Posts Tagged ‘omar minaya’

Bailiff: “All Rise. The Court for Crimes against Baseball is now in Session. Honorable Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis presiding”

Judge Landis: “Be Seated. Bailiff, first case on the Docket?”

Bailiff: “The Fans of Baseball v. Omar Teodoro Antonio Minaya y Sanchez”

Judge Landis: “Bailiff, what are the Charges?”

Bailiff: “Multiple Counts of High Crimes and Misdemeanors against the game of Baseball. The charges are from Texas, Montreal, and New York”

Judge Landis: “Would the defendant please rise? Bailiff, please read the charges into the record”

Bailiff: “While with the Texas Rangers, Mr. Minaya, the Defendant, was responsible for the signing of Juan Gonzalez and Sammy Sosa. ‘Juan Gone’ and Sosa allegedly played a big role in ushering in the steroid era in Baseball.

Upon his departure from Texas, The defendant became an accomplice of one Steve Phillips, a known philanderer, responsible for dismantling the Mets of the late 1990′s through neglect.

The Defendant then moved on to Montreal Canada, where he proceeded to single handedly dismantle the future of the now Washington Nationals by trading Cliff Lee, Grady Sizemore, Brandon Phillips and Lee Stevens to the Cleveland Indians for Bartolo Colón, a ‘rental player’, while three of the former Expos went on to become Allstars. Mr. Colon proceeded to eat his way out of baseball and now is Rex Ryan’s stunt double on “Hard Knocks”.

Having escaped the Canadian border patrol, the Defendant ended up in New York, where he began a period of haphazardly acquiring future criminals such as Ambiorix Burgos and Francisco Rodriquez.

The Defendent is also accused of systematically diverting millions of dollars of New York Mets Fans money through the misguided signings of Luis Castillo and Oliver Perez. Charges are also pending for the signing of Jason Bay, although, at this time, the Grand Jury is still out.

Judge Landis: “Mr. Minaya, I have reviewed the evidence for each of these charges and have determined that you are guilty of each one. Your sentence will be announced at the conclusion of the 2010 baseball season. At this time you may address the court if you would like to do so.”

Omar Minaya: “Yes sir, Judge, uh, your honor. Where’s the camera? Oh, over here. Yes, your honor, I’ve got something to say, you know what I’m saying’?

While some of what that Bailiff guy said was partially true, and I got nobody to blame for that except myself, and maybe Tony Bernazard, and yes, maybe even Adam Rubin, I should point out what I feel, have been some of the good I’ve done for these teams that you mention here today.

I mean, yeah, that was a bad trade in Montreal, but you know, who even knew what an Expo was at the time. I was working for a team named after a Fair in Canada, you know what I’m saying’? I put them on the map, ’cause, let’s face it, you look at a map of the United States and you don’t see Montreal, you know what I’m sayin’?

And down there in Texas, you know I didn’t tell Juan Gone to use the juice. I mean yeah, so one year he had like 180 RBI, and this year it’s gonna take a miracle for most guys to get 100, but you know he got some people to go to the games down there. Most nights they had more Mosquitos than fans down there so it was good.

So you know everybody wants to ask me about New York and what happened. I mean we had a competitive team for awhile 2006, even 2007 when Willie starting spacing out on me at the end, and 2008 when everybody loved Jerry.

But the biggest crime, I’m going to confess to is the building of CitiField. You know, Mr. Wilpon, Fred, I love that old guy. You know he’s big buddies with Sandy Koufax and every year he has him go down to St. Lucie and try to teach Ollie how to pitch, you know that Lefty thing. All he wanted was to have a team that could pitch.

Let’s face it, my track record on getting a team some pitching depth without giving up the farm ain’t too good. One time I score with Santana, and nobody wants to trade with me anymore. So it’s that endless stream of Jose Lima’s, God rest his soul, and Geremi Gonzalez, uh, Geremi Gone for short and for real, and that bald Gringo with the funny beard, Tim somebody, so, you know, I got no luck there. If they weren’t already here and in the system, fuhgettaboutit.

So here’s what I did, when they were laying out the field, I snuck in one night and take all their tape measures you know, from those Union Carpenters, I mean they just leave their tools laying around. I substitute some tape measures I picked up down in China town from Mr. Hoo’s Tools and Dumplings that measure about 1 foot 1 inch for every foot and before you know it those fences are pushed back and our pitchers are looking good. Our hitter’s hate it, but Mr. Wilpon’s a happy man, you know what I’m sayin’? I did it for Fred.”

Judge Landis: “Hold the defendant in custody until sentencing. Court adjourned”

WAKE UP OMAR!

Free agency officially started ONE MINUTE AGO! What are you doing, playing fuckin’ Farmville? Mets fans deserve better than this. MURPH deserves to know who his righty platoonmate is going to be! Castillo needs to know who’s going to be breathing down his neck all year! Reyes deserves to know what fat, over the hill catcher is going to be clogging the basepaths in front of him! Wright needs to know who’s not going to be protecting him in the lineup! Dan Warthen wants to start working on his David Blain act so he can disguise our newly-acquired 4th starter as a fuckin’ 2nd starter! Johan wants to know whose turn is it to butcher routine plays in left field behind him! K-Rod would like to have an idea as to which setup man is going to give up those two runs in the 8th to give him a save opportunity to blow in the 9th! Our fearless lame duck leader Jerry Manuel needs names to start drafting one-liners for the post-game press conferences, the kind he cranks out after each heartwrenching loss!

There are too many holes to fill with not enough talent on the farm nor on the market. We hope you’re burning the midnight oil, Omar, to bring this team back to respectability. You better be burning those off-peak minutes on your cell and pounding the sidewalk harder than when Kid Carter’s out streetwalking & turning tricks!

For your sake, Omar, we hope that you’re finishing up your brownie ala mode at Outback Steakhouse right now, sitting across from John Lackey and his agent after a satisfying dinner and productive discussion. We hope you’ve written down your offer on a napkin and have it covered with your hand, just like in the movies. And that at this very second, you turned the napkin around and slid it across the table towards your guests before bidding farewell. Scott Boras has Matt Holliday sitting at the Chipotle on Varick waiting to hear what you’ve got to say.

(Flushing, NY) In their quest to infuse the organization with grit and toughness, the Mets signed 16 year-old Juan Urbina as an international free agent last Wednesday. Juan, of course, is the son of Ugueth Urtaín Urbina, the former big league pitcher with two All-Star appearances and a World Series ring under his belt.

 ”I’m pleased to know that Omar Minaya and the Mets recognized the values I passed along to my son. Grit, determination, and a ‘take no crap from no one’ scrappy attitude” Urbina said through prison bars.

"Ed Hardy - Fashion doesn't stop in jail"

 In related news, the Mets have received a commitment from 3-year old  Xiroibma Burgos, the toddler son of former Royals and Mets pitcher Ambiorix Burgos. Local scouts feel Xiroibma is showing early signs of a strong backhand, used frequently on his two year old cousin Lucy. Mets scouts have also been seen recently at Newtown Edgemont Little League in Pennsylvania, scouting W.B. Myers, the son of Brett Myers.

"It's all fun and games until you have a wife that needs to be put in place"

“Filling the talent pipeline with tough, feisty players is a priority for us,” said Omar Minaya. “We’ve maybe lacked that certain element, that aggresiveness that translates from their personal lives out to the field.”

Caption THIS! – Winner of the best caption doesn’t get free tickets for tomorrow’s 1:00 PM game!

Woah Albert, watch your left hand there buddy!

Bernard Madoff                    VS.                    Oliver Perez

        Nickname

Bernie                                                                     Ollie

Accused of Stealing

$50 Billion over 50 years                                    $36 Million over 3 years

Victim Groups

Jews, Charities                                              Mets Fans

Famous Victims

Fred Wilpon                                        Fred Wilpon

Enablers

Ezra Merkin, SEC                                Scott Boras, Omar Minaya

Achilles Heel

Lack of conscience                           Lack of control

Quote

            “It’s all a big lie.”                      ”Me pagan por la bola, cierto?”

Sentence

Faces 150 years                               15-day DL; minor league rehab

Hoping To Get Out

Early for good behavior                            The 3rd inning

Should Have Instead Invested In

Treasuries                                Derek Lowe

Winner

Ollie because he may one day still be trade bait but Bernie will always be shower bait