Posts Tagged ‘luis castillo’

Bailiff: “All Rise. The Court for Crimes against Baseball is now in Session. Honorable Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis presiding”

Judge Landis: “Be Seated. Bailiff, first case on the Docket?”

Bailiff: “The Fans of Baseball v. Omar Teodoro Antonio Minaya y Sanchez”

Judge Landis: “Bailiff, what are the Charges?”

Bailiff: “Multiple Counts of High Crimes and Misdemeanors against the game of Baseball. The charges are from Texas, Montreal, and New York”

Judge Landis: “Would the defendant please rise? Bailiff, please read the charges into the record”

Bailiff: “While with the Texas Rangers, Mr. Minaya, the Defendant, was responsible for the signing of Juan Gonzalez and Sammy Sosa. ‘Juan Gone’ and Sosa allegedly played a big role in ushering in the steroid era in Baseball.

Upon his departure from Texas, The defendant became an accomplice of one Steve Phillips, a known philanderer, responsible for dismantling the Mets of the late 1990′s through neglect.

The Defendant then moved on to Montreal Canada, where he proceeded to single handedly dismantle the future of the now Washington Nationals by trading Cliff Lee, Grady Sizemore, Brandon Phillips and Lee Stevens to the Cleveland Indians for Bartolo Colón, a ‘rental player’, while three of the former Expos went on to become Allstars. Mr. Colon proceeded to eat his way out of baseball and now is Rex Ryan’s stunt double on “Hard Knocks”.

Having escaped the Canadian border patrol, the Defendant ended up in New York, where he began a period of haphazardly acquiring future criminals such as Ambiorix Burgos and Francisco Rodriquez.

The Defendent is also accused of systematically diverting millions of dollars of New York Mets Fans money through the misguided signings of Luis Castillo and Oliver Perez. Charges are also pending for the signing of Jason Bay, although, at this time, the Grand Jury is still out.

Judge Landis: “Mr. Minaya, I have reviewed the evidence for each of these charges and have determined that you are guilty of each one. Your sentence will be announced at the conclusion of the 2010 baseball season. At this time you may address the court if you would like to do so.”

Omar Minaya: “Yes sir, Judge, uh, your honor. Where’s the camera? Oh, over here. Yes, your honor, I’ve got something to say, you know what I’m saying’?

While some of what that Bailiff guy said was partially true, and I got nobody to blame for that except myself, and maybe Tony Bernazard, and yes, maybe even Adam Rubin, I should point out what I feel, have been some of the good I’ve done for these teams that you mention here today.

I mean, yeah, that was a bad trade in Montreal, but you know, who even knew what an Expo was at the time. I was working for a team named after a Fair in Canada, you know what I’m saying’? I put them on the map, ’cause, let’s face it, you look at a map of the United States and you don’t see Montreal, you know what I’m sayin’?

And down there in Texas, you know I didn’t tell Juan Gone to use the juice. I mean yeah, so one year he had like 180 RBI, and this year it’s gonna take a miracle for most guys to get 100, but you know he got some people to go to the games down there. Most nights they had more Mosquitos than fans down there so it was good.

So you know everybody wants to ask me about New York and what happened. I mean we had a competitive team for awhile 2006, even 2007 when Willie starting spacing out on me at the end, and 2008 when everybody loved Jerry.

But the biggest crime, I’m going to confess to is the building of CitiField. You know, Mr. Wilpon, Fred, I love that old guy. You know he’s big buddies with Sandy Koufax and every year he has him go down to St. Lucie and try to teach Ollie how to pitch, you know that Lefty thing. All he wanted was to have a team that could pitch.

Let’s face it, my track record on getting a team some pitching depth without giving up the farm ain’t too good. One time I score with Santana, and nobody wants to trade with me anymore. So it’s that endless stream of Jose Lima’s, God rest his soul, and Geremi Gonzalez, uh, Geremi Gone for short and for real, and that bald Gringo with the funny beard, Tim somebody, so, you know, I got no luck there. If they weren’t already here and in the system, fuhgettaboutit.

So here’s what I did, when they were laying out the field, I snuck in one night and take all their tape measures you know, from those Union Carpenters, I mean they just leave their tools laying around. I substitute some tape measures I picked up down in China town from Mr. Hoo’s Tools and Dumplings that measure about 1 foot 1 inch for every foot and before you know it those fences are pushed back and our pitchers are looking good. Our hitter’s hate it, but Mr. Wilpon’s a happy man, you know what I’m sayin’? I did it for Fred.”

Judge Landis: “Hold the defendant in custody until sentencing. Court adjourned”

WAKE UP OMAR!

Free agency officially started ONE MINUTE AGO! What are you doing, playing fuckin’ Farmville? Mets fans deserve better than this. MURPH deserves to know who his righty platoonmate is going to be! Castillo needs to know who’s going to be breathing down his neck all year! Reyes deserves to know what fat, over the hill catcher is going to be clogging the basepaths in front of him! Wright needs to know who’s not going to be protecting him in the lineup! Dan Warthen wants to start working on his David Blain act so he can disguise our newly-acquired 4th starter as a fuckin’ 2nd starter! Johan wants to know whose turn is it to butcher routine plays in left field behind him! K-Rod would like to have an idea as to which setup man is going to give up those two runs in the 8th to give him a save opportunity to blow in the 9th! Our fearless lame duck leader Jerry Manuel needs names to start drafting one-liners for the post-game press conferences, the kind he cranks out after each heartwrenching loss!

There are too many holes to fill with not enough talent on the farm nor on the market. We hope you’re burning the midnight oil, Omar, to bring this team back to respectability. You better be burning those off-peak minutes on your cell and pounding the sidewalk harder than when Kid Carter’s out streetwalking & turning tricks!

For your sake, Omar, we hope that you’re finishing up your brownie ala mode at Outback Steakhouse right now, sitting across from John Lackey and his agent after a satisfying dinner and productive discussion. We hope you’ve written down your offer on a napkin and have it covered with your hand, just like in the movies. And that at this very second, you turned the napkin around and slid it across the table towards your guests before bidding farewell. Scott Boras has Matt Holliday sitting at the Chipotle on Varick waiting to hear what you’ve got to say.

News coming out of  Camp Castillo suggests Adoni Castillo, Luis Castillo´s one week old daughter was unharmed after a frightening fall.

Word is Luis was carrying Adoni with one hand, against common practice in the Dominican household, where the father usually carries their children with two hands which Castillo family doctor suggests is ¨much safter for the well being of the child.¨

It turns out that Castillo´s wife, who´s name was not released has spoken to her husband ¨quite a few times¨ about using two hands.

Castillo talked to reporters only after finding out Adoni was safe and expected to make a full recovery.  “I feel bad. I feel so bad,” he said following the dropped girl.   “The girl was moving a little bit.”    “I want to put everything in the past, starting today,” he said.

Thankfully, because of Castillo´s wifes hustle, Adoni was able to run home after the fall.

Los Angeles – In a 2-2 ballgame in the top of the 11th inning Monday night, Ryan Church was greeted with a high five by Louis Castillo after crossing home plate with the go-ahead run. Only the run didn’t count. On his dash from first base, after an Angel Pagan drive to the right-centerfield gap, Church missed the third base bag, resulting in an out and likely costing the Mets the game. It was the latest and most embarrassing mistake in what has been a season filled with miscues for the team.

Fielding reporters’ questions after the game, Church was unapologetic for his base running blunder, claiming it was no blunder at all. Rather, it was a stand for teen abstinence.

Church, whose deep religious views are well known, told reporters, “Young people in America are constantly bombarded with graphic images of sex everywhere they turn. And it’s difficult to remain committed to God’s intentions.  Spending time on 1st base is fairly innocent.  And even swiping 2nd base can be fairly sinless.  But trouble starts at 3rd, where it is often difficult for teens to obey the yield sign on their way to ‘home plate.’  Hopefully this gesture will raise awareness for this very important cause.”

While with the Washington Nationals in 2005, Church issued an apology after relaying a conversation he had with the team’s chaplain.  Seeking advice about a former girlfriend, who was Jewish, Church reportedly asked, “Jewish people, they don’t believe in Jesus.  Does that mean they’re doomed?”  After being told that yes, in fact, they are, Church replied, “Man, if they only knew.  Other religions don’t know any better. It’s up to us to spread the word.”  When pressed whether or not he’d “rounded third” properly with that girlfriend, Church stated he did, but that it “didn’t count because she’s just a Jew broad.”

But what can a teen do to stave off temptation when there seems to be a clear path to home?  Church recommends doing what he does.  ”Just envision the bloated figure of third base coach Razor Shines giving you the stop sign.  And just remember, you don’t need to go all the way to score with Jesus.”

Despite being 4th on the team in at bats through Tuesday, Church is 9th in runs scored

I’m a white boy from Virginia. Who do you THINK I’m voting for?”  - David Wright, October 2008 at Duke’s Original Roadhouse, NYC (from first-hand sources *)

So you think Daniel Murphy’s in a slump. Some sort of rut, or “funk,” as the Mets’ second-winningest manager Willie Randolph liked to say. As of the end of the 4-3 win over the Braves last night (in which Murph went 0-3), his BA is down to a pedestrian .277.  Murph’s now gone two for his last twenty something over the past week – or so the liberal media would have you believe.

They say numbers never lie. But you know who does? The bedwetting liberal national media, that’s who. Murphaholics know full well that it’s physically impossible for Murphy to ever, ever, ever go into any kind of slump – he famously never heard of the word until he reached the bigs – but the biased NY-based media outlets have gone to amazing lengths to make Murph look bad for what amounts to the baseball equivalent of affirmative action.

The media has been using stock footage from the first five weeks of the season as well as advanced CGI in place of Murphy’s more recent at-bats, directing SNY play-by-play man Gary Cohen to read from a script during live broadcasts.  Murphy’s two inside-the-park home runs in last Saturday’s game against the Pirates were instead substituted for a strikeout and pop out. Along the exit gates, Citi Field staff have been outfitted with memory erasers like the ones used in the Men in Black movies. The goal? Make Daniel Murphy seem simply ordinary.  Some, like FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly, suggests the liberal media is simply pandering to a heavily Latin ball club.

“An all-American white kid from the south playing in the country’s most left-leaning media market? Please.  The kid doesn’t have a chance,” FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly was quoted as saying.  When asked by a caller why David Wright received no such treatment over the last few years, O’Reilly scoffed and responded, “Please, there’s only room for one Jesus on ‘Los Mets.’ Their front office doesn’t want the Lopez’s and Gomez’s or whoever else to protest with a siesta if a second white guy outperformed them regularly.”

Ex-MSNBC personality Michael Savage see things in bigger perspective. “Mets ownership dedicated their ballpark’s entrance to the wrong guy. Where’s the Moses Fleetwood Walker Rotunda? Oh right, not recent enough for a feel-good story.  Look, Major League Baseball is too caught up in protecting its diverse image, so it doesn’t surprise me once bit that young Danny Murphy’s accomplishments are being adversely manipulated to make him look ordinary.  This Carlos Beltran has suppsedly been on fire since day one, Luis Castillo may end up being comeback player of the year or whatever, and Johan is pitching decently, but yet the New York fans get on David Wright for being among the league leaders in strikeouts and fails to come through in big spots? Open your eyes, America.”

Eventually, though, The Murph can’t be held down for long.  The media will eventually relent and let Murph’s fair skin take up the back page or head the sports show highlights.

We’re not going to take it much longer… and you can bet your ass Murph won’t either.

Opinions expressed in this post are solely the poster’s and do not in anyway reflect the thoughts or beliefs of ohmurph.com

* Not necessarily true