Posts Tagged ‘jesus’

What would Jesus do if he was young, wealthy, athletic, good-looking, and tatted up like a biker? Josh Hamilton asked himself that very question on a temperate January night last winter in Tempe, Arizona.

Hamilton emerged as last season’s feel-good story about how a can’t-miss athletic talent nearly wasted his career and life away after fighting the demons of addiction, only to come back from the depths to do lots of good stuff, like lose the Home Run Derby at old Yankee Stadium during the All Star break.  He credited his astonishing comeback to his family, his spiritual mentor, and most importantly, his “relationship with Christ.”

All that goodwill came into question after photos from a bar romp last winter leaked out, a gallery of which was posted on Deadspin, in which a shirt-less Hamilton is living it up with the local lasses, like all of God’s creatures were intended to do.

"JOSH! JOSH! Got any Cat's Pee or some Crumbs? I need me some Scotty"

Before a Rangers game over the weekend, Hamilton was asked about the pictures and admirably manned up, admitted to the relapse episode, and apologized publicly. Unlike, say, Johnny Narron, Hamilton’s “accountability partner” who is on the Rangers’ payroll to ensure Hamilton stays on the straight and narrow.

In the true Christian tradition of denial, Narron completely dismissed the legitimacy of the photos, saying that he’s with Hamilton all the time. Apparently, Narron feels Hamilton’s dozens of arm, chest, and stomach tattoos are common enough to cause a case of mistake identity. No word yet if the titles of “accountability partner” and “crackhead” were swapped between Narron and Hamilton.

OhMurph.com recently caught up with Jesus to ask him his thoughts on the weekend’s developments.  ”Oh yeah, Josh definitely did what I would’ve done,” referring to Hamilton’s admission of guilt and perhaps also to his night of debauchery, adding “I mean, he’s a stud in the prime of his life, so I gave him the night off. Honestly, I’d get bored myself if all I did at night was read 2000 year-old text over and over.” Commenting on Johnny Narron, Jesus said “I’m proud of Johnny too, maintaining the Church’s tradition of lying to cover up an unflattering story, and then invoking my name, the Big JC, as a Get Out Of Jail Free card! Remember, I only do good stuff – drug addictions, birth defects, the Crusades, child molesters, smallpox, not my type of thing. Oh, wait. The Crusades were all me.”

At least Josh Hamilton did not have to deny-till-he-died. He slipped, admitted it, and life can move on for everyone. Narron can only lament that he missed a killer party. But at least he’ll have that pesky Devil character to blame if anyone questions his “accountability.”

Update: Nope

Original Post:

With half the team down for the count, the Mets turn to young Bobby Parnell to start tonight’s game in San Diego.  This will be Parnell’s first career start.

Will Parnell give us what we need for the final stretch of the season, or can we finally admit to ourselves that our year aint 2009?

Bobby Parnell: Our new Messiah?

The GM replied,
‘The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the bullpen,
is when I carried you on the 25-man roster”
- excerpt from Footprints In The ‘Pen

Nelson Figueroa’s return the Majors after a nomadic pro career was one of the Mets feel-good stories last year, which, much like Fernando Tatis’ comeback, gave fans a positive aspect to a season that would end disappointingly.

In 2009, however, Figueroa wouldn’t make the cut when the team broke camp and would have to wait for his next chance at finding a spot on the big league club – but something funny happened on the way to the ballpark…

Nelson found a little bit of Jesus in himself.

Figueroa was eventually called up in April to make a spot-start against the Brewers, but was unceremoniously designated for assignment shortly thereafter despite giving the team a quality start. His wife Alisa famously vented her anger to the world on the Figueroa family blog about how upset they were (“Nelson is upset,” she wrote. “He gave them a quality start and … did not expect to be told that wasn’t good enough and that they needed to make a move and he was that move. He expected more than one day in the big leagues this time around.” After being universally ridiculed by every baseball fan wishing they made $400K playing pro ball on any level for (a) ignoring the rule that there’s no crying in baseball, (b) allowing your wife to quote you crying on the Internet and (c) eventually re-signing with the Mets after discovering no other team likes to sign cry-babies, Nelson was again called up in May thanks to some injuries on the big league club.

But where was Nelson between his call-ups?

He actually never left Flushing. Believing that his designation was a sign from God to find Baby Jesus, the 34-year old Coney Island native immediately gave up his worldly goods (total value: $347.68). He grew his hair out, donned a white linen cloth usually reserved for the post game spread, and stopped shaving. Alisa was there with him at all times, carrying a laptop with a Verizon Wireless mobile access card, blogging his every move.

Nelson brought his kids to the World’s Fair Marina near Citi Field, and re-baptized them in the cold, murky waters of LaGuardia Bay. The pneumonia they developed as a result cleared up after two weeks, though doctors believe the mild rashes may need more time to dissipate.  Nelson also shocked onlookers when he attempted to walk on water by crossing the Flushing River – not because he was able to do so thanks to deeply-caked layers of sludge, congealed oil and cat carcasses tossed in by nearby Main Street eateries, but because he risked permanent skin damage doing so barefoot.

Finally, 40 hours and 231 blog posts later, Nelson finally found time to reflect at an empty Citi Field while the Mets were on the road. The groundskeepers had the day off and some footprints remained imprinted on the bullpen pitching mound. He looked up to the scoreboard, where AV crews were testing some images. A smiling Jesus looked down mockingly at Nelson. “Why have you forsaken me?” he asked out loud. Alisa, carrying his cell phone for him, felt a vibration. “Honey – it’s Tony Bernarzard,” she said nervously.

Two hours later, a freshly shaved, cropped, and showered Nelson Figueroa was headed to LaGuardia to catch a flight west to California to meet with team on their west coast swing. His inner search was complete. The bullpen’s new long man was their savior.

*The last paragraph was fabricated

Los Angeles – In a 2-2 ballgame in the top of the 11th inning Monday night, Ryan Church was greeted with a high five by Louis Castillo after crossing home plate with the go-ahead run. Only the run didn’t count. On his dash from first base, after an Angel Pagan drive to the right-centerfield gap, Church missed the third base bag, resulting in an out and likely costing the Mets the game. It was the latest and most embarrassing mistake in what has been a season filled with miscues for the team.

Fielding reporters’ questions after the game, Church was unapologetic for his base running blunder, claiming it was no blunder at all. Rather, it was a stand for teen abstinence.

Church, whose deep religious views are well known, told reporters, “Young people in America are constantly bombarded with graphic images of sex everywhere they turn. And it’s difficult to remain committed to God’s intentions.  Spending time on 1st base is fairly innocent.  And even swiping 2nd base can be fairly sinless.  But trouble starts at 3rd, where it is often difficult for teens to obey the yield sign on their way to ‘home plate.’  Hopefully this gesture will raise awareness for this very important cause.”

While with the Washington Nationals in 2005, Church issued an apology after relaying a conversation he had with the team’s chaplain.  Seeking advice about a former girlfriend, who was Jewish, Church reportedly asked, “Jewish people, they don’t believe in Jesus.  Does that mean they’re doomed?”  After being told that yes, in fact, they are, Church replied, “Man, if they only knew.  Other religions don’t know any better. It’s up to us to spread the word.”  When pressed whether or not he’d “rounded third” properly with that girlfriend, Church stated he did, but that it “didn’t count because she’s just a Jew broad.”

But what can a teen do to stave off temptation when there seems to be a clear path to home?  Church recommends doing what he does.  ”Just envision the bloated figure of third base coach Razor Shines giving you the stop sign.  And just remember, you don’t need to go all the way to score with Jesus.”

Despite being 4th on the team in at bats through Tuesday, Church is 9th in runs scored

I’m a white boy from Virginia. Who do you THINK I’m voting for?”  - David Wright, October 2008 at Duke’s Original Roadhouse, NYC (from first-hand sources *)

So you think Daniel Murphy’s in a slump. Some sort of rut, or “funk,” as the Mets’ second-winningest manager Willie Randolph liked to say. As of the end of the 4-3 win over the Braves last night (in which Murph went 0-3), his BA is down to a pedestrian .277.  Murph’s now gone two for his last twenty something over the past week – or so the liberal media would have you believe.

They say numbers never lie. But you know who does? The bedwetting liberal national media, that’s who. Murphaholics know full well that it’s physically impossible for Murphy to ever, ever, ever go into any kind of slump – he famously never heard of the word until he reached the bigs – but the biased NY-based media outlets have gone to amazing lengths to make Murph look bad for what amounts to the baseball equivalent of affirmative action.

The media has been using stock footage from the first five weeks of the season as well as advanced CGI in place of Murphy’s more recent at-bats, directing SNY play-by-play man Gary Cohen to read from a script during live broadcasts.  Murphy’s two inside-the-park home runs in last Saturday’s game against the Pirates were instead substituted for a strikeout and pop out. Along the exit gates, Citi Field staff have been outfitted with memory erasers like the ones used in the Men in Black movies. The goal? Make Daniel Murphy seem simply ordinary.  Some, like FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly, suggests the liberal media is simply pandering to a heavily Latin ball club.

“An all-American white kid from the south playing in the country’s most left-leaning media market? Please.  The kid doesn’t have a chance,” FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly was quoted as saying.  When asked by a caller why David Wright received no such treatment over the last few years, O’Reilly scoffed and responded, “Please, there’s only room for one Jesus on ‘Los Mets.’ Their front office doesn’t want the Lopez’s and Gomez’s or whoever else to protest with a siesta if a second white guy outperformed them regularly.”

Ex-MSNBC personality Michael Savage see things in bigger perspective. “Mets ownership dedicated their ballpark’s entrance to the wrong guy. Where’s the Moses Fleetwood Walker Rotunda? Oh right, not recent enough for a feel-good story.  Look, Major League Baseball is too caught up in protecting its diverse image, so it doesn’t surprise me once bit that young Danny Murphy’s accomplishments are being adversely manipulated to make him look ordinary.  This Carlos Beltran has suppsedly been on fire since day one, Luis Castillo may end up being comeback player of the year or whatever, and Johan is pitching decently, but yet the New York fans get on David Wright for being among the league leaders in strikeouts and fails to come through in big spots? Open your eyes, America.”

Eventually, though, The Murph can’t be held down for long.  The media will eventually relent and let Murph’s fair skin take up the back page or head the sports show highlights.

We’re not going to take it much longer… and you can bet your ass Murph won’t either.

Opinions expressed in this post are solely the poster’s and do not in anyway reflect the thoughts or beliefs of ohmurph.com

* Not necessarily true