Posts Tagged ‘mr met’

The Amazin’s recently sent some team members to the New York Child Learning Institute in College Point, Queens to give some children living with autism a chance to mingle with their role models.  Both during the season and off-season, the Mets organization is actively involved with local school and community events as way of giving back, and this particular visit to a school was no different – except for one team member who was conspicuous by his absence.  Pedro Feliciano, Omir Santos, HoJo, and even Mr. Met boarded the bus that morning to visit this particular group of special needs children.  But Daniel Murphy was nowhere to be found.

“How can I say this without sounding offensive,” Murph wondered when reached for comment about declining the invite to participate.  “Spring training’s a month away, and the last thing I wanna do is contract the autism.”

The Jacksonville school system teaches its students that autism is a communicable condition given to children as punishment from God for parents who conceive a child in anything but the missionary position, the Official Position of the Church®. Murphy, a product of that school system, claims he is simply being cautious about his health as he looks to secure a starting job as the Mets’ 2010 first baseman.  “I give a lot of credit to Petey (Feliciano) and Omir and them for playing with those kids without one of them swine flu facemask thingies.  I can’t afford to mess around with that right now, not with C-Del swingin’ a hot stick in that Rican league.”

When informed that autism is really a non-contagious mental developmental disorder children are born with, Murphy scoffs.  “Alls I know is that in the ’50s, people thought we’d be in flying cars by now.  Science doesn’t have all the answers, but this book right here does.  I don’t remember on which page Jesus says you can’t have the butt sex, but I’m just glad that my mama and papa read it.”

*Thanks to Schnizzle of MetsFAIL.com for input into this post’s concept

The New York Mets’ injury woes continued today when mascot Mr. Met, 47, was diagnosed with a concussion by a neurologist not affiliated with the team. The injury apparently occurred sometime during the last homestand when Pepsi Party Patrol member Herb, accidentally launched a giveaway t-shirt into Mr. Met’s head.

Mr. Met is believed to have lost conciousness at the time of the injury and showed symptoms of a concussion when he began vomiting and complaining of headaches. Team doctors dismissed this as food poisoning and treated him with two extra-large Tylenol. Mr. Met had been performing with the concussion through this past Sunday’s game at CitiField. Former Met outfield Ryan Church reached out to Mr. Met and told him to get examined by a neurologist.

The unnamed neurologist’s report “suspects the world’s largest concussion” but cannot be 100% sure as the search for an MRI machine large enough to contain Mr. Met’s giant dome has been unsuccessful. Team doctors scoffed at the report and manager Jerry Manuel went as far to say “Mr. Met is a different animal than Ryan Church.” Omar Minaya blamed Daily News reporters for the injury, and somewhere, Tony Bernazard ripped his shirt off and challenged a minor-league mascot to a fight.

The team has not announced how they will replace Mr. Met on the next homestand, if he is unable to perform. There are some reports that indicate that the infrequently seen Mrs. Met may take her husband’s place or that Buster T. Bison may be recalled from Triple-A Buffalo; but conflicting reports say that Bobby Bonilla may return to the organization in a Mr. Met-type costume.

When asked about the Bonilla rumor, COO Jeff Wilpon would not confirm nor deny, instead indicating that the team would “rather not” have to pay any additional money to Bonilla; who is owed $1.2M annually from 2011 to 2035 as part of his January 2000 contract buyout.