Posts Tagged ‘scott boras’

WAKE UP OMAR!

Free agency officially started ONE MINUTE AGO! What are you doing, playing fuckin’ Farmville? Mets fans deserve better than this. MURPH deserves to know who his righty platoonmate is going to be! Castillo needs to know who’s going to be breathing down his neck all year! Reyes deserves to know what fat, over the hill catcher is going to be clogging the basepaths in front of him! Wright needs to know who’s not going to be protecting him in the lineup! Dan Warthen wants to start working on his David Blain act so he can disguise our newly-acquired 4th starter as a fuckin’ 2nd starter! Johan wants to know whose turn is it to butcher routine plays in left field behind him! K-Rod would like to have an idea as to which setup man is going to give up those two runs in the 8th to give him a save opportunity to blow in the 9th! Our fearless lame duck leader Jerry Manuel needs names to start drafting one-liners for the post-game press conferences, the kind he cranks out after each heartwrenching loss!

There are too many holes to fill with not enough talent on the farm nor on the market. We hope you’re burning the midnight oil, Omar, to bring this team back to respectability. You better be burning those off-peak minutes on your cell and pounding the sidewalk harder than when Kid Carter’s out streetwalking & turning tricks!

For your sake, Omar, we hope that you’re finishing up your brownie ala mode at Outback Steakhouse right now, sitting across from John Lackey and his agent after a satisfying dinner and productive discussion. We hope you’ve written down your offer on a napkin and have it covered with your hand, just like in the movies. And that at this very second, you turned the napkin around and slid it across the table towards your guests before bidding farewell. Scott Boras has Matt Holliday sitting at the Chipotle on Varick waiting to hear what you’ve got to say.

Bernard Madoff                    VS.                    Oliver Perez

        Nickname

Bernie                                                                     Ollie

Accused of Stealing

$50 Billion over 50 years                                    $36 Million over 3 years

Victim Groups

Jews, Charities                                              Mets Fans

Famous Victims

Fred Wilpon                                        Fred Wilpon

Enablers

Ezra Merkin, SEC                                Scott Boras, Omar Minaya

Achilles Heel

Lack of conscience                           Lack of control

Quote

            “It’s all a big lie.”                      ”Me pagan por la bola, cierto?”

Sentence

Faces 150 years                               15-day DL; minor league rehab

Hoping To Get Out

Early for good behavior                            The 3rd inning

Should Have Instead Invested In

Treasuries                                Derek Lowe

Winner

Ollie because he may one day still be trade bait but Bernie will always be shower bait