Posts Tagged ‘jose reyes’

WAKE UP OMAR!

Free agency officially started ONE MINUTE AGO! What are you doing, playing fuckin’ Farmville? Mets fans deserve better than this. MURPH deserves to know who his righty platoonmate is going to be! Castillo needs to know who’s going to be breathing down his neck all year! Reyes deserves to know what fat, over the hill catcher is going to be clogging the basepaths in front of him! Wright needs to know who’s not going to be protecting him in the lineup! Dan Warthen wants to start working on his David Blain act so he can disguise our newly-acquired 4th starter as a fuckin’ 2nd starter! Johan wants to know whose turn is it to butcher routine plays in left field behind him! K-Rod would like to have an idea as to which setup man is going to give up those two runs in the 8th to give him a save opportunity to blow in the 9th! Our fearless lame duck leader Jerry Manuel needs names to start drafting one-liners for the post-game press conferences, the kind he cranks out after each heartwrenching loss!

There are too many holes to fill with not enough talent on the farm nor on the market. We hope you’re burning the midnight oil, Omar, to bring this team back to respectability. You better be burning those off-peak minutes on your cell and pounding the sidewalk harder than when Kid Carter’s out streetwalking & turning tricks!

For your sake, Omar, we hope that you’re finishing up your brownie ala mode at Outback Steakhouse right now, sitting across from John Lackey and his agent after a satisfying dinner and productive discussion. We hope you’ve written down your offer on a napkin and have it covered with your hand, just like in the movies. And that at this very second, you turned the napkin around and slid it across the table towards your guests before bidding farewell. Scott Boras has Matt Holliday sitting at the Chipotle on Varick waiting to hear what you’ve got to say.

I am Jose’s Hamstring Tendon. I connect the hamstring muscle to the leg bone. Some say I am a superficial tendon as my function is redundant. I am sometimes partially removed and used to fix ligament damage like in ACL surgery or Tommy John surgery. After that the hamstring functions normally.
However, being the hamstring tendon of an elite athlete like Jose Reyes, I have special properties and advanced nerve endings which connect directly into Jose’s Brain. By way of the special plasma injections that Jose has been receiving from the Mets medical staff, my special powers have mutated to the point that I have complete control of Jose, I alone control all his thoughts and activities.
They ask Jose to run the bases, I told him no.
They asked him to do fielding drill, I told him no.
They asked him to take batting practice, I told him no.
They asked him to sit in the dugout and do his homerun handshakes, I told him that was ok but there haven’t been any homeruns so I might as well have told him no.
Jose continues to listen to me and I have made him depressed to the point that he has begged me for something, anything, that he can do that I will allow. I thought about it for many days and there really is only one thing that I can let Jose do:
REGGAETON!!!!!!!!
Here I come Alexis and Fido, Ojas Que No Ven, Daddy Yankee, WHOO, El Ritmo No
Perdona, we’re moving now.
Ole, Ole-Ole, Ole, Ole.

The Mets medical staff yesterday determined that Jose Reyes has significant scar tissue stemming from his torn hamstring ligament.

Washington, D.C. — The New York Mets, already decimated by injuries, placed J.J. Putz on the disabled list Saturday.  The reliever had been experiencing pain in his throwing elbow and it was initially believed to be bone spurs.  However, an MRI revealed the cause to be an inability to pronounce his own last name.  Putz will miss nearly three months while he works on his Yiddish.

2 out!

Putz, who currently pronounces his name with a long u, “had battled through this ailment most of his career” according to Mets’ General Manager Omar Minaya.  “We knew about it, but our scouts were confident it wouldn’t hurt his effectiveness on the mound.  His hundred big league saves proved that. Unfortunately, in New York, with its huge Jewish population, it’s a lot tougher to hide this type of ailment.”

In Yiddish, the term putz literally means ‘penis.’  However, it is often used in English to describe an unlikeable or unintelligent person.  (see also, schmuck.)

Putz will be working with Dr. Oleg Steinblatt, Associate Dean of Yiddish Studies at the YIVO Institute for Jewish Research in Manhattan.  “Though I cannot speak to how such an inability to properly pronounce a Yiddish word would hamper Mr. Putz’s ability to effectively get out of the 8th,” admitted Dr. Steinblatt, who says his parents discouraged sports when he was a youth, “it does appear his ailment is largely psychological.”  While Dr. Steinblatt did not elaborate on the methods he would use to get Putz to pronounce his name with a short u, it will likely involve watching a lot of unfunny Jackie Mason bits.

While they brace for Putz’s absence, the Mets received more bad news when it was learned All-Star shortstop Jose Reyes would be out indefinitely with an inability to remember which handshake he’s supposed to do with what player.

We’ll… the Mets are on the brink of disaster with yet another injury. 

JJ is out 8-10 weeks and who knows what’s going on with Reyes’ torn hammy.

In times like this… I feel like the only thing we can do to feel better is laugh at fat kids getting injured.

Here is a video I found on you tube…