an Alex Rodriguez homerun was upheld after a challenge by the Tampa Bay Rays. 

This season, however, Replay has been far more successful, including a perfect 5-0 record with Mets.  “The Mets just felt like the right fit for me.  Jerry [Manuel] has already shown a real willingness to use me in game situations, at home and on the road,” Replay said in explaining why he chose the Mets despite interest from other clubs.

Minaya, meanwhile, gushed about Replay’s abilities. “He’s a three tool player.  He can determine whether a home run is fair or foul, whether a home run actually clears the fence, and whether a fan interferes with a ball.  And he’s still young.” 

However, Replay has its detractors around the league.  Having already signed an endorsement deal with Sharp Aquos, some argue Replay has been given too much too soon.  And many fans and a few GM’s still oppose its presence in the sport.  “Look, most of baseball once thought black players had no business in the game.  But then we were blessed with Jackie Robinson.  I’m not saying I’m like Jackie or anything, but if I can have some success at this level, then maybe it’ll open the door for other forms of Replay to make it to the Bigs – plays at the plate or plays at first or balls and strikes – who knows!  Trust me, there’s a lot of talent in the Replay Leagues.” 

Details of the contract have not yet been disclosed, but it is believed to be a one year deal worth a year of HBO and a new remote.

Daniel Murphy had a career night tonight. Murph went 3-4 with a career high 5 RBI.  In the 6th inning he connected on a shot that hit off the Subway sign in Right Field that was originally called a double, however, for the fourth time in the past week, a replay was needed and the called was overturned.

Murphy topped off the night with a 2 run RBI double to deep left  in the 7th.

He was stranded at 2nd when Fernando “I don’t run out balls” Martinez popped out to Center on an unnecessary sliding catch.

Murphy looks like he has his swagger back.  Great night for him and for the first place New York Mets.

I don’t think Jerry will be benching him Friday.  But you never know with this guy…

Editors Note: A very special thanks to Daniel Murphy for giving this site at least another few days of life